the olive ream

The US Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is setting up its new HQ in a former lunatic Asylum. The move seems rather appropriate as most of the DHS senior management happen to be former residents of the institution anyway….. or so it seems to me. Anyhow, I’m sure they shall all feel right at home.

Scientists create a sheep that is 15% human. Professor Esmail Zanjani, of the University of Nevada, has spent the past 7 years and five million pounds perfecting the technique. The Republican Party has declared the sheep as their official presidential candidate for the elections of 2008, as it possesses the same biological make-up as the current president of the United States, (although they do admit that the sheep possesses a higher IQ).

Israeli officer sells weapons to terrorists in Iraq. The Iraqi sources announced earlier that terrorist attacks in Iraq were backed by the intelligence agencies of CIA and Mossad and the secret agents of Iraqi former regime. They also declared that the sky is blue and the grass is green. The Iraqi sources possess an uncanny knack for pointing out the obvious.

Name that war – Your chance to rewrite Israeli history. A ministerial committee met recently, in essence, to declare war. Eight months in arrears. Apparently Ehud Olmert, apart from all his other screw-ups, also forgot to officially declare war last July. The first Lebanon war was classified ‘Operation Peace for Galilee’, so they’ve decided to call this one ‘Operation Massively Underestimate Hezbollah And Suffer A Humiliating Ass Kicking That The Whole World Collectively Laughs At’.

Cadets express unwillingness to remember the holocaust. The Berliner Zeitung reported that an entire class of German police cadets expressed their unwillingness to remember the Holocaust, during a compulsory class that dealt with the Nazi regime. Well, it finally happened, repetition, reminders, reiteration of the holocaust topic has finally resulted in a group finally becoming indifferent to the issue. As punishment, all cadets have had to have their foreheads tattooed with the words, “Ask me about the holocaust – you know you want to!”

US can’t account for 600,000 fugitives. Teams assigned to make sure foreigners ordered out of the United States actually leave have a backlog of more than 600,000 cases and can’t accurately account for the fugitives’ whereabouts, the government reported Monday. Representative of the DHS said, “We’re pretty sure they are all harmless, and the public should not be concerned about these fugitives. Besides, we haven’t got time with all the illegal spying we have to do on the general populace to ensure we track and silence all voices of dissent.”

Cheney funds Al Qaeda and no one cares. Seymour Hersh’s recent report that Iran-Contra veterans working out of Dick Cheney’s office are using stolen funds from Iraq to arm al Qaeda-tied groups and foment a larger Sunni-Shia war is a big deal. Fox News Anchor responded by saying, “No, it is not! Britney Spears shaving her head, now that IS a big deal!”

Rice urges Egypt to reform its Democracy. “I’ve made my concerns known, as well as my hopes, for continued reform here in Egypt,” Rice told a news conference. Condeelaza Rice is the Secretary of State of the United States. The same United States responsible for promoting democracy in Guantanamo Bay, the Abu Ghraib prison, CIA rendition cells, etc. Upon hearing the comment from Rice, Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak said, “I laughed so hard, a little pee came out.”

14 year old sentenced to 7 years for shoving a school hall monitor. “I am a 14-year-old black freshman who shoved a hall monitor at Paris High School in a dispute over entering the building before the school day had officially begun and was sentenced to 7 years in prison.” The sentence was the decision of the Lamar County judge Chuck Superville. Chuck also warned future offenders that, “sneezing will get you 5 years, and breaking wind in the general direction of a public servant will warrant a sentence of 9 years in a federal penitentiary.”

Americans don’t mind torture. To the amazement of the audience, (Senator) Graham said, with a twinkle in his eye, that “Americans don’t mind torture, they really don’t.” Asked to justify his claim, Senator Graham replied, “Of course they don’t mind torture, they’ve been watching Fox News for years!”

The former chief of staff of V.P. Dick, Irve Lewis “Scooter” Libby was convicted of obstruction of justice, perjury, lying to the FBI and possessing one of the stupidest names in history for a former White House official. The verdict came after 10 days of deliberation after the jury finally stopped laughing at his name.

As expected and predicted by many, Libby took the fall for Karl Rove, who is believed to be actually responsible for outing the identity of Valerie Plame, a CIA operative. Prez Bush cannot be held responsible for the leak, other than the one he made in his pants when he heard the verdict.

Special Prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald made it clear that he will not be pursuing this investigation of this leak case any further, as it obviously will lead directly to the VP, and he cannot risk losing his testicles for the sake of the truth.

So there you have it - justice served! The President and Vice President continue to lie blatantly to the world at every available opportunity and old man ‘Scooter” is going to jail for obstruction of justice, perjury and lying. Had Fitzgerald prosecuted others in DC for the same crime, it is believed that all the members of the House and the Congress would be behind bars… and I am not talking about the ones they frequent for their regular evenings of debauchery.

Queue jumpers, road huggers, accident causing speed freaks
Uniformed fashion followers and trend setting creeps
Social climbers, spotlight seekers and the so-called elites
Teenage groupies at over-priced events and VIP seats

Over-rated night clubs with bouncers at the door
Millionaire celebrities fighting for the poor
Reality TV, celebrity shrinks and self-improvement shows
Televangelists, tabloid talk and Fox News network lows

Politicians, spin doctors, lobbyists and think tanks
Cartels, defense contractors and the federal reserve banks
Pill pushers, pharmaceuticals and insurance scams
Demagogues and devotees and their propagandist shams

Mergers, acquisitions, privatization and oil peaks
G8 leaders, super power sycophants and the imperialist geeks
Proxy wars, covert ops and the terrorism it seeds
Unilateral, nuclear attack and the faux intelligence it needs

Silence, apathy, and disquieting disbelief
Embedded reporters, sold-out media and lies that deceive
Al Qaeda threats, Red Alerts and ‘insiders’ that leak
Kidnapping, detention and torturing of the meek

Bullshitting, ethnocentric, self-righteous bores
Extremists, fascists and know-it-all whores
Honour killers, child abusers, rapists and pimps
Everyday the same old bullies tripping up the gimps