the olive ream

On behalf of Captain Bigot and the rest of our ethnocentric crew, I would like to welcome you all on our transcontinental flight from New York to Los Angeles.

Our estimated flying time for this flight is six hours but it is more likely that it will take 48 hours or more to get to our scheduled destination. This is because the Air Martial and our fearful crew are most likely going to spot some ’suspicious’ passengers exhibiting very ’suspect’ behavior during the course of this flight which will automatically result in stop-overs in various yet to-be-identified locations to ensure the forceful and involuntary disembarkation of said ’suspicious’ passengers. So we hope you will bear with us, and keep all future complaints to yourselves, or else you will be classified as a terror-suspect and get your ass kicked off the plane.

In keeping with latest travel security procedures issued by the FAA and the Department of Homeland Security, we would request all passengers to stay vigilant and alert of any strange behavior exhibited by any of your fellow passengers. As a guide the following list of oddities should be reported directly, by means of surreptitious wink, to a flight crew member:

-Passengers exchanging cell phones

-Passengers fiddling with their cell phones

-Passengers possessing cell phones

-Passengers talking too much

-Passengers talking too little

-Passengers appearing to be Arab-looking

-Passengers appearing to be Asian-looking

-Passengers possessing tanned or darker skin complexion

-Passengers wearing head gear

-Passengers not conversing in English

-Passengers sweating too much

-Passengers possessing beards

-Passenger stroking his beard

-Passenger twirling his moustache

-Passenger stroking someone else’s beard

-Passenger twirling someone else’s moustache

-Passengers frequenting the toilet

-Passengers pretending to be sleeping

-Passengers looking too happy

-Passengers looking too sad

-Passengers looking morose

-Passengers looking too calm

-Passengers staring out the windows

-Passengers eyeing other passengers or flight crew members

-Passengers praying

-Passengers reading

-Passengers staring into space

-Passengers traveling alone

-Passengers traveling with companions

-Basically, passengers possessing a pulse (or not)

Please also be informed that no beverages will be served on this flight, in case a passenger possess the knowledge to expertly mix drinks to create an extremely dangerous liquid explosive or to create a concoction that could result in uncontrollable flatulence which is equally dangerous.

As part of our additional safety measures, no plastic cutlery will be provided with your meal. In fact, no solid food will be served during flight, as the meal tray itself can be used as a weapon. As an alternate, feeding tubes will automatically drop from the overhead slot during meal times. The crew will assist you inserting into the correct orifice for your feeding pleasure.

Your in-flight entertainment includes, and are limited to, the Fox News Network’s documentaries: The 9-11 Commission Report, Terror Is All Around Us, and Iran: The Biggest Nuclear Threat - Ever!

And finally, all Asian and Arab looking passengers are requested to keep their hands above their heads for the duration of the flight.

We thank you for choosing Harassment Airways as your preferred carrier and we hope you enjoy this flight.