the olive ream

Since the re-launch (or more pretentiously speaking renaissance) of the Olive Ream, the site has gone through two exacting theme changes. The current wordpress theme you see before you was chosen because I naively thought it would be easily manageable and customizable, and primarily because the first theme I chose made the fonts as large as piles of elephant dung when viewed through IE. But how bloody wrong I was about this current theme. Since I installed it, I’ve tried to clean up the original (diagonally striped background) with something more plain. But for some God forsaken reason, this theme, (which I am now fully convinced is possessed), keeps returning back to the original striped background at odd times during the day, (at least that is how it appears for me through firefox and IE both). And no, I am not an alcoholic or on drugs, just in case you were wondering.

In addition to evil-spirited occurence of the striped backgrounds at odd times, the right side bar is being controlled by the minions of this evil theme spirit, as the text links and banners have the habit of left aligning themselves without me having to fiddle with the code in the theme editor. And for some bastard like reason, the paragraph breaks do not appear in most posts as they should, which is a real hemorrhoidal pain in the gluteus maximus.

Yesterday, the whole bloody site disappeared for no damn good reason. Had it not been for Teeth Maestro and his technical maneuvering to save this site, you would all be now looking at a white page with ’404 Error’ probably stating ‘Site possessed by the Mephistopheles of the blogging world’.

I spent most of today, exorcising the demons out of the design theme with the aid of Holy can of Soda and large pieces of garlic bread, which also happened to be part of my lunch. As of now, I think the beelzebub of wordpress has been sent to the hell it came from but unfortunately, I cannot be sure that all will remain peaceful in the future. So in case, you notice the site theme is out of whack and the fonts are left aligning or hideously large in size or the background is all buggered, please know that it is not my fault, it is most likely that the satanic theme has returned to haunt the hell out of my innocent little home in cyberspace. Just do me a favour, and inform me of the demonic errors you might notice.

BEGONE YOU EVIL DIABLO OF WEB LOGS, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!
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Update: February 4th, 2007

The demonic theme in question has been expelled to the bowels of hell that it came from. Another pious, God-fearing theme has now been adopted in its place and that is the theme that you see before you. I pray for its sanctity, preservation and life ever lasting. Amen.

Welcome to my new residence, free from blogspot.com ailments and with a new domain name to boot! Have a look around as there are different sections to check out. Leave comments or cash or both as you see fit.

Help yourself to the hors d’oeuvres, just don’t drop any crumbs on carpet. There are drinks in the fridge and three bottles of 2003 Château Lafite Rothschild for the wine connoisseurs and alcoholics in the crowd. Enjoy!

[Cue sad music]

Being this my 100th post, I would like to take this opportunity to announce the retirement of The Olive Ream. This blog has had a good run over the last two years. And I have, through this blog, been introduced to some wonderful people and made some very good friends. But it is time for my political drivel to come to an end – or at least go on a voluntary sabbatical for an unknown period. I hope to resurface again at some point (sooner or later) with an another blog (or perhaps even the same) but with a new broader concept.

Quoting lyrics from a favourite musician, “I need to take leave of my senses, to get a moment’s rest”.

This is the end of The Olive Ream but not of Over A Mile, as I shall continue to blog there and continue writing for Global Voices Online, so officially I am still blogging. You can get in touch with me via email or through my photo blog. And I shall continue to make my rounds of all my favourite blogs and leave my strange comments for you to ponder on (or laugh at).

Thank you to everyone who enjoyed my posts. I sincerely appreciated and enjoyed all your comments.

As a last farewell to this blog, I present the BEST OF …

- 25 Years of CNN
- Welcome to Pax Americana
- The Mullah Ruse
- Special Offer
- A brief encounter of the prostitute kind
- Chicken sh*t for the soul
- Bloggers Soliloquy
- A room with view points
- For Sale
- Precursory Rhyme
- No Worries
- The Dementia Code
- Super Bush
- Headlines
- Recipe for Disaster
- Lulla-bye to free speech

I’ll let The Sundays, sing my goodbye to you, ” And I vow that it’s goodbye and God bless. … (my) stories were a good read they were dumb as well”

Peace and good fortune (cookies) to all of you!

Me: So what’s wrong with you now? You haven’t posted anything for days.

Myself: I am lost in the fog of indifference and knee-deep in the swamp of apathy.

I: Liar! You’re residing comfortably in the town of Procrastination-ville, in the State of utter laziness. It’s time you returned back to Reality city and started posting your drivel. Your fans are waiting.

Myself: Hah! Both are on vacation, and won’t be coming back anytime soon.

Me: But there’s so much to write about. You realize that the Bush and company are in serious trouble because the Supreme Court ruled that the Geneva Convention applied to Al Qaeda and Taliban detainees.

Myself: Yes, but the Neocon minions passed this bill through the House faster than passing water in the Washing Closet, to cover Bush’s ass so he cannot be prosecuted under the War Crimes Act. And soon this bill will be approved by Congress so there’s no point in me ranting about it.

I: What a lame excuse, you daft git!

Me: Alright then, how about writing about the Torture Bill? That’s chockfull of juicy tidbits.

I: Like what?

Myself: Well, I realize that there are several angles to confront that topic. First, this bill proposes to criminalize any challenge to its legality by the Supreme Court or any other court for that matter. In fact, the Attorney General Gonzales has already threatened some federal judges on the issue of torture by promising to have their testicles removed in case they grow balls.

Then, there’s definition of torture that is so vague that it allows the current administration the authority to torture anyone (including children) by classifying them as ‘Enemy Combatants’, although mainstream media might have you think otherwise. And once they are classified as enemy combatants, they can of course then be thrown into a military prison without a right to a fair trial. How wonderfully freedom loving and democratic is that for the United States?

Me: So why aren’t you ranting about that?

Myself: I thought I just did.

I: Oh, piss off! That wasn’t a rant, that was more like a comatose diatribe without the requisite expletives.

Myself: Whatever!

Me: So what about writing about the 9-11 conspiracy theorists?

Myself: Well, Bush’s National Strategy For Combating Terrorism classifies conspiracy theorists as ‘terrorist recruiters’, which naturally qualifies the conspiracy lot (also known as the 9-11 Truth movement) as enemy combatants and therefore are ripe for a good bit of torturing from the Bush Administration.

I: Is that why you are so chicken shit scared about writing about the conspiracy theories?

Myself: Did you even read my last post? … Plonker!

Me: Hey! How about commenting about Musharraf’s new book? You know acting Head of State revealing state and personal secrets, that is so perfectly set-up for satire.

Myself: I know but that isn’t really that surprising, is it? I mean, if you saw your popularity waning fast and a bleak future, and then someone offered you a million dollars to write a memoir and build yourself a future career on the lecture circuit, what would you do?

I: Sell yourself?

Me: I didn’t say that! … for the record.

Myself: Actually, I am more interested in Colin Powell’s new book in which he says Bush fired him after re-election. But then again, that isn’t that surprising either because Colin is known to possess something between his ears, and I am not talking about his nose.

Me: So what about the writing about this guy being arrested on American Airlines flight for being a suspect bomber?

Myself: Yes, that was a right laugh, considering he was a famous, Jewish architect and was considered dangerous because of his possession of a tan! (I am not making this up). How ironic, that I predicted the same in one of my earlier posts.

Me: So are you planning to write anything for your blog?

Myself: I might if I can be financially motivated.

I: Well, here’s a quarter, buy yourself a clue, you lazy twit!

I am not very keen about posting my personal rants about non-political issues on this site, but I am breaking the rule with this post because I am holding a gun to my head in order to ensure that this issue is addressed (that is how strongly I feel about it).

Re-blogging which I define as the copying and pasting of other peoples, opinions, news, stories, images, laundry list, etc. on one’s own blog as a new post. This dreadful habit started out as a slight sniffle on a few blogs, turned very quickly into an influenza attack, and is now spreading through the blogosphere like an unstoppable pandemic. I am sure most of you must have noticed. Then why didn’t you say anything?

This appalling blogger malady is an addiction. Some of the bloggers are weak enough that if they re-blog once, they continue (at an unhealthy frequency) to repeat this idiotic mistake again and again because they think that highlighting someone else’s minutia is likely to entertain their own blog audience. Here’s a clue: IT DOESN’T! (…majority of the time).

There’s nothing wrong with occasional re-blog posts that highlight matters of interest (from the internet) that can be considered important, entertaining or even personal. But re-blogging trivial tripe 3 to 4 times a day on your blog is absolute madness. It only exhibits that you are severely lacking in original thought and that your last remaining brain cells are servicing the right click COPY and PASTE option of your mouse.

This re-blog annoyance would not matter if the original content (from another site) was accompanied with a personal opinion on the subject. That very rarely happens. What is rampant is either a full plagiaristic rip off without a single comment or link to the source, or the pasted content is accompanied by a genius analytical commentary such as “Here, look at this!”

Just to clarify my point, re-blogging is NOT syndicated content on a blog or a news site that highlights commentary on global, political or personal issues worthy of interest. Re-blogging is the bastard child of laziness and unoriginality on the internet today. Unless we start commenting and criticizing it more prominently, the future of blogging will comprise majority posts like this:

January 3^rd, 2008

Here, look at this!

—-

January 3^rd, 2008

“Grass”. As posted by another blogger.

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January 3^rd, 2008

I posted this a few minutes ago.

—-

Comment: From Mr. Original:

Hey, great post! I think I’ll reblog it.

—-

I think I’ll put the gun down until then.

The rise of alternative news sites on the internet have been a cause of great concern for certain members of Powers That Be (PTB), enough to cause bleeding stomach ulcers that cannot be cured by the aid of Pepto Bismol or an hour of Fox News.

Added to this alternative news site bombardment of facts, the other insufferable malady that is causing the same members of PTB to suffer from uncontrollable and involuntary bowel movements are web logs or blogs to be more precise. These blogs have morphed over the years from harmless online diaries of personal minutia to sites providing breaking news, analytical commentary and investigative news pieces. This current trend of political blogging has led to the classification of the term, ‘Citizen Journalism’ or at least that is what the mainstream media calls it.

Needless to say Citizen Journalists (bloggers) are causing a great deal of discomfort to majority of the mainstream media. The reason is that mainstream media, (seen here as a caucasian male working in a major US news network for the last 20 odd years and earning a salary in 7 figures), cannot stand the fact that ordinary people might have the requisite grey matter to do a well researched, informative and detailed analysis of global political events. What this mainstream media (arrogant, flatulent git) does not realize is that bloggers do not have to conform their writing to appease any government, corporation, lobby, or political pressure group because they are worried about losing out on their fat pay cheque.

Bloggers write because they are passionate about what they believe in, be it describing the content of their handkerchief after blowing their nose or questioning the government on their official lies.

I blog in hopes that the Powers That Be will soon be reduced to the Powers That Were, with aid of other bloggers from around the world. It is for precisely that reason that I, in partnership with my good friend Awab Alvi, have launched the Bloggers.Pakistan web site. The idea is to consolidate all the individual Pakistani blogging voices from around the globe on to one single web site so that the global internet audience can hear what we have to say. And of course, to further infuriate the mainstream media minions for not conforming to their guidelines set by Beelzebub. Oh! Did I say Beelzebub?… I meant the Globalists.

So I invite all my readers (yes, both of you!) to support our web site and routinely visit Bloggers.Pakistan for a Pakistani perspective on global issues such as the Iraq situation, global warming and Paris Hilton’s latest fashion statement.

Ring…Ring…Ring!!!

Me: Hello?

Operator: I have a call for you, will you accept the charges?

Me: Who is it?

Operator: It is your conscience calling, collect.

Me: Oh, Geez!…It is 2 bloody o’clock in the morning, what does he want now! Alright, put him through.

Con: Wake up you impertinent fool!

Me: It is bad enough you pester me endlessly during the day, and now you annoy me at night, when I am sleeping.

Con: Sleeping?! Sleeping?!…How can you sleep at a time like this!

Me: A time like what?

Con: The whole world goes down the crapper and you are snoring your way to apathy.

Me: What do you want me to do?

Con: Take action.

Me: Forge some opposition, start a revolution, and storm the Bastille, perhaps?

Con: HA bloody HA. Let’s have less of that lip, shall we? Now get to work!

Me: What do you want me to do?

Con: Write a bloody post for your blog? It has been weeks!

Me: Not in the mood, really. Besides, I am suffering from a bloggers block.

Con: Oh, copious piles of dog poo! There’s so much to write about.

Me: Like what?

Con: Impending Iran attack, the Iraq mess, your absolute dislike for PNAC, the growing infringement of human rights, Global Warming, the insanity of Globalists, the vomit inducing reality TV shows, the rise of intolerance by the religiously skewed, the list is endless. So, what do you say?

Me: hmm…..let me think……..Nah, couldn’t be buggered.

Con: You heartless and unfeeling blog person! How dare you refuse your conscience?

Me: But what difference would it make if I blog or not? Would anyone notice the difference?

Con: I certainly would. Your thoughts will just then swivel around your head, your rant would have no where to go and as a result your head will explode. It would make such a mess and I am NOT going to clean it up, that’s for sure.

Me: Actually, I think I might have run out of things to say (as exhibited by this post).

Con: So this is how you celebrate your one year anniversary of blogging?

Me: Has it been a whole year? Wow! It felt more like 12 months to me.

Con: So are you quitting?

Me: I might be. I prefer going out with a whimper….and that feeling of ‘hmm?’.

I think I have delayed writing about this subject long enough; even procrastination is beginning to think I am over doing it with the ‘laziness’ bit. So here is how it all happened….

Flashback (Swirly visual effects accompanied by ‘doo roo roo roo’ sound-fxs)

It was the winter of my discontent, and I was enjoying my evening constitution of sulking about the house, playing with my favourite piece of string, when I was interrupted by an email from the South Asia Editor of Global Voices Online. It said, ” Pay attention, I shall write this only once. Are you aware that blogspot.com blogs cannot be viewed in Pakistan? I want you to contact your sources in Pakistan, and find out why. Now drop your piece of string and get to work! This email will self destruct in 2 seconds.” No, wait! I am still in the middle of reading your ema..BANG!

I quickly sprung in to action; took a shower, made myself a sandwich, went shopping and trimmed the hedges. Then I realized I forgot to email my contacts. “Oh fudge!” I expeditiously sent out a message to my blogger group: “BLOGSPOT.COM BLOGS NOT VIEWABLE IN PAKISTAN [STOP] CAN YOU CONFIRM [STOP] MUST FIND OUT THE REAL REASON FOR THE BLOCK SO DON’T [STOP] UNTIL YOU FIND OUT THE CAUSE [STOP]”

Over the next 24 hours, I received several reasons for the blockade, which are listed as follows:
-Bush visit to Pakistan
-Blogger.com suffering from technical glitch
-Martians taking over cyber space
-Controversial cartoons considered blasphemous are being blocked by the Pakistan authorities and a blanket ban has been applied to the blogspot.com domain by the ISPs who are in fear of being prosecuted by the government for not abiding by the regulations set by the Pakistan Telecommunications Authority (PTA).

Needless to say, all were likely possibilities for the ban except for one. The ‘cartoon controversy’ sounded totally ridiculous!

The news finally hit a few news sites (and the Martians were lambasted for the screw up). I was deeply upset by this unfair ban. The massively large number of Pakistani fans of my blog were inconsolable, as they could not view my site. Yes, both of them were grief-stricken (and still remain in mourning).

I had to do something and quick, to protest this injustice. So I went out for dinner with my wife. Upon my return, I contacted an old blogger compadre, Dr. Awab (of the Teeth Maestro fame) and we mutually, synchronistically and surreptitiously decided to launch the DON’T BLOCK THE BLOG campaign.

With our campaign page propped up within nano-seconds, we (Awab and I) hit the internet highway in my trusted rickhaw (with a nameplate that says, ‘BLOCK THIS!’).

Within a course of the next 48 hours, 23 minutes and 8.6 seconds we had spread the word about the ban far and wide (within a cyber parameter of an eight mile radius). As a result, our efforts were covered by main, alternative and obscure stream news sites (the links to those news items can be found on the campaign page – plug, plug).

So far the blanket ban on blogspot.com web logs has not been lifted but I continue to fight for the cause I believe in – the freedom of blogs from Martian attacks.

————-
(On a serious) Note:

So far, I’ve kept silent about my own personal opinions about the free speech issue and have let the DONT BLOCK THE BLOG campaign speak for itself. But I believe it is time to set the record straight as to my point of view.

The controversial cartoons in questions are offensive. In Pakistan, as in many other (Muslim) countries they qualify as blasphemous, so no big surprise there.

These cartoons to me as a Muslim are offensive and various other disagreeable adjectives but I never asked for them to be banned. It would be extremely naïve and juvenile to believe that purpose of the re-printing of these cartoons was only an exercise in the ‘freedom of speech’. These distasteful caricatures were meant to incite hatred, fear or derision of a specific religion and were specifically printed and re-printed for that purpose, considering the current global political climate.

I also believe that the resulting protests against these cartoons went way beyond insanity. It became a field day for nutters and political party morons to exploit the issue, and go on rampage; burning effigies and breaking windows which inturn led to riots that resulted in the burning of buildings and the murder of innocent people.

The recent ban on blogspot.com blogs is unfair because it is a blanket ban. Because of a few offensive sites, the authorities in Pakistan have blocked out so many other blogs that were actually protesting the cartoons. By that logic, the authorities could block the entire net because they are blasphemous writings and illustration on multiple web sites through out the internet.

I am a realist, and I realize that it is very unlikely that the government is going to lift the ban on the offensive sites that are considered blasphemous. And let me be honest here, I don’t give a jot about the banned sites (listed on the PTA letter)…just couldn’t be buggered because they serve no other purpose than highlighting a racist point of view. I qualify them in the same group as a KKK web site, no matter how much they cover themselves under the ‘freedom of speech’ blanket. Any web site or blog that ridicules a religion or a race of people gets my vote for ‘lower than bug excrement’.

For those who believe that I should be fighting for the 12 banned sites listed on the PTA letter I say I would rather concentrate my efforts towards unblocking the millions of blogspot.com blogs that aren’t on the list. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you start your own campaign to fight for the 12 banned sites, and please be sure to include the freedom of speech of all holocaust revisionists , all KKK/white supremacist web sites, along with all the sites promoting Al Qaeda drivel. Got that?!

(The views expressed above are my own and do not reflect those of my co-founder of DON’T BLOCK THE BLOG campaign, Dr. Awab Alvi).