the olive ream

It’s been more than a fortnight since I became a father [Applause]. I could blather on endlessly about how deeply moving the whole experience is about becoming a father (for the first time) and how profound the love one feels for a new born child BUT I’m not going to do that here. I would rather take this opportunity to reveal an observation I’ve made since my son was born and that is, all new-born babies are very similar to fascist leaders and military dictators. Allow me to elucidate and pontificate (all at the same time, while holding my breath and standing on one leg).

Coup d’é•tat: With a sudden and decisive overthrow of government, the new-born has taken control of my home and I have been involuntarily drafted into the service of my child. All natural (and unnatural) resources will now be utilized to cater to the needs of this tiny dictator.

Removal of opposition in high government positions: My position as the primary decision maker in the house has now been relegated to that of an observer. Like the Chief Justice of Pakistan I was forcefully removed from office. Apparently, I know nothing about handling a new-born baby, as I don’t know when to feed or burp the little general. I only end up annoying him by waking him at the wrong time and therefore I cannot be part of his government. I am currently in the process of rounding up supporters and holding a mass demonstration in front of the baby’s crib.

Martial Law: All aspects of my life including my required sojourns to the W.C. are now dictated by the time-table set by this wee fascist. My movement is restricted and a curfew is set on the amount of time I can browse the internet or watch the news. Moreover, it is very unlikely that I will ever get relief from my house-arrest, as my wife has specifically made it clear that she needs help with the baby so “you ain’t going nowhere!”

Regrettable alliances: All known and many unknown (frightfully suspicious) relatives insisted on seeing the baby as soon as we brought him home from the hospital. There were some within this crowd of baby sycophants, who I as a parent, particularly don’t like (despise to be more precise) and I prayed that the baby times his projectile vomiting to target these specific individuals. Unfortunately, the baby just like a military general (who also happens to be the president of your home) decided to form alliances with these individuals in order to gain further popularity amongst the masses of the these distant family members. He did this by behaving perfectly when he was embraced in the unholy bosoms of these individuals. I’m quite sure though that he will grow up to regret his decision not to regurgitate his last meal while being cuddled by these party members as they gobbled down the last of the ladoos (sweets), while their children (junior party members) ran riot and caused irrevocable damage (to my expensive coffee table). The little shits will pay for that one day as I exact my revenge by visiting their house (in a few years) and have my son demolish something really expensive like a 90 inch flat screen television (if I’m lucky).

Refusal to give up the uniform: Just like a military dictator who ‘elects’ himself as President and also remains the chief of army staff, and refuses to give up his uniform, the baby screams his head off as soon as I try to unbutton his romper in time for his bath.

Restriction on Free Speech: As based on the whims of repressive leaders, the baby has tendency to get upset at odd times (based on his mood) to any sound that comes from my mouth. Some days I can talk and “coochie-coo” the hell out of the little despot and on other days I have to keep my gob shut because his infant holiness will not tolerate any verbal discourse in his near vicinity.

Human Rights Abuse / Torture: Currently under practice at all fine covert detention facilities around the world, sleep depravation is the most common form of torture utilized for the War On Terror interrogations. This form of torture is preferred not just by fascist governments but also by my son. He utilizes this inhumane technique to keep me completely unhinged and subservient. Currently, my wife and I are averaging about an hour of sleep every night.

Usurping of public property for personal gain: As is the habit of most dictators, the baby also stakes claim to property which is not rightfully his. Specifically, the baby now owns my side of the bed, even though he does have his own cot to sleep in. I have been quarantined to a sofa in the living room for my 1 hour of nightly slumber.

Privatization of national assets: This is a characteristic move made by most fascist leaders (supported by the United States) during their generally tumultuous rule. They sell off all key national assets to foreign/private investors. The presence of a new-born baby also results in a similar move often suggested by the mother.

Mother: “You know the bedroom cabinet that houses your TV, stereo and DVD player?”

Father: “Yes, I’m familiar with it as it contains my favourite things.”

Mother: “Well, that cabinet just has to go including all of its contents. Sell the damn things if you want but get rid of them immediately because we need to make space for his lordship’s crib and changing table.”

Freedom of the Press: No matter how democratic and open the claims by an autocratic government to the freedom of the press, there is ALWAYS news and information that is censored. Similarly, the news and information about the baby that is shared amongst friends and relatives is also open to scrutiny and censorship by the mother. “Now, don’t go around telling all your friends about how many times the baby cries and how much he keeps us awake at night. He doesn’t need bad press right now, especially as he has not even completed his 100 days in office!”

Government Waste: No matter how many promises we have heard regarding the reduction in the size of the government, there always seems to disproportionate amount of waste created by the same government on useless public programs. In the same manner, no matter how little milk the baby consumes during the day, the amount of waste produced by the little Mussolini is shockingly disproportionate based on the exceedingly large number of diapers he uses up during the course of a 24 hour period.

That reminds me, I better be off as I’ve registered myself for a two-day HAZMAT (Hazardous Material) Handling and Disposal Training course. My wife insists that I have to help with the diaper change.