Archive for August, 2007
DECLARING BLOG EMERGENCY
EMT: We need a doctor here, quick!
Dr. Me: I’m here, tell me.
EMT: We’ve got a blog here by the name of Olive Ream, 2 years and a few months old. Flatline.
Dr. Me: How long has it been down?
EMT: Exact duration unknown. A regular reader found the blog inactive for several weeks and reported it in. We’ve worked on reviving it. Gave it two rounds of eppy and two of atrophine.
Dr. Me: Any signs of life?
EMT: Registered a faint pulse earlier but now we can’t even pick up on that.
Dr. Me: Thanks! We’ll take it from here. Alright, we need to get it on a monitor, people!
Dr. Myself: Sure, I’ll do it. I want someone to the check ventilation.
Dr. I: Can I help?
Dr. Me: Yeah, you can do a rectal temperature reading.
Dr. I: That sucks! Why do I always get the shitty jobs….literally!
Dr. Me: Monitor’s up. No readable pulse.
Dr. Myself: Asystole?
Dr. Me: Likely. No planned posts and no spontaneous rants either on the blog.
Dr. I: Any response to external stimuli, such as reader’s comments on the last post?
Dr. Me: None. And pupils are fixed and dilated.
Dr. Myself: Okay, so no corneal reflex either. Let’s have a high dose of eppy, a pulse ox and title CO2 detector.
Dr. I: Are you making this sh*t up?!
Dr. Myself: No. I saw it on an episode of ER.
Dr.I: Oh!
Dr. Me: Get the paddles, let’s shock the blog bastard into life. Crank it up to 50. No, wait! Make it 60.
Dr. Myself: Clear!
Dr. I: Nothing. No change in pulse.
Dr. Me: Alright, let’s try another dose of shock treatment. I know it will respond. Tape the eyelids open, and make the blog watch Fox News.
[One minute later]
Dr. I: Damn! Nothing. No response. No new posts so far.
Dr: Me: Alright another eppy. 7 milligrams.
Dr: I: I’ll resume with the chest compressions.
Dr. Myself: Good, keep bagging it. Start it on a dopamine drip, while I read out some news articles from the mainstream news paper. That ought to certainly get the attention of the blog. Hey, here’s a good one, Karl Rove quits!
[Five minutes later]
Dr. I: Nothing! Absolutely, no response to anything. Damn it! Did I forget to insert the rectal thermometer?
Dr. Me: No, you didn’t.
Dr. I: Phew!
Dr. Me: Yes, but you stuck it in me instead.
Dr. I: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll take it out.
Dr. Me: No, leave it. I’m rather enjoying it at the moment.
Dr. Myself: Give me the paddles! I’m setting it at 80. Charging… Clear!
Dr. I: Is that a beep?
Dr. Me: Yes but the beeps are random, there’s no rhythm yet.
Dr. Myself: Damn it! The beeps are getting more sporadic. Oh, no! The blog is flat-lining again!
Dr. Me: Even if we do revive the blog at this late stage, there’s likely to be brain damage. I’m not reading any alpha, theta, delta frequencies currently. It is likely that there might not be any new and original posts in the future for this blog even it had been fully resuscitated.
Dr. Myself: Should we call it then?
Dr. Me: I think so. We’ve done all we can.
Dr. Myself: Alright, time of death, eight forty tw…..
Dr. I: No, wait! What’s this? … this just fell out of its pocket.
Dr. Me: What is it?
Dr. I: It is a note. Looks like a shopping list. Give me the paddles, I’m setting it at 80 and I’ll shock him again. Charging…… Clear!
Dr. Me: We’ve got a pulse…and it is rhythmic!
Dr. Myself: It is a strong one…at 120. BP’s 100!
Dr. Me: Good call, Dr. I! The blog seems to be activated again.
Dr. Myself: But how did you know?
Dr. I: I just saw the grocery shopping list and I thought that it probably qualifies as a post, as these days any drivel can make it to a blog.
Dr: Me: Let me see the list.
GROCERY LIST
27 comments1. A bitter pill for the globalists to swallow so they can realize that not all their sordid schemes will work out the way that they’ve planned.
2. A Forbidden Fruit for every self-righteous, over-zealous, ultra-religious nut bags who believes they are responsible for showing everyone the right path and punishing those who don’t follow their way.
3. A bunch of sour grapes for all the sad gits who hoped Pakistan would not make it to 60 years.
4. A tissue of lies (regurgitated by the mainstream media) that I can use to blow my nose or better yet, wipe my ass with!
5. A pint of milk of human kindness for all humanity – I know we could all do with some more.
