the olive ream

Dear Friends,

Please take the time to read this through to the end. It can save a life!

Little Cherry Mopotu was born in Adis Abbaba, the capital of Ethopia. She was abandoned by her birth parents and left to the care of community church. At the age of 4, she was legally adopted by an American couple, Mark and Wendy Kawalski in March of 2002. After much paper work and red tape, she was finally taken back to Kawalski’s family home in Columbus, Ohio. Little Cherry’s first few years with her adopted family were wonderful. Her new parents gave her all the love, care and attention that she richly deserved.

Two days after her 8th birthday, Cherry (lovingly called ‘Angel’ by her adopted parents), was taken for a routine medical check-up with her pediatrician. It was then that they discovered that Angel was afflicted by a rare, African strain of Spinocerebellar Forwardacrapia, a horrible malady that causes one to have an uncontrollable urge to forward insidiously rancid and horrid chain email letters to as many personal and impersonal contacts as possible.

Angel’s goal before she is terminally and permanently destroyed by this horrible disease by the age of 17, is to collect as many E-greeting cards as possible. Her project is being sponsored by Make-A-Wish-Before-You-Croak-Foundation, who will add a penny to the kitty for each greeting card received. Angel has decided that the money collected will not be used to treat her or to comfort her parents, but instead help someone else who is impoverished and desperately in need of help. She has therefore decided to gift all future donations to Save The Alien Foundation.

For those not aware of this campaign, please see the news story below as reported by the Associated Press.

Undeniable evidence of an entity of extra-terrestrial origin has been discovered in the state of North Dakota, USA. The head of what is likely an alien being was found in a region near the Killdeer Mountains, the limbs were discovered 10 miles north of the border of Little Missouri River in Badlands, and the torso which was dug up in Theodore Roosevelt National Park, had the strange alien markings/writing which were later translated to read, “I come in pieces!”

What does the above story have to do with Angel? Well, primarily it was made up by the author to fill up the space in this chain email letter to further infuriate the reader. Also, Angel would like to donate the funds to go to the project of the Restoration of the Alien. She hopes that he can be put back together, and she can eventually leave with the alien when he returns back to his planet and leave us all the f*#k alone!

And to all those readers who practice the fine art of chain-email letter forwarding, please take this quiz, and then grow the hell up! (thank you)

Now go forward the link to this post to everyone you know – your family members, friends, colleagues, neighbours, pets, large farm animals and the Albanians.

On my recent trip to Lahore and Karachi, I noticed a lot of bill hoardings advertising products which most people don’t want, like or need. Instead, I suggest the following billboards should be placed around the cities to highlight what is deserving of real attention.

Dangerous Babe – Sex ki shehzadi – Miro Jan

To: The Olive Ream, while you were out, your conscience called and left the following message.

You vacationing little git! How dare you leave on holiday with out me, leaving me here to stew in my own juices. Have you any idea what I’ve been going through? While you were gorging on sumptuous meals in fancy restaurants and maxing out your credit card on clothes you don’t need and art that you can’t afford (and don’t understand), I’ve been keeping track of things that you should have noticed while on holiday in Lahore. But I am not going to tell you any of those things, as you don’t deserve to know.

I am not going to tell you that not everyone that knocked on the car window at traffic signal was a beggar. Some of them were genuinely trying to sell you something (a news paper, a garland of flowers and incense sticks) and were generally more deserving than the wave of your hand to motion them to leave.

I am not going to tell you, that the waiter at Cooco’s Den was deserving of an additional tip because he was the only waiter there after the official closing time serving you and your friends on the roof top terrace (when the temperature was -2).

I am not going to mention that revulsion (and resulting hysterics) you should have suffered staring at the ubiquitous billboards with the image of the Punjab Chief Minister (and his ever-present constipated smile). Apparently, he is inaugurating or launching or promoting every new government initiative there is or ever likely to be in Lahore.

I am not going to tell you that you should have actually spent time admiring the architecture of the old buildings, rather than taking pictures of them like a Japanese tourist.

I am not going to mention that you should have spent more time talking to the students at NCA, rather than just admiring that art work. What an amazingly talented group of individuals they all are.

I am going to tell you that you should have spoken to the old man with the wheelbarrow collecting plastics bags that you saw every morning in Askari rather than to just photograph him.

I am not going to mention that you shouldn’t have laughed so much at the call to prayer by the tone-deaf muezzin at the Askari mosque, and his desperate attempts to sound in tune. (You will be going straight to hell for this one!)

I am not going to mention that you should have sourced the curator of the Lahore Museum and asked why a building that houses original Sadequain art work, is below freezing in temperature during the winter months. Is it an experiment in cryogenics to ensure posterity of the collection or an experiment in cryonics to ensure the posterity of the visitors to the museum?

And I am not even going to mention the international news that you missed out on while on vacation. With endless calls for exiting Iraq, Bush obliges by increasing the numbers of troops to be deployed to Iraq (naturally), which results in more deaths and chaos every day in that peace forsaken country, which leads to increase hostility in the region, which would result in moving forward the US/Israel plans to attack Iran, which would result in some insane Al Qaeda-labeled terrorist attack, which could possibly escalate to a nuclear war, and in turn cause even Paris Hilton to be concerned about more than just having a bad hair day. So, as far as international news is concerned, not much has changed while you were on vacation.

- Smart bombs are almost exclusively utilized by dumb leaders.

- Stand near a vacuum cleaner, swallow copious spoonfuls of freeze dried coffee and you shall have enough energy to deal with boring relatives and their annoying children. This is called the Theory of Special Relatives: E = mc2. Where E = your energy level, is directly proportional to m (your mass i.e. body weight) multiplied by C2 ( coffee intake squared i.e. caffeine overdose). Einstein was right, apparently.

- For those celebrating the resignation of Rumsfeld, please take the time out to peruse the background on his replacement, Robert M. Gates. Gates (ex-CIA) was directly involved with the Iran contra fiasco, and happened to integrate the Iraq Study Group (ISG). ISG’s main objective was to ensure the continuity of the US Military agenda in the Middle East. Gates nomination serves the interest of the Texas oil companies and the military industrial complex. (So, no change there). For supporters of the Democratic Party, this information always results in shock, dismay and necessitates a change of underwear.

- A flotilla of icebergs, some as big as houses, were spotted south of New Zealand for the first time in living memory. One would expect witnesses to react with fear and trepidation at what is most likely signs of global warming but no. Tourists paid up to $330 dollars to fly over these icebergs to get a closer look. Scientific jury is still out on the origins of these ice houses but I can hazard a guess that it is not a very good sign to have colossal, building-sized pieces of Antarctic ice shelf float by your country’s coastline.

- The say there’s light at the end of the tunnel. In my view, it is most likely a single headlight freight train speeding towards you, so best turn around and run like hell in the opposite direction.

- With the US mid-term election hullabaloo, most used this electoral exercise as the gauge to judge America’s future. Most failed to notice that Bush very conveniently signed into law a provision that revises the Insurrection Act. He did this same day when he signed the Military Commissions Act of 2006. The two laws are complimentary. One allows him the power to declare martial law at home and the other authorizes for torture and detention abroad. I think these laws are better indicators for America’s future, don’t you think? Time for supporters of the Democratic Party to change their underpants again.

- Al Jazeera English is the first 24 hour news channel headquartered in the Middle East. An antidote to BBC, CNN and Fox News, the launch of Al Jazeera must have really chapped the arse of the likes of Rupert Murdoch. But I am sure the Pentagon must be happy with its launch. They finally have more clearly identified Al Jazeera bureau targets to bomb the crap out of (and all accidentally, I might add).

- Nancy Pelosi is the first woman Speaker of the House-elect. Some say that is a good thing. But you should also be aware that Pelosi, although critical of Bush and is anti-Iraq war, completely snubbed the calls for Bush’s impeachment after being appointed to the post. In addition, the lady in question is also a strong supporter of the Military Commissions Act and the staunchest supporter of AIPAC (the strongest Israeli-American Lobby in DC, which incidentally was recently busted on spying on the United States). According to Pelosi, “… the history of the (Palestinian and Israeli) conflict, is not over occupation, and never has been: it is over the fundamental right of Israel to exist.” Perhaps, she needs to holiday a few days in Gaza and West Bank and find out from the Palestinians think about her views. So in conclusion, A woman becoming the first Speaker of the House – a very good thing. Nancy Pelosi being that woman – a very, very bad thing.

- Reminder to all the sheep: A retaliatory or random rocket attack by Hamas into Israel is a terrorist attack. A planned, deliberate bombing of innocent Palestinians (primarily women and children) by the IDF is either an accident or self-defense. Got that?! Don’t ever qualify IDF as state terrorists. Thank you for listening.

- A couple decided to snuggle and kiss on a Southwest Airlines flight out of Los Angeles. This made the other passengers uncomfortable, and as a result the couple was arrested under the Patriotic Act and could now face up to twenty years in a federal prison. Makes you feel really confident flying within the US, doesn’t it? By the way, I am not making this up, this story is absolutely true. I plan to make a film about this incident and call it “SNOGS ON A PLANE”.

- A country (USA) possessing 10,000 nuclear, at 18 locations, in 12 states and 6 European countries, along with another country (Israel) with (undeclared) close to two hundred nuclear weapons feels threatened by a third country (Iran) which has no (declared or undeclared) nuclear weapons at all. I am the only one to see the absurdity of this situation?

- Now go watch celebrity Jeopardy with Donald Rumsfeld. This is another piece of the puzzle. My question is how the fudge do you lose 2.3 Trillion dollars and get away with it?

-Al Qaeda runs out of video and audio tapes – DHS left clueless to Bin Laden’s next move

-New Metal detectors to be installed in all Kindergarten schools – Eye scan also mandatory for all new students

-Brits propose Blair vacation in Baghdad – outside the green zone

-Bush follows Blair to Baghdad, detailed vacation itinerary available on White House web site

-North Korea launches 745^th missile test. US says no military intervention necessary

-Iran talks about its own missile test. US says pre-emptive strike on Iran by tomorrow

-Al Qaeda stop using the internet – FBI says “no fair!”

-Tragic! Britney Spears herself (accidentally) – celebrations held at The Olive Ream

-Nokia Launches new mobile phone 2880 Retro – first cell phone that is just a phone and does not include an MP3 player, a voice recorder, a camera, games and a Cuisinart.

-Hamas official sneezes – Israeli tanks move into southern Gaza

-John Bolton chokes on own mustache while trying to kiss himself

-Rumsfeld visits VA hospital in full security – still gets beaten up by in-patient veterans

-Dick Cheney accidentally shoots a bird while hunting for lawyers

-US military personnel arrest 47^th number 2 guy in Al Qaeda

-Department of Homeland Security change Threat Level to ‘High’ – based on DHS Secretary’s gut feeling

-Allen Dershowitz claims there are no Israeli lobbys influencing the US foreign policy – also claims sky is red

-Fox News officially syndicated by the Comedy Central Network. – declared as funniest show on the network

-Florida hit by 30^th Category 5 hurricane of the season – Bush say’s “what global warming?”

-US Poll: 37% students cannot identify US on a map. 63% cannot identify a map

-Bush requested by students to sketch the image of his brain – draws a blank

Non-existent WMDs found in Iraq. Hardly used. Looking for buyers specifically in Iran.

Unused conscience, available in pristine condition. The owners do not have any use for it.

Large amounts of faux, incriminating data, generic enough to be adaptable for use against any Middle Eastern country that possesses large of amounts of oil reserves or can accommodate multiple strategic military bases.

Large containers of mainstream media testicles collected over the course of the last 5 years.

Surplus amount of hypocrisy, available for anyone who might be interested.

A special deal on used ‘HIGH’ Threat Level Alerts available from Homeland Security Advisory Department. Procurement of a box of 10 ‘HIGH’ Threat Levels qualifies you to receive a ‘SEVERE’ Threat level for free.

Hunting Rifles and cartridges available for sale, as ‘undisclosed’ owner has recently given up hunting birds.

Large areas of untouched national park reserves available for sale to highest bidder. Comes with pre-approved drilling rights.

Extensively large collection of factual, documented evidence regarding global warming. Never been used.

The constitution. Obsolete piece of historical document of little relevance. Any offer will be entertained.

Priceless collection of Iraqi national treasures (of historical value apparently but any offer will be accepted).

Contract for management and logistics of election rigging (in US and abroad). Always on the look out for best offer.

Last remaining pieces of Human Rights still left over from last year’s sale. Already boxed up, shredded and ready to be used as refuse.

The War on Terror. Available for free for mass consumption. Comes with a variety phobias and fears for the general populace.

A lovely box set of the middle class and the poor. All proceeds to go to the foundation of the Repulsively Rich.

The Soul – (ALL SOLD OUT – SORRY!)

On the visit to India and Pakistan, avoid trying any spicy local food. Air Force One toilet still clogged up from my last trip to India in 2005. Remind Laura to give me Pepto Bismol after each meal, as a precaution.

Avoid all temptation to ask Doc. Manmohan to try on his turban. He didn’t like it the last time I asked.

Sign Nukular Deal with India. (Don’t forget to collect my copy of the accord). Remind Doc. Manmohan to send me keys to all of India’s civilian, and possibly military, nuclear facilites (so I can send my people to carry out inspections) as soon as we send nukular technology and fuel to India. Ask Condi, what this deal is all about – still don’t have a clue what it means!

Don’t forget to scare the pants of Doc. Manmohan on Iran’s nukular ambition. He must support the US when we go after Iran. There’s no flexibility on Iran’s nukular issue as India imagines. Ask Condi to back me up on this, as Doc. never believes what I am saying anyway.

Don’t forget to stop in Pakistan, and accidentally fly over Pakistan on the way back to Washington. Remind Air Force One pilot of the same.

Exchange pleasantries with Pres. Musharaf and his Mrs. Don’t show them copies of Danish Cartoons just because I think they are funny. Condi says the caricatures are blasphemous. Must look up the word ‘blasphemous’ in dictionary,…and the word ‘caricature’.

Don’t forget to give Pervez, his ‘Bush meets Mush so Shush! – 2006 Tour’ T-shirt.

If Pres. Musharaf asks regarding the delivery of the promised F-16s, tell him that they are on their way like the last 40 times he has asked. Find out from Condi, if these are the ones we ended up using in Iraq when we were running short.

Give Pres. Musharaf a big hug for being such a good ally on my war on terror. Tell him to find some more Al Qaeda number 2s for us to hunt down, before we bomb the crap out another wrong target (killing innocent civilians) due to CIA’s flawed guess work.

Give a ‘heads-up’ to Musharaf regarding Iran, and remind him that we might use Pakistan’s airspace during the planned attack so please don’t target any of our jets, as they might be carrying tactical nukular weapons, and shooting them down would create hell of mess for both our countries.

Remind Pres. Musharaf not to invite Cheney for his annual hunting expedition in Northern Pakistan. Dick is a bad shot, apparently.

Remind Pres. Musharaf not to worry about my recent and continuously sinking approval rating back in the US. 34% approval (as per CBS poll) is not bad as it matches my IQ!

Ask Condi if we can avoid our stop in Afghanistan. I am already feeling homesick.