DECLARING BLOG EMERGENCY
EMT: We need a doctor here, quick!
Dr. Me: I’m here, tell me.
EMT: We’ve got a blog here by the name of Olive Ream, 2 years and a few months old. Flatline.
Dr. Me: How long has it been down?
EMT: Exact duration unknown. A regular reader found the blog inactive for several weeks and reported it in. We’ve worked on reviving it. Gave it two rounds of eppy and two of atrophine.
Dr. Me: Any signs of life?
EMT: Registered a faint pulse earlier but now we can’t even pick up on that.
Dr. Me: Thanks! We’ll take it from here. Alright, we need to get it on a monitor, people!
Dr. Myself: Sure, I’ll do it. I want someone to the check ventilation.
Dr. I: Can I help?
Dr. Me: Yeah, you can do a rectal temperature reading.
Dr. I: That sucks! Why do I always get the shitty jobs….literally!
Dr. Me: Monitor’s up. No readable pulse.
Dr. Myself: Asystole?
Dr. Me: Likely. No planned posts and no spontaneous rants either on the blog.
Dr. I: Any response to external stimuli, such as reader’s comments on the last post?
Dr. Me: None. And pupils are fixed and dilated.
Dr. Myself: Okay, so no corneal reflex either. Let’s have a high dose of eppy, a pulse ox and title CO2 detector.
Dr. I: Are you making this sh*t up?!
Dr. Myself: No. I saw it on an episode of ER.
Dr.I: Oh!
Dr. Me: Get the paddles, let’s shock the blog bastard into life. Crank it up to 50. No, wait! Make it 60.
Dr. Myself: Clear!
Dr. I: Nothing. No change in pulse.
Dr. Me: Alright, let’s try another dose of shock treatment. I know it will respond. Tape the eyelids open, and make the blog watch Fox News.
[One minute later]
Dr. I: Damn! Nothing. No response. No new posts so far.
Dr: Me: Alright another eppy. 7 milligrams.
Dr: I: I’ll resume with the chest compressions.
Dr. Myself: Good, keep bagging it. Start it on a dopamine drip, while I read out some news articles from the mainstream news paper. That ought to certainly get the attention of the blog. Hey, here’s a good one, Karl Rove quits!
[Five minutes later]
Dr. I: Nothing! Absolutely, no response to anything. Damn it! Did I forget to insert the rectal thermometer?
Dr. Me: No, you didn’t.
Dr. I: Phew!
Dr. Me: Yes, but you stuck it in me instead.
Dr. I: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll take it out.
Dr. Me: No, leave it. I’m rather enjoying it at the moment.
Dr. Myself: Give me the paddles! I’m setting it at 80. Charging… Clear!
Dr. I: Is that a beep?
Dr. Me: Yes but the beeps are random, there’s no rhythm yet.
Dr. Myself: Damn it! The beeps are getting more sporadic. Oh, no! The blog is flat-lining again!
Dr. Me: Even if we do revive the blog at this late stage, there’s likely to be brain damage. I’m not reading any alpha, theta, delta frequencies currently. It is likely that there might not be any new and original posts in the future for this blog even it had been fully resuscitated.
Dr. Myself: Should we call it then?
Dr. Me: I think so. We’ve done all we can.
Dr. Myself: Alright, time of death, eight forty tw…..
Dr. I: No, wait! What’s this? … this just fell out of its pocket.
Dr. Me: What is it?
Dr. I: It is a note. Looks like a shopping list. Give me the paddles, I’m setting it at 80 and I’ll shock him again. Charging…… Clear!
Dr. Me: We’ve got a pulse…and it is rhythmic!
Dr. Myself: It is a strong one…at 120. BP’s 100!
Dr. Me: Good call, Dr. I! The blog seems to be activated again.
Dr. Myself: But how did you know?
Dr. I: I just saw the grocery shopping list and I thought that it probably qualifies as a post, as these days any drivel can make it to a blog.
Dr: Me: Let me see the list.
GROCERY LIST
1. A bitter pill for the globalists to swallow so they can realize that not all their sordid schemes will work out the way that they’ve planned.
2. A Forbidden Fruit for every self-righteous, over-zealous, ultra-religious nut bags who believes they are responsible for showing everyone the right path and punishing those who don’t follow their way.
3. A bunch of sour grapes for all the sad gits who hoped Pakistan would not make it to 60 years.
4. A tissue of lies (regurgitated by the mainstream media) that I can use to blow my nose or better yet, wipe my ass with!
5. A pint of milk of human kindness for all humanity – I know we could all do with some more.
27 Comments so far
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Funny yet again had me rotfl
Welcome back
See if there is a reaction to Bhutto-Musharraf deal or how a state of emergency was averted on account of a phone call that Condi made to the General at 2am, one fine morning, or the glorious manner of the Chief Justice’s reinstatement or the joint celebrations of independence at the Attari-Wagah border, perhaps.
“Dr. Me: Yes, but you stuck it in me instead.
Dr. I: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll take it out.
Dr. Me: No, leave it. I’m rather enjoying it at the moment.”
Absolute defining moment of the post!!
Hallelujah!!
Welcome back guru!
Not the first time a grocery list has saved lives, nor the first time sarcasm was found in a grocery list.
Omer
Welcome back.. this was another funny piece.
I loved the grocery list..
And do not disappear
R
What a come back! Don’t you sometmes wonder how many report to a blog emergency such as yours, and what is the current blog mortality rate, hehe. Is there a provision for those in long term coma, and is there a Dr Kevorkian on call?
Thanks for stopping by and for the insightful comment on “The Reluctant Fundamentalist”
Omer! You’ve been missed. Funny post - my own blog has been lagging of late - there is of course a story behind this . . . there is always a story . . . I’ll take heart from your revival as I try to refocus my own bog-efforts.
How’s fatherhood, by the by?
Awesome as ever - welcome back!
welcome baq omer!!
LOVED the blog! funny as ever!
thought you’d succumbed terminally to fatherhood-blues there: the agony and the ecstasy of it all. (i’m not sure i ever recovered). glad to see you’re soldiering on.
OMG… loved the post… really funny
This the first time i visited your blog….i must say quite impressive. Great act, really funny.
i visit*
good to have you back! there so little humor otherwise.
hmmmmmmm, the timing of revival seems to parallel that of nawaz sherif’s…. is there something we don’t know???
welcome back, now maybe you can send the drs. over to my blog!
hey .. that was hilarious seriously Welcome back indeed..
Maliha siddiqui
Sneezed beer all over the just-repaired laptop…
fuckin A brilliant.
I needed that…Haven’t laughed that loud in a while.
peace n love;
CH
Profanity opology-sometimes I type too fast…
this is the first time im visiting your blog and its great! hilarious!
Damn, all the kings men & Fox News couldn’t put humpty together again!!! That’s messed up.
Welcome back.
haha, sooo funny! Nice to see you back in business!
no more blogs where are you at ????
that was a great post, as usual.
hope you’re well.
thought you’d succumbed terminally to fatherhood-blues there: the agony and the ecstasy of it all. (i’m not sure i ever recovered). glad to see you’re soldiering on.
I think I visited your blog after about an year or so. As usual, captivating indeed!
Well being a doctor, I know the terminology. I love this post and I hope after facing all this, the blog will never think of dying again even in dream. Great post a million dollar one!
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