the olive ream

I’ve spent the last 2 months researching the prime candidates for the next US Presidential race. Actually, that’s not quite true. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes browsing around the internet for something interesting to highlight but I have to say what I discovered was worthy of serious, global attention.

I’m sure you are all well aware of the more popular Republican politicians who have thrown their names in 2008 Presidential hat. For example, there’s Sam, Jim, Newt, Rudy, Mike, Fred, Tom, Chuck, Sneazy, Dopey, Tito and Asshead. Well, apart from the last four, all others are for real, (if you don’t believe me google the list of republican candidates).

There is however, one Republican candidate that immediately stands out far above the rest. He is not too well known amongst the populace and is certainly not among the political cohorts in Washington DC, who have made a career for themselves in government. His name is Philip Silva and he has officially announced his candidacy for 2008 Presidential race. I for one would like to thank him personally for doing that and hope he wins in 08. Why I am so thrilled about his candidacy? Please read on…

Philip Silva legally changed his name in 1996 to Saint Michael Jesus the Archangel. A former janitor who is now a self-employed writer, he describes himself as a “radical conservative republican”. He claims to be a Vietnam War veteran, which is impressive. He also claims to have been “volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency without pay” which is even more impressive, as I’m sure you all will agree. In reference to his current name, he says “From the time I was a little boy I knew I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn’t dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder me.” So you see, we are all in the presence of greatness here.

I managed to skim through his official Presidential campaign web site and highlight for you below, some of the key points from his manifesto:

Abortion:

I will outlaw by Executive Order all abortion in America because it has committed genocide against 40 to 50 million innocent helpless babies in America alone which cannot be tolerated any longer in a country that, according to a Supreme Court decision, is officially Christian.

Gay Marriage:

I will outlaw queer marriage by Executive Order because a Christian country cannot and should not tolerate what My Holy Word, the Bible, calls an ‘abomination’.

Economy

During My Campaign I will work to convince Archangel/President Gabuthelon George W. Bush to have the Congress pass the National Economic Stabilization And Recovery Act on the Internet atNESARA so he can sign it into law.

World Peace

I will work vigorously and pro-actively for World Peace when I take office in honor of My wife, the Blessed Virgin Mary Michelle (her middle name which I gave her as it is the feminine of Michael) who promised an “era of peace” when Pope Benedict XVI consecrates Russia in union with the Church’s bishops to her Immaculate Heart.

As soon as possible after taking office, I will commence buying for the United Domains Of Heaven other pacified countries’ bombs, mines, large ammunition, rockets, tanks, armored vehicles, artillery and other metal weapons of war that have become obsolete or unnecessary to melt them down and to use the metal to cast Heavenly coins to promote the peace and building Heaven on Earth. Warplanes, ships, submarines and other military vehicles will be allowed to remain for use in peaceful missions. I will establish a USA Department of Peace to teach the nations non-violent conflict resolution methods like My idea several years ago of having nations involved in verbal conflicts settle them with paintball wars, and provide for our troops to help the nations to train their disbanded military forces to be peace officers.

Reserve Bank

The United Domains Of Heaven Cosmic Reserve Bank will sell Our largest Banknotes to governments at the discount for legitimate and free governments in efforts to support the writing and adoption of American-style Constitutions which will do away with religious persecution, leftist political slavery and taxation which will be made unnecessary.

United Nations

I will confiscate the UN building with American troops, send all the socialist ambassadors there home, and turn it into the Headquarters of the United Domains Of Heaven On Earth, thus crippling the conspiracy of the Illuminati, the Bilderbergers, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Federal Reserve and other bankers and financiers, the Trilateral Commission, and the New Agers to subject the whole world to a Satanic to their homosexual pedophile One World Government run through the United Nations and its One World Religion, the blasphemous New Age Movement.

Islam and American Muslims

Since belief in Islam and the Koran is inconsistent with American freedom of religion because Islam believes in freedom of religion only for Muslims, and since they teach that Christians and Jews are “infidels” or pagans … all “American” Muslims will be given one month after I am elected to renounce their belief.

Palestine

I will buy from the Palestinians and other Arabs living between the Euphrates River and the Nile River all of that land which We gave to Israel in My Holy Word for eternity, and those Arabs will then have enough Heavenly Money to re-settle their people in other lands, perhaps Jordan where they’re really from and where they belong.

Now, I could go on quoting from his site but you can get the general gist of the profundity in his thinking. I highly recommend you go through his web site in detail, if you have a few free days at your disposal because it is very long read and exceptionally well designed with many interesting links.

Let’s all pray to the Head Quarters of the United Domain of Heaven on Earth, that come the next US Presidential election, he gets the recognition he deserves.

For those in doubt if he is real, check out his:

- name on the list of Republican candidates
- Presidential Campaign site
- News about his arrest on attempted homicide

I receive about on average of 17 million ‘business proposal’ emails every week. I finally replied to one of them because I thought it was deserving of a response. Below is the actual email and my response to it.

Miss Cleo, please see answers/comments [in bold.]

From Miss Joy Cleo
Abidjan Cote D’ Ivoire
EMAIL; xxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.fr

Dearly Beloved, […we are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman, in the holy bond of matrimony?]

Thanks for your reply. [You're most welcome, although I never emailed you before but I'm sure you consider that fact irrelevant]. Based on your profile I am happy to request for your assistance [and what profile would that be exactly; my profile on the Sad Gits Unsolicited Email Group or my profile on the Suckers Anonymous Forum?] and also to go into business partnership with you. [oh?! and here I thought you emailed me because you loved me…sigh!] I believe that you will not betrayed my trust which I am going to lay on you. [Good heavens, no! Me? Betray(ed) your trust? Never! Lay it on me thick, fast and in copiously large quantities.]

I am Miss Joy Cleo, 23years old [Really?! Judging by the content of this email, I am guessing that you're a fat, balding, 47 year old sleaze bag con artist] and the daughter of my parents. [How fortunate you are not to be a daughter of someone else's parents – that would be a real bummer I should imagine.] My father was a highly reputable magnet-[Would that be a fridge magnet or a babe magnet?] who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. [And where did he operate during his nights?] It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in one of his business trips abroad. [It is even sadder for me to say that I am sorry about his ambiguous demise.]

But God knows the truth! [Indeed, He does, hallelujah!] My mother died when I was just 5 years old [Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Was it a mysterious death?] and since then my father took me so special. [My father only took me to Disneyland] Before his death on February 15th 2004 he called the secretary [would that be the Secretary of the Treasury?] who accompanied him to the hospital [how fortunate that your father managed to have company around for his 'mysterious' death at the hospital] and told him that he has the sum of Twelve Million five hundreds thousand United State Dollars.(USD$12 500 000) left in a security company in a metallic trunk box, but the security company didn’t know the contents because it was registered as family treasure and valuables items for security reasons. [Yes, I can understand the words 'family treasure and valuables items' can be a deceptively vague description for prospective thieves, as most likely they thought it contained gerbil food and dog biscuits.]

I am a university graduate [as apparent by the eloquence of your email] and really don’t know what to do. [Don't worry, most graduates are clueless]. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incest political crisis here in Ivory coast. [I was aware of the political corruption and turmoil but sexual relations with your relatives is certainly news to me]. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. [No doubt, but I'm sure the news of the whopping bags of cash, in metal box he left for you, must have brought you some amount of joy.] Sir, I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. For you to assist me in this transaction i will offer you %25 percent of the totall sum. [Make it 65%, plus I'll take the extra 'L' in 'totall' and you've got yourself a deal.]

Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. [Well then, you can start by printing out this reply on a piece of sandpaper, crumpling it up and neatly inserting it in the orifice located on your backside. Once this task is completed, bang your head against a brick wall 7 times and then commit yourself at the nearest mental institution.]

Please if you have any question to ask me do not delay to contact me on my above email address. [Would you take it amiss, if I told you to drop dead?... in a mysterious sort of way of course] I await your urgent response as soon as possible. [Sod off!]

Thanks and best regards. [love and kisses]

Miss Joy Cleo

There’s a mosque here in Dubai, with two separate entrances. The main entrance leads one to the main prayer hall and a second entrance to the side of the mosque displays the following sign:

For those unable to understand Arabic or Urdu, the sign in English presents a very different meaning. When it first caught my eye, I was like, “Ooh, I’m in here!”

And before anyone of you claim that this is blashphemy, let me just clarify that God does have a sense of humour. How else would you explain the Duckbill Platypus or even George W. Bush, for example?

Sung to the tune of My Way

And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, is only Bush, that much is clear,
We’re both war criminals, of that I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life, full of misdeeds,
Left trails of dead bodies on Iraqi highways,
And more, much more than this,
I screwed up My Way.

Regrets? I should have so many,
But then again, I can’t recall to mention
I did what I was told by Bush
And saw it through without exception
The US planned each charted course
each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this,
I still claimed it My Way.

Yes all the time, I’m sure you knew
When we bit off, more than we could chew
But through it all, as was our goal
We ate it up and swallowed whole
The sovereign rights of an entire nation
And did it Our Way.

I’ve loved kissing Bush’s arse,
I’ve laughed and hardly cried,
I’ve had my fill, my share of brown nosing
and now as sanity subsides
I find it all so amusing
to think I did all that
and may I say not in a shy way

Oh no, oh no not me
I did it My Way

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not usurping another country’s oil reserves, then he has naught.
Possessed by avarice, one hardly feels,
Which makes it easy for the one who steals.
The record shows
Iraqis took the blows -
All because I did it my way!

Cool Facts About Israel

And now, the Not So Cool Facts About Israel

Sit back, relax and enjoy the show!

You’ll feel right as rain after watching this.