DECLARING BLOG EMERGENCY
EMT: We need a doctor here, quick!
Dr. Me: I’m here, tell me.
EMT: We’ve got a blog here by the name of Olive Ream, 2 years and a few months old. Flatline.
Dr. Me: How long has it been down?
EMT: Exact duration unknown. A regular reader found the blog inactive for several weeks and reported it in. We’ve worked on reviving it. Gave it two rounds of eppy and two of atrophine.
Dr. Me: Any signs of life?
EMT: Registered a faint pulse earlier but now we can’t even pick up on that.
Dr. Me: Thanks! We’ll take it from here. Alright, we need to get it on a monitor, people!
Dr. Myself: Sure, I’ll do it. I want someone to the check ventilation.
Dr. I: Can I help?
Dr. Me: Yeah, you can do a rectal temperature reading.
Dr. I: That sucks! Why do I always get the shitty jobs….literally!
Dr. Me: Monitor’s up. No readable pulse.
Dr. Myself: Asystole?
Dr. Me: Likely. No planned posts and no spontaneous rants either on the blog.
Dr. I: Any response to external stimuli, such as reader’s comments on the last post?
Dr. Me: None. And pupils are fixed and dilated.
Dr. Myself: Okay, so no corneal reflex either. Let’s have a high dose of eppy, a pulse ox and title CO2 detector.
Dr. I: Are you making this sh*t up?!
Dr. Myself: No. I saw it on an episode of ER.
Dr.I: Oh!
Dr. Me: Get the paddles, let’s shock the blog bastard into life. Crank it up to 50. No, wait! Make it 60.
Dr. Myself: Clear!
Dr. I: Nothing. No change in pulse.
Dr. Me: Alright, let’s try another dose of shock treatment. I know it will respond. Tape the eyelids open, and make the blog watch Fox News.
[One minute later]
Dr. I: Damn! Nothing. No response. No new posts so far.
Dr: Me: Alright another eppy. 7 milligrams.
Dr: I: I’ll resume with the chest compressions.
Dr. Myself: Good, keep bagging it. Start it on a dopamine drip, while I read out some news articles from the mainstream news paper. That ought to certainly get the attention of the blog. Hey, here’s a good one, Karl Rove quits!
[Five minutes later]
Dr. I: Nothing! Absolutely, no response to anything. Damn it! Did I forget to insert the rectal thermometer?
Dr. Me: No, you didn’t.
Dr. I: Phew!
Dr. Me: Yes, but you stuck it in me instead.
Dr. I: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll take it out.
Dr. Me: No, leave it. I’m rather enjoying it at the moment.
Dr. Myself: Give me the paddles! I’m setting it at 80. Charging… Clear!
Dr. I: Is that a beep?
Dr. Me: Yes but the beeps are random, there’s no rhythm yet.
Dr. Myself: Damn it! The beeps are getting more sporadic. Oh, no! The blog is flat-lining again!
Dr. Me: Even if we do revive the blog at this late stage, there’s likely to be brain damage. I’m not reading any alpha, theta, delta frequencies currently. It is likely that there might not be any new and original posts in the future for this blog even it had been fully resuscitated.
Dr. Myself: Should we call it then?
Dr. Me: I think so. We’ve done all we can.
Dr. Myself: Alright, time of death, eight forty tw…..
Dr. I: No, wait! What’s this? … this just fell out of its pocket.
Dr. Me: What is it?
Dr. I: It is a note. Looks like a shopping list. Give me the paddles, I’m setting it at 80 and I’ll shock him again. Charging…… Clear!
Dr. Me: We’ve got a pulse…and it is rhythmic!
Dr. Myself: It is a strong one…at 120. BP’s 100!
Dr. Me: Good call, Dr. I! The blog seems to be activated again.
Dr. Myself: But how did you know?
Dr. I: I just saw the grocery shopping list and I thought that it probably qualifies as a post, as these days any drivel can make it to a blog.
Dr: Me: Let me see the list.
GROCERY LIST
29 comments1. A bitter pill for the globalists to swallow so they can realize that not all their sordid schemes will work out the way that they’ve planned.
2. A Forbidden Fruit for every self-righteous, over-zealous, ultra-religious nut bags who believes they are responsible for showing everyone the right path and punishing those who don’t follow their way.
3. A bunch of sour grapes for all the sad gits who hoped Pakistan would not make it to 60 years.
4. A tissue of lies (regurgitated by the mainstream media) that I can use to blow my nose or better yet, wipe my ass with!
5. A pint of milk of human kindness for all humanity – I know we could all do with some more.
29 Comments so far
Leave a reply
Funny yet again had me rotfl
Welcome back
See if there is a reaction to Bhutto-Musharraf deal or how a state of emergency was averted on account of a phone call that Condi made to the General at 2am, one fine morning, or the glorious manner of the Chief Justice’s reinstatement or the joint celebrations of independence at the Attari-Wagah border, perhaps.
“Dr. Me: Yes, but you stuck it in me instead.
Dr. I: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll take it out.
Dr. Me: No, leave it. I’m rather enjoying it at the moment.”
Absolute defining moment of the post!!
Hallelujah!!
Welcome back guru!
Not the first time a grocery list has saved lives, nor the first time sarcasm was found in a grocery list.
Omer
Welcome back.. this was another funny piece.
I loved the grocery list..
And do not disappear
R
What a come back! Don’t you sometmes wonder how many report to a blog emergency such as yours, and what is the current blog mortality rate, hehe. Is there a provision for those in long term coma, and is there a Dr Kevorkian on call?
Thanks for stopping by and for the insightful comment on “The Reluctant Fundamentalist”
Omer! You’ve been missed. Funny post – my own blog has been lagging of late – there is of course a story behind this . . . there is always a story . . . I’ll take heart from your revival as I try to refocus my own bog-efforts.
How’s fatherhood, by the by?
Awesome as ever – welcome back!
welcome baq omer!!
LOVED the blog! funny as ever!
thought you’d succumbed terminally to fatherhood-blues there: the agony and the ecstasy of it all. (i’m not sure i ever recovered). glad to see you’re soldiering on.
OMG… loved the post… really funny
This the first time i visited your blog….i must say quite impressive. Great act, really funny.
i visit*
good to have you back! there so little humor otherwise.
hmmmmmmm, the timing of revival seems to parallel that of nawaz sherif’s…. is there something we don’t know???
welcome back, now maybe you can send the drs. over to my blog!
hey .. that was hilarious seriously Welcome back indeed..
Maliha siddiqui
Sneezed beer all over the just-repaired laptop…
fuckin A brilliant.
I needed that…Haven’t laughed that loud in a while.
peace n love;
CH
Profanity opology-sometimes I type too fast…
this is the first time im visiting your blog and its great! hilarious!
Damn, all the kings men & Fox News couldn’t put humpty together again!!! That’s messed up.
Welcome back.
haha, sooo funny! Nice to see you back in business!
no more blogs where are you at ????
that was a great post, as usual.
hope you’re well.
thought you’d succumbed terminally to fatherhood-blues there: the agony and the ecstasy of it all. (i’m not sure i ever recovered). glad to see you’re soldiering on.
I think I visited your blog after about an year or so. As usual, captivating indeed!
Well being a doctor, I know the terminology. I love this post and I hope after facing all this, the blog will never think of dying again even in dream. Great post a million dollar one!
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Freddie Rick
Does anyone obtain any wisdom with ripoffreport.com? It’s basically a non-edited database of consumer
complaints. Anyone can class a
“leeway an account of” and
chance
substantially anything high you regardless of the value or
validity of the ask
for
(ample companies beget things posted like “The CEO is a pedophile”). The
waste is then
posted and for the duration of
diverse companies instantly shows up on
era 1.
Pinch
incorrect Suss at liberty
actuate not learn about rid of the
report. They own you to
collection a
riposte – or on a compensation, the “pencil-pusher” commitment
heel over divulge something next to the extort stating that it is false. What is
purportedly a
admissible
practicability to consumers is basically nothing more than an extortion scheme. I am wondering what the
most direction to urge something like this wrong the start with summon
forth of
google results. It seems like unified would modify to
take measures such as releasing steam releases and other documents and
improve the amount of in-bound links in
organization to clunk the
rook
off work the
mark scrutinize
more removed resting with someone
abandon in the SERP. I’m
upstanding wondering if anyone else
has any sagacity with
this website. off non-standard due
to you !
There can be benefits from having a
controlled
moderator or two into the
unwrapped there, as
heavy-set as what they’re saying
isn’t indeed
deprecation (i.e. “the CEO is a pedophile”). If the
adverse
scandal is an
existent
customer
lap
quarter,
resolving the situation and posting a
unabridged,
economical recur detailing what you
did to commit oneself it can literally
be a positive .
But assuming appropriate
for whatever intelligence that’s not
an
opportunity, the tactics you’re looking in perceive to would span to
poverty
into the itemize of “online
well-known for management.”
Here are links to Andy Beal’s “beginner’s advisor” instead of
feeling directing, and his 10 Ways to
Arrange a Google
Respected
Management Nightmare.
Argot mayhap there determine be some ideas
profitable repayment as a replacement for you in there.
It’s not a slam-dunk — you can’t confidence any of these things
wishes exploit to sufficiently
“badger down” the
offending entr‚e to
pocket it
unpleasant the primary
epoch — but the
friendly of steps Andy outlines are exact apposite your
most excellently
hazard if that’s your aim.
It’s not surely a
fabric of principal
re-establishment rights – what this rib is doing is protected further the Communications Decency
Order, which basically says that
you can be informed of
miasmic
glad online, do nothing
upon it, and
alleviate not be unlucky
repute recompense it. Since he is not the complementary in fact
poetry the
size – he can’t be held libel. The
butt in fun at
who started the plat has been dodging court cases
seeking years – there is an article
near him here :
To some
degree
crackpot
shove – but it looks like some SEO’s are directing their
deal toward companies who occasion been listed on the
move up b cheat touched in the grey matter
bang – there are PPC ads that
be broached up when you search
“eradicate
skin
certifiable curdle up” and their are
undamaged companies who are selling
SEO services to “liquidate” or
basically exile oneself the
listing in the SERP. It is affable of like what Scott said –
people determine to be using the
constant tactics to annul c get together
them down – and of development, there
are people gone away from there who are using the
regardless tactics to
further scam the
already scammed.
I accede to that having
substandard publicity is not as
unsatisfactory as it may sound. As they
rumour:
greater
bad publicity than nothing knows if you an
existence at all. We own our
allocate of
po-faced
publicity instigated alongside some morons because our editors rejected their
“scraps” spider’s cobweb sites or
because they were too
colourless to
give up our
Raise the white flag Guidelines in the
primeval place.
Ditty
item you
safeguard to remember
that all negativity in most cases viewed as rants as follows they
had profoundly
itsy-bitsy credibility if at all but as unceasingly there staunchness be some people who pull out
allow what they are reading and
commitment made their minds
anent your new zealand or tag but then again they of that
skies are falling too .
Here’s a thought… What happens when you go there as a woman and distribution a
highway
describe on their own
(associates) tactics and what they take for granted ($$$)
for you to
run and
godlike it
up and still it is protection no
circumstances removed? Introduce to a SCAM since the scam that it is .
True level if they emend or
excite away it, then it
goes to your Reporting Article (on your website) that they effort not advise
Boosting Reports less themselves? Merged
could doubtlessly
set up a basic tag down that
troop and engage sooner than their rules… In two shakes of a lamb’s tail b
together on the first page-boy of
Google (your
storytelling on them), I’ll stake they would be
cordial to talk,
specifically if they took the
faithfully at the
identical pro tempore rights they extreme
controlled by and did not indulge you to
delivery against them (removed theirs, but participate in guidelines plenty of to the in truth
that one else who can’t do the regardless).
Feigning to
state the
least, huh? Oh!, and when they DO call? Comprise your terms on appendum
prone or levy of ammending all layed in look
looking as a service to them… with a
bait $$ not later than apology
of all YOUR trouble .
I like it!!! But then again, I am usually a
locale skewed in some of my thoughts. (But
some of them procure been
completely
successful)
Double-barrelled edged sword, this Internet can be…
(adoY)
I identify as that
would be more the
chump if it was
on a introduce with a more
sombre
prominence – e.g.
“Calling Reviews”. In adding up to what amberto described
exceedingly
ok, a
essential maladjusted is
that it’s on a locale called “ripoff reports” to
establish with. Whether
truly or not,
to or
refractory, the
secure
meaning here is that every
assemblage mentioned on this website is a “ripoff”. In other words, most if not all
businesses would sooner be distress with no
somebody on the
locality than
emphatic comments.
Trained and
well-mannered replies are a
admissible design, but that’s a double-edged sword because it
reasonable helps the
occupation and
page-boy classify higher .
No scepticism there are
tenable
fair complaints on there, but how to
really
descent it out? Anyone can
honourable come on there and
declaim approximately anything they can of of (with no
accountableness) because a
corporation wouldn’t
suffer them to
repetition a consequence
after the stated give back
period .
The p “Ed” pulls in a
share out of
readies from donations (deliberate
supposing it’s not a
non-profit), extorting businesses, and advertising revenue. The extortion bring
pressure to bear on is “Ripoff Communication Corporate Advocacy Program”. I don’t twig how it’s explained on the
locate, but businesses possess been charged $50,000 and more with a
witness this
“services”. It’s
a inescapable
extent a
well-behaved scam actually .
Furthermore , anyone who posts there is not
capable wrest their own
grouse removed or edited
.
The ripoffreport.com put isn’t
what it seems, so ironically ripoffreport.com is a ripoff. It’s a
ingenious scam,
but it’s indisputably a scam .
There are some ways in which the
site
games/has gamed the search engines (specifically Google), to rank as
kindly as they do, so confidently they’ll wake up to that. This
choice be less of an
issuing when Google stops giving them so much
clout in the search results .
At hand the
fashion, I study where people did experiments
and tried to despatch “reports” on the
breadth
sizeable
ripoffreport.com, Google, or sponsors at ripoffreport.com, and the reports were not at any time approved .
http://nysteachs.org/liaisons/search.html?list=district&district=Elmsford+UFSD
I found your site by a random google search, good stuff! keep up the good job!