the olive ream

Me: Hey, I have an idea for an article. Why don’t I comment about the new head Office of Global Anti-Semitism?

Me2: Are you nuts?! Not with your kind of sarcastic drivel!

Me: But why?! I really want to!

Me2: No way, think of another topic to write about.

Me: Alright then, how about Ernst Zundel?

Me2: What are you an idiot? Zundel’s a holocaust revisionist!

Me: I know, and apparently he admired Hitler as well, but I am just curious to research and write about why he says what he says.

Me2: You’re dying for an ass kicking aren’t you? Choose another topic!

Me: David Irving?

Me2: He is a holocaust denier! Don’t you dare!

Me: Alright then, how about I write about the Israeli government’s recent move regarding…

Me2: Stop right there! Just be aware that any strong criticism against Israeli leaders is considered Anti-Semitic by the Office of Global Anti-Semitism.

Me: Well, that’s not fair, is it? Alright, how about the undeniable Jewish influence on the mainstream media in the US and Europe?

Me2: That claim is categorized as Anti-Semitism of the highest order.

Me: Bugger! What about the Jewish slant of Hollywood?

Me2: Sorry, that is considered Anti-Semitism as well.

Me: Jewish lobbies controlling the Congress and Whitehouse?

Me2: Now, you are just trying to piss me off! You know the answer: Anti-Semitism.

Me: So basically, I can’t talk about Israel, Israeli nationals, Israeli government, Israeli foreign policy, Israeli threat?

Me2: Of course you can! You can’t just say anything negative because then it could be classified as Anti-Semitism.

Me: Surely, I can write about the IDF and Mossad?

Me2: Not with your opinions you cannot!…you’ll land yourself in a whole heap of trouble.

Me: How about Jewish people, Jewish culture, Jewish religion?

Me2: Has to be all positive or else it could be considered as you-know-what.

Me: So what the heck should I write about that would be considered PRO-SEMITE and won’t piss off the office of Global Anti-Semitism.

Me2: How about something inane?…like the recent DVD you saw.

Me: Passion of the Christ.

Me2: No way! Write about music.

Me: Madonna?

Me2: Careful! She is devout follower of some of the teachings of the Kabbalah, so better not discuss her.

Me: I thought she was Catholic?

Me2: It doesn’t matter you idiot! She is rich enough to follow any religion she pleases.

Me: I know I’ll write about the movie E.T. and …

Me2: Brilliant!

Me:…how much I hated it.

Me2: Hang on, no! That is dangerous territory.

Me: Oh, come on! Criticizing the film ET or Steven Spielberg’s direction of it, is not Anti-Semitism!

Me2: Well it is bound to become eventually, so best avoid it.

Me: Well then, I have no other topic left other than to write about definition of Semite, which includes people of Near East and Northern Africa, including Arabs and..

Me2: Don’t even go there!

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I think I have delayed writing about this subject long enough; even procrastination is beginning to think I am over doing it with the ‘laziness’ bit. So here is how it all happened….

Flashback (Swirly visual effects accompanied by ‘doo roo roo roo’ sound-fxs)

It was the winter of my discontent, and I was enjoying my evening constitution of sulking about the house, playing with my favourite piece of string, when I was interrupted by an email from the South Asia Editor of Global Voices Online. It said, ” Pay attention, I shall write this only once. Are you aware that blogspot.com blogs cannot be viewed in Pakistan? I want you to contact your sources in Pakistan, and find out why. Now drop your piece of string and get to work! This email will self destruct in 2 seconds.” No, wait! I am still in the middle of reading your ema..BANG!

I quickly sprung in to action; took a shower, made myself a sandwich, went shopping and trimmed the hedges. Then I realized I forgot to email my contacts. “Oh fudge!” I expeditiously sent out a message to my blogger group: “BLOGSPOT.COM BLOGS NOT VIEWABLE IN PAKISTAN [STOP] CAN YOU CONFIRM [STOP] MUST FIND OUT THE REAL REASON FOR THE BLOCK SO DON’T [STOP] UNTIL YOU FIND OUT THE CAUSE [STOP]”

Over the next 24 hours, I received several reasons for the blockade, which are listed as follows:
-Bush visit to Pakistan
-Blogger.com suffering from technical glitch
-Martians taking over cyber space
-Controversial cartoons considered blasphemous are being blocked by the Pakistan authorities and a blanket ban has been applied to the blogspot.com domain by the ISPs who are in fear of being prosecuted by the government for not abiding by the regulations set by the Pakistan Telecommunications Authority (PTA).

Needless to say, all were likely possibilities for the ban except for one. The ‘cartoon controversy’ sounded totally ridiculous!

The news finally hit a few news sites (and the Martians were lambasted for the screw up). I was deeply upset by this unfair ban. The massively large number of Pakistani fans of my blog were inconsolable, as they could not view my site. Yes, both of them were grief-stricken (and still remain in mourning).

I had to do something and quick, to protest this injustice. So I went out for dinner with my wife. Upon my return, I contacted an old blogger compadre, Dr. Awab (of the Teeth Maestro fame) and we mutually, synchronistically and surreptitiously decided to launch the DON’T BLOCK THE BLOG campaign.

With our campaign page propped up within nano-seconds, we (Awab and I) hit the internet highway in my trusted rickhaw (with a nameplate that says, ‘BLOCK THIS!’).

Within a course of the next 48 hours, 23 minutes and 8.6 seconds we had spread the word about the ban far and wide (within a cyber parameter of an eight mile radius). As a result, our efforts were covered by main, alternative and obscure stream news sites (the links to those news items can be found on the campaign page – plug, plug).

So far the blanket ban on blogspot.com web logs has not been lifted but I continue to fight for the cause I believe in – the freedom of blogs from Martian attacks.

————-
(On a serious) Note:

So far, I’ve kept silent about my own personal opinions about the free speech issue and have let the DONT BLOCK THE BLOG campaign speak for itself. But I believe it is time to set the record straight as to my point of view.

The controversial cartoons in questions are offensive. In Pakistan, as in many other (Muslim) countries they qualify as blasphemous, so no big surprise there.

These cartoons to me as a Muslim are offensive and various other disagreeable adjectives but I never asked for them to be banned. It would be extremely naïve and juvenile to believe that purpose of the re-printing of these cartoons was only an exercise in the ‘freedom of speech’. These distasteful caricatures were meant to incite hatred, fear or derision of a specific religion and were specifically printed and re-printed for that purpose, considering the current global political climate.

I also believe that the resulting protests against these cartoons went way beyond insanity. It became a field day for nutters and political party morons to exploit the issue, and go on rampage; burning effigies and breaking windows which inturn led to riots that resulted in the burning of buildings and the murder of innocent people.

The recent ban on blogspot.com blogs is unfair because it is a blanket ban. Because of a few offensive sites, the authorities in Pakistan have blocked out so many other blogs that were actually protesting the cartoons. By that logic, the authorities could block the entire net because they are blasphemous writings and illustration on multiple web sites through out the internet.

I am a realist, and I realize that it is very unlikely that the government is going to lift the ban on the offensive sites that are considered blasphemous. And let me be honest here, I don’t give a jot about the banned sites (listed on the PTA letter)…just couldn’t be buggered because they serve no other purpose than highlighting a racist point of view. I qualify them in the same group as a KKK web site, no matter how much they cover themselves under the ‘freedom of speech’ blanket. Any web site or blog that ridicules a religion or a race of people gets my vote for ‘lower than bug excrement’.

For those who believe that I should be fighting for the 12 banned sites listed on the PTA letter I say I would rather concentrate my efforts towards unblocking the millions of blogspot.com blogs that aren’t on the list. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you start your own campaign to fight for the 12 banned sites, and please be sure to include the freedom of speech of all holocaust revisionists , all KKK/white supremacist web sites, along with all the sites promoting Al Qaeda drivel. Got that?!

(The views expressed above are my own and do not reflect those of my co-founder of DON’T BLOCK THE BLOG campaign, Dr. Awab Alvi).

7 comments

The 78th Annual Academy awards will be presented on March 5th, 2006 at the Kodak Theatre, and I for one am on tenterhooks. I can’t wait till it is all over. The understandable excitement for the Oscars ceremony has resulted in much hair loss and rectal prolapsing amongst all Hollywood bigwigs. This year’s selection is rather special as it covers the gamut of topical issues from cowboy manhandling to terrorists with a conscience. You will definitely need to take a box of tissues (and a clean pair of underwear) with you to go watch these films.

With much further ado, I present the nominees for this year’s Best Motion Picture Award:

Redneck Mountain
An epic love story, set against the sweeping landscapes of Texas that tells the story of two old, extremely rich men–a Vice President and a lawyer–who meet in February of 2006 while driving through a ranch apparently hunting for birds. They unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, when the VP accidentally shoots the lawyer in the face, mistaking him for a quail. The resulting complications, joys and tragedies provide a testament to the endurance and power of love.

Kaput!
The brutal murder of more than a hundred thousand Iraqis and two thousand plus American soldiers in the invasion of Iraq sent shockwaves through the world – and captured the attention of an author named William Blum.The movie covers his journey to create a bestseller ROGUE STATE: A Guide to the World’s Only Superpower. Through his extensive research, Blum compiles a detailed list of US governments involvement since WWII in torturing, kidnapping, harboring terrorists, using chemical and biological weapons and utilizing many other lovely foreign policy tools. The book got a recommendation from the most wanted and homicidal of terrorists, Ossama Bin Laden. (I am not kidding!)

Crash (and burn)
A Danish Cartoon(ist). A rightwing-liberal newspaper. A Prime Minister in shock. Thousands of pissed off Muslim protestors. They all clash due to the re-printing of sacrilegious caricatures and over the question of freedom of expression. The protests start out with reasonable and legitimate verbal and written exchange but over the course of a few weeks turn into insanity driven, politically charged riots resulting in damage to property and human life. In the end, most of the protestors have forgotten what they were actually protesting about and end up smashing windows and peoples’ heads for the heck of it.

Good Bye and Good Riddance
Taking place in the post 9-11 era of broadcast journalism, the movie chronicles the real life conflict between Bill O’ Reilly (of Fox News) and those possessing sanity. With a desire to distort facts and promote sycophancy for the Administration, Bill ends up looking like an ass after each show. The movie is about O’ Reilly’s spiral downwards in the cesspool of tabloid journalism. Even the famous late night talk show host, David Letterman, known for his irreverent and ridiculous sense of humour, tells Bill, “60% of what you say is crap.” (Absolutely true – this actually happened.)

Munchen
Set in the aftermath of the US invasion of Iraq and the Abu Ghraib scandal, the story follows the secret CIA chartered flights that originate from various European cities (including Munich) to pick up ‘suspected’ Al Qaeda terrorists to be flown to other (suspect) countries for illegal detention and torture. As the news breaks in the mainstream media of these flights, it is up to the CIA to come up with more creative and innovative ways to cover their tracks (and their ass) in order to continue what they are doing.

As esteemed members of the academy, please submit your vote for the Best Picture and I shall see you all at the Oscars!

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(Response to) Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen’s Address- 3rd Feb, 2006

Ambassadors, Your Excellencies,

Thank you for coming at such short notice, (a full five months after the initial incident happened). As you are well aware Denmark has been faced with protests from the Muslim world concerning the publication of drawings of the Prophet in the independent newspaper Jyllands-Posten (a right wing liberal newspaper, which just shows you how bloody confused this rag really is). The Minister for Foreign Affairs and I have invited you today to inform you on the facts of the matter as well as the position of the Government of Denmark (only now, because we didn’t have a clue as to how seriously the drawings would offend Muslims around the world, because apparently we are all living on another planet with the Danish Cartoon, Kurt Westergaard).

The drawings were brought in the newspaper Jyllands-Posten (Danish for Bigoted Tabloid) in late September 2005. In October I received from 11 ambassadors representing Muslim countries a letter in which they referred to the drawings and to other public statements. They requested a meeting and called on me to take action in the matter. (Being a secret sycophant of the xenophobes within my own government, I actually didn’t do much other than issue an asinine statement that the government could not interfere with the media because I don’t want any bad press myself.)

As you are well aware the cartoons (and I am not talking about the Danish government) caused a widespread public debate during the autumn. Therefore, I devoted a large part of my New Year’s Speech (which I didn’t actually write) to the very issue of ensuring a respectful dialogue and the principle of freedom of expression. (Oh, c’mon don’t laugh – I’m serious!)

In the speech, I made it clear that I condemn any expression, action or indication that attempts to demonise groups of people on the basis of their religion or ethnic background. (Which I have to admit is massive whopper of lie, as the Danish government passed a law, in September of 2004, limiting the ability of Muslims to enter into Denmark. In addition, several politicians within our country have made rather idiotic and racist statements against Muslims in their concentrated effort to convince all Danes to be either scared of Muslims or hate them or both. Thanks to the queen of Denmark for assisting in this effort.)

As you, Ambassadors, have witnessed during your stay in Denmark, the freedom of expression has a wide scope here. (We have the freedom to demonise, demean, ridicule and insult any religion or faith or sentiment that a considerably large population of the world holds sacred BUT what we do not have is the courage to express the same freedom when it comes to questioning the official [Holey] version of 9-11 OR exhibit the tenacity to attempt a cartoon of the Holocaust [God forbid] because that will admittedly be in bad taste and we will be hung by our genitals from the walls of Rosenborg Slot.)

But freedom of expression should always be combined with freedom of religion and respect between religions and cultures. (Absolutely) Those are fundamental values in the Danish society (Evidently not so.)
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Point of Interest – From the Guardian (Feb 6, 06):

Jyllands-Posten, the Danish newspaper that first published the cartoons of the prophet Muhammad that have caused a storm of protest throughout the Islamic world, refused to run drawings lampooning Jesus Christ, it has emerged today.

The Danish daily turned down the cartoons of Christ three years ago, on the grounds that they could be offensive to readers and were not funny.

In April 2003, Danish illustrator Christoffer Zieler submitted a series of unsolicited cartoons dealing with the resurrection of Christ to Jyllands-Posten.

8 comments