I’M A FASCIST, BABY!
It’s been more than a fortnight since I became a father [Applause]. I could blather on endlessly about how deeply moving the whole experience is about becoming a father (for the first time) and how profound the love one feels for a new born child BUT I’m not going to do that here. I would rather take this opportunity to reveal an observation I’ve made since my son was born and that is, all new-born babies are very similar to fascist leaders and military dictators. Allow me to elucidate and pontificate (all at the same time, while holding my breath and standing on one leg).
Coup d’é•tat: With a sudden and decisive overthrow of government, the new-born has taken control of my home and I have been involuntarily drafted into the service of my child. All natural (and unnatural) resources will now be utilized to cater to the needs of this tiny dictator.
Removal of opposition in high government positions: My position as the primary decision maker in the house has now been relegated to that of an observer. Like the Chief Justice of Pakistan I was forcefully removed from office. Apparently, I know nothing about handling a new-born baby, as I don’t know when to feed or burp the little general. I only end up annoying him by waking him at the wrong time and therefore I cannot be part of his government. I am currently in the process of rounding up supporters and holding a mass demonstration in front of the baby’s crib.
Martial Law: All aspects of my life including my required sojourns to the W.C. are now dictated by the time-table set by this wee fascist. My movement is restricted and a curfew is set on the amount of time I can browse the internet or watch the news. Moreover, it is very unlikely that I will ever get relief from my house-arrest, as my wife has specifically made it clear that she needs help with the baby so “you ain’t going nowhere!”
Regrettable alliances: All known and many unknown (frightfully suspicious) relatives insisted on seeing the baby as soon as we brought him home from the hospital. There were some within this crowd of baby sycophants, who I as a parent, particularly don’t like (despise to be more precise) and I prayed that the baby times his projectile vomiting to target these specific individuals. Unfortunately, the baby just like a military general (who also happens to be the president of your home) decided to form alliances with these individuals in order to gain further popularity amongst the masses of the these distant family members. He did this by behaving perfectly when he was embraced in the unholy bosoms of these individuals. I’m quite sure though that he will grow up to regret his decision not to regurgitate his last meal while being cuddled by these party members as they gobbled down the last of the ladoos (sweets), while their children (junior party members) ran riot and caused irrevocable damage (to my expensive coffee table). The little shits will pay for that one day as I exact my revenge by visiting their house (in a few years) and have my son demolish something really expensive like a 90 inch flat screen television (if I’m lucky).
Refusal to give up the uniform: Just like a military dictator who ‘elects’ himself as President and also remains the chief of army staff, and refuses to give up his uniform, the baby screams his head off as soon as I try to unbutton his romper in time for his bath.
Restriction on Free Speech: As based on the whims of repressive leaders, the baby has tendency to get upset at odd times (based on his mood) to any sound that comes from my mouth. Some days I can talk and “coochie-coo” the hell out of the little despot and on other days I have to keep my gob shut because his infant holiness will not tolerate any verbal discourse in his near vicinity.
Human Rights Abuse / Torture: Currently under practice at all fine covert detention facilities around the world, sleep depravation is the most common form of torture utilized for the War On Terror interrogations. This form of torture is preferred not just by fascist governments but also by my son. He utilizes this inhumane technique to keep me completely unhinged and subservient. Currently, my wife and I are averaging about an hour of sleep every night.
Usurping of public property for personal gain: As is the habit of most dictators, the baby also stakes claim to property which is not rightfully his. Specifically, the baby now owns my side of the bed, even though he does have his own cot to sleep in. I have been quarantined to a sofa in the living room for my 1 hour of nightly slumber.
Privatization of national assets: This is a characteristic move made by most fascist leaders (supported by the United States) during their generally tumultuous rule. They sell off all key national assets to foreign/private investors. The presence of a new-born baby also results in a similar move often suggested by the mother.
Mother: “You know the bedroom cabinet that houses your TV, stereo and DVD player?”
Father: “Yes, I’m familiar with it as it contains my favourite things.”
Mother: “Well, that cabinet just has to go including all of its contents. Sell the damn things if you want but get rid of them immediately because we need to make space for his lordship’s crib and changing table.”
Freedom of the Press: No matter how democratic and open the claims by an autocratic government to the freedom of the press, there is ALWAYS news and information that is censored. Similarly, the news and information about the baby that is shared amongst friends and relatives is also open to scrutiny and censorship by the mother. “Now, don’t go around telling all your friends about how many times the baby cries and how much he keeps us awake at night. He doesn’t need bad press right now, especially as he has not even completed his 100 days in office!”
Government Waste: No matter how many promises we have heard regarding the reduction in the size of the government, there always seems to disproportionate amount of waste created by the same government on useless public programs. In the same manner, no matter how little milk the baby consumes during the day, the amount of waste produced by the little Mussolini is shockingly disproportionate based on the exceedingly large number of diapers he uses up during the course of a 24 hour period.
That reminds me, I better be off as I’ve registered myself for a two-day HAZMAT (Hazardous Material) Handling and Disposal Training course. My wife insists that I have to help with the diaper change.
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You continue to impress me with your writings – Firstly a hearty congrats on the new baby and secondly after reading this prologue, I say Good Luck LOL
Now, that’s one very interesting analogy!
Inspite of all the information available before-hand, I suppose one has to experience anything, including parenthood, on one’s own, to know what it really means.
Mian mubarak ho and velkum to the kiddie kilubb. As they used to say in early Mesozoic circles:
Der aye, durust aye
Having been thru the grind a few times, I can only say that sub abuse/torture manzoor hai, sivaye pamper-change ke.
walid-e-majid bannay per boht boht mobarak baad.
I’m almost laughing too hard to type! Hilarious analogy of parenthood. Been there myself – GOOD LUCK! And many congratulations.
(your son’s reign has only just begun – think Castro . . . children rule for yeeeaaarrrsss)
wow, my kids like me a lot more than your son likes you. Best of luck. hope all is well.
By the way, the fascist stage gets worse when they learn to talk. Put that off as long as possible.
LOL!
kids! They used to be expensive, now they are so much more
This is an amazing piece of writing – inventive and subtle.
Once again, fatherhood mubarak ho aur nanhay mian ko pyaar.
Trust me this is going to be a long term change in your domestic political space – as someone said above, wait until they start to crawl, then walk and talk – the plot will thicken by the year! Experience does make one wiser
And, great to see a 21st century Pakistani dad changing diapers and that too under a social contract!
I am still smiling ….
I believe that the new heir may bear more relation to an elected official in that not long ago, this all seemed like the very best idea in the world. And like either a dictator or elected official, it appears the new arrival even has a spokesperson, such as when your assets were impeding his needs.
Once you take your proper place in your home, and are used to your newly subservient spot, you should begin to enjoy this very, very much.
Heartiest congratulations!
Sorry for not reading this earlier … was travelling. But WOW. One of your cleverest posts. Brilliant satire. Have copy-pasted it into my Scrapbook for re-reading at leisure. Truly loved it!!!
That was VERY funny. And congratulations!
You will soon find that being a parent is the most rewarding experience of your life. You will also forget what it was like being childless. This will be the true ‘outer body experience’. Congratulations, my friend, to you, wife, brother, sister, and family.
belated congrats dude!
When the baby grows up, and read this historical post, his reaction would be worth watching.
Heheheh…..i see fatherhood has certainly not dulled your brilliant wit. Most enjoyable and completely relatable too (albeit from a mother’s persepective)
Sabizak: Fatherhood never dims anything, but sharpens everything, and after some father could change the diaper “on the fly”.
LOL!!!! I had never looked at it that way, but I am glad I didn’t at the time….
Publicly, mubarak.
I wish you and your (recently expanded) family all the best, insha’Allah and may Allah (SWT) bless you and your family.
Congratulations, Omer. Or, er, sorry that your house has been taken over by a dictator. All I can say is, stick it out, and hope to take back control. Or not.
C
Congratulations on becoming a father and good luck with being a subject under this little dictator.
isn’t life just graaaaaannnddd!!! long live the dictator…
i know what you’re going to say. Rest assured my sympathies are all with you but man, the whip of such a system when cracked, hurts…!!
lolz…and congrats
I would say it was a very similar when my cousin was born and I saw my uncle who was most known of having his way in the household and always getting his way(he was the baby of the house)and my baby cousin took over within days lols he couldn’t help but to bow down to her highness.
Congrats, trust me the fun just began, as much as they bother at first you get more love and beautiful memories by them. cherish these moments cause they don’t last forever.
Maliha Siddiqui
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congrats…
When the baby grows up, and read this historical post, his reaction would be worth watching.