the olive ream

I receive about on average of 17 million ‘business proposal’ emails every week. I finally replied to one of them because I thought it was deserving of a response. Below is the actual email and my response to it.

Miss Cleo, please see answers/comments [in bold.]

From Miss Joy Cleo
Abidjan Cote D’ Ivoire
EMAIL; xxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.fr

Dearly Beloved, […we are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman, in the holy bond of matrimony?]

Thanks for your reply. [You're most welcome, although I never emailed you before but I'm sure you consider that fact irrelevant]. Based on your profile I am happy to request for your assistance [and what profile would that be exactly; my profile on the Sad Gits Unsolicited Email Group or my profile on the Suckers Anonymous Forum?] and also to go into business partnership with you. [oh?! and here I thought you emailed me because you loved me…sigh!] I believe that you will not betrayed my trust which I am going to lay on you. [Good heavens, no! Me? Betray(ed) your trust? Never! Lay it on me thick, fast and in copiously large quantities.]

I am Miss Joy Cleo, 23years old [Really?! Judging by the content of this email, I am guessing that you're a fat, balding, 47 year old sleaze bag con artist] and the daughter of my parents. [How fortunate you are not to be a daughter of someone else's parents – that would be a real bummer I should imagine.] My father was a highly reputable magnet-[Would that be a fridge magnet or a babe magnet?] who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. [And where did he operate during his nights?] It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in one of his business trips abroad. [It is even sadder for me to say that I am sorry about his ambiguous demise.]

But God knows the truth! [Indeed, He does, hallelujah!] My mother died when I was just 5 years old [Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Was it a mysterious death?] and since then my father took me so special. [My father only took me to Disneyland] Before his death on February 15th 2004 he called the secretary [would that be the Secretary of the Treasury?] who accompanied him to the hospital [how fortunate that your father managed to have company around for his 'mysterious' death at the hospital] and told him that he has the sum of Twelve Million five hundreds thousand United State Dollars.(USD$12 500 000) left in a security company in a metallic trunk box, but the security company didn’t know the contents because it was registered as family treasure and valuables items for security reasons. [Yes, I can understand the words 'family treasure and valuables items' can be a deceptively vague description for prospective thieves, as most likely they thought it contained gerbil food and dog biscuits.]

I am a university graduate [as apparent by the eloquence of your email] and really don’t know what to do. [Don't worry, most graduates are clueless]. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incest political crisis here in Ivory coast. [I was aware of the political corruption and turmoil but sexual relations with your relatives is certainly news to me]. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. [No doubt, but I'm sure the news of the whopping bags of cash, in metal box he left for you, must have brought you some amount of joy.] Sir, I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. For you to assist me in this transaction i will offer you %25 percent of the totall sum. [Make it 65%, plus I'll take the extra 'L' in 'totall' and you've got yourself a deal.]

Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. [Well then, you can start by printing out this reply on a piece of sandpaper, crumpling it up and neatly inserting it in the orifice located on your backside. Once this task is completed, bang your head against a brick wall 7 times and then commit yourself at the nearest mental institution.]

Please if you have any question to ask me do not delay to contact me on my above email address. [Would you take it amiss, if I told you to drop dead?... in a mysterious sort of way of course] I await your urgent response as soon as possible. [Sod off!]

Thanks and best regards. [love and kisses]

Miss Joy Cleo

The HOW TO & The WHY NOTs of Writing A Succesful Blog Post:

I shall not be writing about my favourite song, my favourite colour or my preference for street luge in heavy traffic as an olympic event. I shall not be disclosing any secrets, prophetic revelations, half-truths or gargantuan lies about myself either. The purpose of this post is to help the uninitiated, the down-trodden bloggers of this copiously cruel cyber world who may occasionally be lost for words for meaningful content and suffer an acute case of blogger’s block.

This article details the disparate parts needed to form a successful blog post so if you are looking for something interesting to read this might (not) turn out to be your cup of double de-caf, half-caf java.

The key is the process of writing itself. If you can type an adequate amount of nonsensical drivel to fill about 8 lines of your post, you’ve already achieved ninety percent what needs to be done.

An important factor towards this aim, is to ensure that no profundity seeps in accidentally within your incoherent diatribe. The writing should be innocuous enough not to result in a comment from an accidental reader.

For narcissists seeking attention, add titles for your post such asAttack on Iran, Israeli Nuclear Weapons, American Imperialism and most importantly, Midget Ménage à Trois. This will ensure the requisite audience of perverts and intelligence agencies (which in most cases are one and the same) flag your site for permanent review.

Pictures can be utilized to fill the space but shall be abstract yet repulsive enough to cause the uninvited peruser to violently purge the contents of his/her last meal.

If you crave the need to add a little profanity into the mix of your muddled textual tirade, avoid the most commonly used forms of obscenities. Alternatives such as “huge, wobbly, dangly ones” or “baggy bit of sausage” should be opted for. No frame of reference should be given for the use of either of these two options.

Finally, ensure that your post ends without actually completing the sent…

Don’t Block the Blog (DBTB) is happy to announce to the Pakistani bloggers that some serious progress has been made during the last few of days regarding the internet censorship (blogspot ban ) issue in Pakistan.

Google Inc.’s key representative (Policy Analyst) has been in direct contact with DBTB members in reference to the blogspot ban. We were informed that Google has been closely following the activities of DBTB and our efforts to address the issue of the blanket ban, and it strongly supports the cause of the Pakistani bloggers.

During the exchange of emails, Omer Alvie provided a detailed picture on the history of the ban, along with highlighting the collective efforts of DBTB and Pakistani bloggers to fight this unfair blanket ban. Additionally, the serious problems regarding the new version of Blogger.com were also highlighted, along with requesting a more direct and concrete support from Google in helping resolve the current blogspot censorship issue and providing continued support for the cause of free speech in Pakistan.

In reference to our request and direct communication with Google, DBTB was contacted by the appointed representative of Google in Pakistan. Dr. Awab Alvi had a detailed meeting with the representative reiterating the need to address the Pakistani bloggers’ concerns regarding the blanket ban with the appropriate government authorities. DBTB was informed that a direct meeting with the Ministry of Information and Technology has been set up for Monday the 19th of February, in which the Google (Pak) representative will force this issue to light and hopefully work towards resolving the unfair blanket ban issue once and for all.

In addition, Dr. Awab also reminded the Google Representative, that in the meantime, it would best to get direct involvement from Google in configuring the pkblogs and inblogs proxy servers to be better at handling the recent upgrade to the new blogger version.

Although the DBTB team remains optimistic with the recent developments and the direct involvement of Google Inc. to help resolve the blanket ban issue, we are also aware of the political machinations within our government which could mean that the process for a permanent resolution to the ban problem will be a slow one.

We at DBTB stand determined to continue our efforts in this regard, and hope to update you as soon as we are informed of any concrete solutions or resolutions to the blog censorship issue.
——

Update 21st February: Unfortunately, the proposed meeting of the Google Rep and the government representative did not take place as scheduled. Still, I remain cautiously optimistic about Google’s offer to help even if it is for no other reason than just to be positive .

Google has committed itself by claiming that they are willing and able to help our cause. Time will be the best judge of their performance. Let’s see if they are, or are not able to provide concrete solutions to solve the blogspot ban issue. What I can assure you of is that we at DBTB will continue to follow up with Google to check up on their progress and remind them of their commitment us.

In the meantime, we continue our work to source our own solutions to the problem and will continue highlighting the issue of the blanket ban, along with promoting the issue of free speech on the internet in general.

After the release of the last Don’t Block The Blog (DBTB) Press Alert, I’ve been in discussion with several Pakistan based bloggers regarding the problems they are facing accessing specific blogging platforms and blogs in general. While Teeth Maestro expertly continues to source technical solutions to the problem, I’ve been updating with various international (free speech) organizations regarding the blogging problem in Pakistan. The most prominent of these Reporters Sans Frontières (RSF), also known as Reporters Without Borders, has been fighting for the protection of journalists and free speech in general for the past 22 years. RSF strongly supports and continues to fight for the rights of all international bloggers.

I have been fortunate enough to be in communication with RSF from the start of DBTB. In my recent discussion with Mr. Julien Pain (Head of the Internet Freedom Desk at RSF), we were both in agreement that the blanket ban was not just an a strong interference for Pakistani bloggers but may actually turn into a deterrence where some bloggers might just get fed up with the problems with the accessing their blogs and give up blogging altogether. We cannot allow this to happen. With that concern in mind I have a small reminder for blogspot domain bloggers to please source alternate solutions for hosting your blog. Launch a new blog on typepad, wordpress or livejournal, until such time when a concrete solution is provided to you for accessing your blogspot blog so you can permanently transfer all your old posts to your new blog. The point is to continue blogging and invite others to blog. I realize that there are no guarantees with either of these other blog solutions but it is most likely to be better than blogspot.

To additionally encourage Pakistani bloggers to exercise the right to free speech, DBTB would like to announce a small writing competition which for Pakistan based bloggers. RSF which provides a paid solution for prominent political and social bloggers to host their blogs at the RSF blogging platform, has decided to award a free blog, on my behest, to the winner of this competition. The topic for the writing competition will obviously will have to do with free speech. The formal announcement and rules of the competition will soon be highlighted on DBTB blog, Bloggers.Pakistan, and the respective blogs of the DBTB team members.

What is the advantage of (winning and) owning a blog at rsf.org?

- Your blog will be associated with an NGO that defends press freedom and the rights of bloggers and journalists.
- Your address will be myblog.rsfblog.org
- You can contact others in the rsfblog community, people who know about and are interested in what’s happening on the other side of the world and care about human rights
- What you post may be picked up on the front page of “Looking at the world through Blogs,” a website that reviews what bloggers everywhere are doing.
- Your details will remain totally confidential. Unlike hosts such as Yahoo! or Google, who in the past have worked with authorities in repressive countries by providing private information.
- This blog is the least likely to cause you problems as it is a paid service platform and should provide you the requisite support technically and in support of your free speech.
- It is just one of the ‘coolest’ blog addresses to have on the internet!

That’s all for now but I hope to bring you more DBTB updates and hopefully some concrete solutions to the Pakistan blogging ban issue.

I can’t explain the current situation any better than this:

Free speech is a global issue…so get involved and stay informed.

Dear Friends,

Please take the time to read this through to the end. It can save a life!

Little Cherry Mopotu was born in Adis Abbaba, the capital of Ethopia. She was abandoned by her birth parents and left to the care of community church. At the age of 4, she was legally adopted by an American couple, Mark and Wendy Kawalski in March of 2002. After much paper work and red tape, she was finally taken back to Kawalski’s family home in Columbus, Ohio. Little Cherry’s first few years with her adopted family were wonderful. Her new parents gave her all the love, care and attention that she richly deserved.

Two days after her 8th birthday, Cherry (lovingly called ‘Angel’ by her adopted parents), was taken for a routine medical check-up with her pediatrician. It was then that they discovered that Angel was afflicted by a rare, African strain of Spinocerebellar Forwardacrapia, a horrible malady that causes one to have an uncontrollable urge to forward insidiously rancid and horrid chain email letters to as many personal and impersonal contacts as possible.

Angel’s goal before she is terminally and permanently destroyed by this horrible disease by the age of 17, is to collect as many E-greeting cards as possible. Her project is being sponsored by Make-A-Wish-Before-You-Croak-Foundation, who will add a penny to the kitty for each greeting card received. Angel has decided that the money collected will not be used to treat her or to comfort her parents, but instead help someone else who is impoverished and desperately in need of help. She has therefore decided to gift all future donations to Save The Alien Foundation.

For those not aware of this campaign, please see the news story below as reported by the Associated Press.

Undeniable evidence of an entity of extra-terrestrial origin has been discovered in the state of North Dakota, USA. The head of what is likely an alien being was found in a region near the Killdeer Mountains, the limbs were discovered 10 miles north of the border of Little Missouri River in Badlands, and the torso which was dug up in Theodore Roosevelt National Park, had the strange alien markings/writing which were later translated to read, “I come in pieces!”

What does the above story have to do with Angel? Well, primarily it was made up by the author to fill up the space in this chain email letter to further infuriate the reader. Also, Angel would like to donate the funds to go to the project of the Restoration of the Alien. She hopes that he can be put back together, and she can eventually leave with the alien when he returns back to his planet and leave us all the f*#k alone!

And to all those readers who practice the fine art of chain-email letter forwarding, please take this quiz, and then grow the hell up! (thank you)

Now go forward the link to this post to everyone you know – your family members, friends, colleagues, neighbours, pets, large farm animals and the Albanians.

I think I have delayed writing about this subject long enough; even procrastination is beginning to think I am over doing it with the ‘laziness’ bit. So here is how it all happened….

Flashback (Swirly visual effects accompanied by ‘doo roo roo roo’ sound-fxs)

It was the winter of my discontent, and I was enjoying my evening constitution of sulking about the house, playing with my favourite piece of string, when I was interrupted by an email from the South Asia Editor of Global Voices Online. It said, ” Pay attention, I shall write this only once. Are you aware that blogspot.com blogs cannot be viewed in Pakistan? I want you to contact your sources in Pakistan, and find out why. Now drop your piece of string and get to work! This email will self destruct in 2 seconds.” No, wait! I am still in the middle of reading your ema..BANG!

I quickly sprung in to action; took a shower, made myself a sandwich, went shopping and trimmed the hedges. Then I realized I forgot to email my contacts. “Oh fudge!” I expeditiously sent out a message to my blogger group: “BLOGSPOT.COM BLOGS NOT VIEWABLE IN PAKISTAN [STOP] CAN YOU CONFIRM [STOP] MUST FIND OUT THE REAL REASON FOR THE BLOCK SO DON’T [STOP] UNTIL YOU FIND OUT THE CAUSE [STOP]”

Over the next 24 hours, I received several reasons for the blockade, which are listed as follows:
-Bush visit to Pakistan
-Blogger.com suffering from technical glitch
-Martians taking over cyber space
-Controversial cartoons considered blasphemous are being blocked by the Pakistan authorities and a blanket ban has been applied to the blogspot.com domain by the ISPs who are in fear of being prosecuted by the government for not abiding by the regulations set by the Pakistan Telecommunications Authority (PTA).

Needless to say, all were likely possibilities for the ban except for one. The ‘cartoon controversy’ sounded totally ridiculous!

The news finally hit a few news sites (and the Martians were lambasted for the screw up). I was deeply upset by this unfair ban. The massively large number of Pakistani fans of my blog were inconsolable, as they could not view my site. Yes, both of them were grief-stricken (and still remain in mourning).

I had to do something and quick, to protest this injustice. So I went out for dinner with my wife. Upon my return, I contacted an old blogger compadre, Dr. Awab (of the Teeth Maestro fame) and we mutually, synchronistically and surreptitiously decided to launch the DON’T BLOCK THE BLOG campaign.

With our campaign page propped up within nano-seconds, we (Awab and I) hit the internet highway in my trusted rickhaw (with a nameplate that says, ‘BLOCK THIS!’).

Within a course of the next 48 hours, 23 minutes and 8.6 seconds we had spread the word about the ban far and wide (within a cyber parameter of an eight mile radius). As a result, our efforts were covered by main, alternative and obscure stream news sites (the links to those news items can be found on the campaign page – plug, plug).

So far the blanket ban on blogspot.com web logs has not been lifted but I continue to fight for the cause I believe in – the freedom of blogs from Martian attacks.

————-
(On a serious) Note:

So far, I’ve kept silent about my own personal opinions about the free speech issue and have let the DONT BLOCK THE BLOG campaign speak for itself. But I believe it is time to set the record straight as to my point of view.

The controversial cartoons in questions are offensive. In Pakistan, as in many other (Muslim) countries they qualify as blasphemous, so no big surprise there.

These cartoons to me as a Muslim are offensive and various other disagreeable adjectives but I never asked for them to be banned. It would be extremely naïve and juvenile to believe that purpose of the re-printing of these cartoons was only an exercise in the ‘freedom of speech’. These distasteful caricatures were meant to incite hatred, fear or derision of a specific religion and were specifically printed and re-printed for that purpose, considering the current global political climate.

I also believe that the resulting protests against these cartoons went way beyond insanity. It became a field day for nutters and political party morons to exploit the issue, and go on rampage; burning effigies and breaking windows which inturn led to riots that resulted in the burning of buildings and the murder of innocent people.

The recent ban on blogspot.com blogs is unfair because it is a blanket ban. Because of a few offensive sites, the authorities in Pakistan have blocked out so many other blogs that were actually protesting the cartoons. By that logic, the authorities could block the entire net because they are blasphemous writings and illustration on multiple web sites through out the internet.

I am a realist, and I realize that it is very unlikely that the government is going to lift the ban on the offensive sites that are considered blasphemous. And let me be honest here, I don’t give a jot about the banned sites (listed on the PTA letter)…just couldn’t be buggered because they serve no other purpose than highlighting a racist point of view. I qualify them in the same group as a KKK web site, no matter how much they cover themselves under the ‘freedom of speech’ blanket. Any web site or blog that ridicules a religion or a race of people gets my vote for ‘lower than bug excrement’.

For those who believe that I should be fighting for the 12 banned sites listed on the PTA letter I say I would rather concentrate my efforts towards unblocking the millions of blogspot.com blogs that aren’t on the list. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you start your own campaign to fight for the 12 banned sites, and please be sure to include the freedom of speech of all holocaust revisionists , all KKK/white supremacist web sites, along with all the sites promoting Al Qaeda drivel. Got that?!

(The views expressed above are my own and do not reflect those of my co-founder of DON’T BLOCK THE BLOG campaign, Dr. Awab Alvi).