the olive ream

The US Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is setting up its new HQ in a former lunatic Asylum. The move seems rather appropriate as most of the DHS senior management happen to be former residents of the institution anyway….. or so it seems to me. Anyhow, I’m sure they shall all feel right at home.

Scientists create a sheep that is 15% human. Professor Esmail Zanjani, of the University of Nevada, has spent the past 7 years and five million pounds perfecting the technique. The Republican Party has declared the sheep as their official presidential candidate for the elections of 2008, as it possesses the same biological make-up as the current president of the United States, (although they do admit that the sheep possesses a higher IQ).

Israeli officer sells weapons to terrorists in Iraq. The Iraqi sources announced earlier that terrorist attacks in Iraq were backed by the intelligence agencies of CIA and Mossad and the secret agents of Iraqi former regime. They also declared that the sky is blue and the grass is green. The Iraqi sources possess an uncanny knack for pointing out the obvious.

Name that war – Your chance to rewrite Israeli history. A ministerial committee met recently, in essence, to declare war. Eight months in arrears. Apparently Ehud Olmert, apart from all his other screw-ups, also forgot to officially declare war last July. The first Lebanon war was classified ‘Operation Peace for Galilee’, so they’ve decided to call this one ‘Operation Massively Underestimate Hezbollah And Suffer A Humiliating Ass Kicking That The Whole World Collectively Laughs At’.

Cadets express unwillingness to remember the holocaust. The Berliner Zeitung reported that an entire class of German police cadets expressed their unwillingness to remember the Holocaust, during a compulsory class that dealt with the Nazi regime. Well, it finally happened, repetition, reminders, reiteration of the holocaust topic has finally resulted in a group finally becoming indifferent to the issue. As punishment, all cadets have had to have their foreheads tattooed with the words, “Ask me about the holocaust – you know you want to!”

US can’t account for 600,000 fugitives. Teams assigned to make sure foreigners ordered out of the United States actually leave have a backlog of more than 600,000 cases and can’t accurately account for the fugitives’ whereabouts, the government reported Monday. Representative of the DHS said, “We’re pretty sure they are all harmless, and the public should not be concerned about these fugitives. Besides, we haven’t got time with all the illegal spying we have to do on the general populace to ensure we track and silence all voices of dissent.”

Cheney funds Al Qaeda and no one cares. Seymour Hersh’s recent report that Iran-Contra veterans working out of Dick Cheney’s office are using stolen funds from Iraq to arm al Qaeda-tied groups and foment a larger Sunni-Shia war is a big deal. Fox News Anchor responded by saying, “No, it is not! Britney Spears shaving her head, now that IS a big deal!”

Rice urges Egypt to reform its Democracy. “I’ve made my concerns known, as well as my hopes, for continued reform here in Egypt,” Rice told a news conference. Condeelaza Rice is the Secretary of State of the United States. The same United States responsible for promoting democracy in Guantanamo Bay, the Abu Ghraib prison, CIA rendition cells, etc. Upon hearing the comment from Rice, Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak said, “I laughed so hard, a little pee came out.”

14 year old sentenced to 7 years for shoving a school hall monitor. “I am a 14-year-old black freshman who shoved a hall monitor at Paris High School in a dispute over entering the building before the school day had officially begun and was sentenced to 7 years in prison.” The sentence was the decision of the Lamar County judge Chuck Superville. Chuck also warned future offenders that, “sneezing will get you 5 years, and breaking wind in the general direction of a public servant will warrant a sentence of 9 years in a federal penitentiary.”

Americans don’t mind torture. To the amazement of the audience, (Senator) Graham said, with a twinkle in his eye, that “Americans don’t mind torture, they really don’t.” Asked to justify his claim, Senator Graham replied, “Of course they don’t mind torture, they’ve been watching Fox News for years!”

The former chief of staff of V.P. Dick, Irve Lewis “Scooter” Libby was convicted of obstruction of justice, perjury, lying to the FBI and possessing one of the stupidest names in history for a former White House official. The verdict came after 10 days of deliberation after the jury finally stopped laughing at his name.

As expected and predicted by many, Libby took the fall for Karl Rove, who is believed to be actually responsible for outing the identity of Valerie Plame, a CIA operative. Prez Bush cannot be held responsible for the leak, other than the one he made in his pants when he heard the verdict.

Special Prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald made it clear that he will not be pursuing this investigation of this leak case any further, as it obviously will lead directly to the VP, and he cannot risk losing his testicles for the sake of the truth.

So there you have it – justice served! The President and Vice President continue to lie blatantly to the world at every available opportunity and old man ‘Scooter” is going to jail for obstruction of justice, perjury and lying. Had Fitzgerald prosecuted others in DC for the same crime, it is believed that all the members of the House and the Congress would be behind bars… and I am not talking about the ones they frequent for their regular evenings of debauchery.

Queue jumpers, road huggers, accident causing speed freaks
Uniformed fashion followers and trend setting creeps
Social climbers, spotlight seekers and the so-called elites
Teenage groupies at over-priced events and VIP seats

Over-rated night clubs with bouncers at the door
Millionaire celebrities fighting for the poor
Reality TV, celebrity shrinks and self-improvement shows
Televangelists, tabloid talk and Fox News network lows

Politicians, spin doctors, lobbyists and think tanks
Cartels, defense contractors and the federal reserve banks
Pill pushers, pharmaceuticals and insurance scams
Demagogues and devotees and their propagandist shams

Mergers, acquisitions, privatization and oil peaks
G8 leaders, super power sycophants and the imperialist geeks
Proxy wars, covert ops and the terrorism it seeds
Unilateral, nuclear attack and the faux intelligence it needs

Silence, apathy, and disquieting disbelief
Embedded reporters, sold-out media and lies that deceive
Al Qaeda threats, Red Alerts and ‘insiders’ that leak
Kidnapping, detention and torturing of the meek

Bullshitting, ethnocentric, self-righteous bores
Extremists, fascists and know-it-all whores
Honour killers, child abusers, rapists and pimps
Everyday the same old bullies tripping up the gimps

The HOW TO & The WHY NOTs of Writing A Succesful Blog Post:

I shall not be writing about my favourite song, my favourite colour or my preference for street luge in heavy traffic as an olympic event. I shall not be disclosing any secrets, prophetic revelations, half-truths or gargantuan lies about myself either. The purpose of this post is to help the uninitiated, the down-trodden bloggers of this copiously cruel cyber world who may occasionally be lost for words for meaningful content and suffer an acute case of blogger’s block.

This article details the disparate parts needed to form a successful blog post so if you are looking for something interesting to read this might (not) turn out to be your cup of double de-caf, half-caf java.

The key is the process of writing itself. If you can type an adequate amount of nonsensical drivel to fill about 8 lines of your post, you’ve already achieved ninety percent what needs to be done.

An important factor towards this aim, is to ensure that no profundity seeps in accidentally within your incoherent diatribe. The writing should be innocuous enough not to result in a comment from an accidental reader.

For narcissists seeking attention, add titles for your post such asAttack on Iran, Israeli Nuclear Weapons, American Imperialism and most importantly, Midget Ménage à Trois. This will ensure the requisite audience of perverts and intelligence agencies (which in most cases are one and the same) flag your site for permanent review.

Pictures can be utilized to fill the space but shall be abstract yet repulsive enough to cause the uninvited peruser to violently purge the contents of his/her last meal.

If you crave the need to add a little profanity into the mix of your muddled textual tirade, avoid the most commonly used forms of obscenities. Alternatives such as “huge, wobbly, dangly ones” or “baggy bit of sausage” should be opted for. No frame of reference should be given for the use of either of these two options.

Finally, ensure that your post ends without actually completing the sent…

You may not want to read this because it is very likely that this post will not make any sense and will probably end up sounding like a State of the Union address; full of contradictions, lies and a whole lot of condescending diatribe. If that hasn’t frightened you off yet then read on.

I am about to attempt an experiment in writing. The idea here is to start writing without having the foggiest notion of what to write about. I don’t even know what the next sentence is going to be. Some of you might claim that this is how I usually write my posts and if you think that then you are totally, utterly and unequivocally half-right. Usually, I have some idea in my head what the post will be about.but this time I haven’t a clue. I feel like George Bush.

There you go, I just decided to start a new paragraph without any forethought. It was just that spur of the moment thing to jump to the next alternate line rather than a grammatical consideration. So far this has been fun but I wonder how this will all turn out in the end. I just think I ought to change to a completely different topic rather than continue writing about what I am currently doing because it is beginning to bore me more than just a bit.

Now this new paragraph has a specific purpose as I am about to change the topic drastically. I still don’t know what it will be and I am on tenterhooks myself. A dick and a bush in the white house and we all get screwed. This is not an original line as I wrote this in an old post but why did I think of this right now? Perhaps because the television is on in the background and I can hear the news headlines, which automatically made me think of the minions of the anti-christ hell bent on destroying the earth. Do you know what COMPLAN 8022 is? I won’t provide you any reference links here so you’ll have to do your own search on the net to get the details but basically it is the US Nuclear First Strike doctrine which is now operational. Imagine for a moment, the use of mini nukes i.e. tactical nuclear weapons to attack nuclear facilities in Iran. Does anyone else see the lunacy of the plan? … or am I the only one here being paranoid? I think it might be time to change topic again because I’m beginning to piss myself off thinking about the fascists in power.

So how much does Oprah earn anyway? No! Let me not start up on her right now, as I could fill up another post with the reasons of why I don’t like her. And no, it does not have to do with how much money she has. It has to do with how much I don’t have. No, that is not true either (entirely) but I will reveal the real reasons for why I despise her in another post.

Reality Television. Eeeaaccchhhhhhhhhh Thoooooooooo!!! That pretty much covers my views on that so let’s move on to something else. Such expensive and elaborate videos to peddle such excruciatingly tasteless music – that’s MTV for you. I think my train of thought has derailed because the television is so loud it is distracting me. But then again this post has no purpose other than the experiment I am conducting at the moment, so the content of this post can be absolute drivel (which it is) and it would not matter. Hey! I just figured out why MTV works.

I’ve just decided that this shall be the last paragraph of this useless post. Why? Because I think I’d rather be reading a book. And also because the experiment has been successful as I’ve managed to produce more meaningful content in this post than most of the blogs on the net. Oooh! I’m pretty full of myself today…but then again when am I not?.

Are you in the mood for a Julie Andrews song? Well I am not, so you’ll just have to settle for this:

Sung to the tune of My favourite Things

Bomb drops on ‘targets’ and suicide bombing the masses
Imperialist dogma and alleged sectarian clashes
Anthrax laced packages tied up with strings
These aren’t a few of my favorite things
Sold out mainstream media and brain dead sheeple
Kidnapping and detention and ‘rendition’ of people
Fascists that think they are leaders or kings
These aren’t a few of my favorite things
Skinheads in white robes with swastika sashes
Govt. cameras that continuously spy on the masses
Manufactured intelligence and the invasion it brings
These aren’t a few of my favorite things
Again they talk war, again they sell fear, and I think “what the f*#k?”
Now there’s no use hiding in a bunker but I wish us all good luck!

[rinse and repeat]

From Bush To Ahmedinejad

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Before next valentine,
I’m bombing you.

From Ahmedinejad to Bush:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
As soon as your term is over,
the ICC is coming after you.

From War On Terror to Terrorism

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You can’t do without me
and I can’t do with you.

From Ossama to Bush:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m going straight to hell,
and there’s a place reserved for you too!

From Hillary Clinton to Israel

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If Bush won’t attack Iran,
Make me win in ’08, I’ll do it for you!

From Al Gore to the Bush Administration

Roses are red,
Voilets are blue,
Global warming is real,
Get ready for Katrina II.

From the Bloggers to the Mainstream media

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re not doing your job,
So we’re doing it for you.

From the Public to the Imperialists bastards and the Terrorists gits

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We abhor your existence because you always end up murdering innocent people, you coward pieces of Yak excrement. You are both too stupid to realize that your ideologies are flawed and you will never win! And we realize that this one does not rhyme and in fact this whole post is lame but the author couldn’t be buggered and he hates this bloody generic, commercially sponsored, card-giving, chocolate-eating valentine’s day anyway!

Dear Friends,

Please take the time to read this through to the end. It can save a life!

Little Cherry Mopotu was born in Adis Abbaba, the capital of Ethopia. She was abandoned by her birth parents and left to the care of community church. At the age of 4, she was legally adopted by an American couple, Mark and Wendy Kawalski in March of 2002. After much paper work and red tape, she was finally taken back to Kawalski’s family home in Columbus, Ohio. Little Cherry’s first few years with her adopted family were wonderful. Her new parents gave her all the love, care and attention that she richly deserved.

Two days after her 8th birthday, Cherry (lovingly called ‘Angel’ by her adopted parents), was taken for a routine medical check-up with her pediatrician. It was then that they discovered that Angel was afflicted by a rare, African strain of Spinocerebellar Forwardacrapia, a horrible malady that causes one to have an uncontrollable urge to forward insidiously rancid and horrid chain email letters to as many personal and impersonal contacts as possible.

Angel’s goal before she is terminally and permanently destroyed by this horrible disease by the age of 17, is to collect as many E-greeting cards as possible. Her project is being sponsored by Make-A-Wish-Before-You-Croak-Foundation, who will add a penny to the kitty for each greeting card received. Angel has decided that the money collected will not be used to treat her or to comfort her parents, but instead help someone else who is impoverished and desperately in need of help. She has therefore decided to gift all future donations to Save The Alien Foundation.

For those not aware of this campaign, please see the news story below as reported by the Associated Press.

Undeniable evidence of an entity of extra-terrestrial origin has been discovered in the state of North Dakota, USA. The head of what is likely an alien being was found in a region near the Killdeer Mountains, the limbs were discovered 10 miles north of the border of Little Missouri River in Badlands, and the torso which was dug up in Theodore Roosevelt National Park, had the strange alien markings/writing which were later translated to read, “I come in pieces!”

What does the above story have to do with Angel? Well, primarily it was made up by the author to fill up the space in this chain email letter to further infuriate the reader. Also, Angel would like to donate the funds to go to the project of the Restoration of the Alien. She hopes that he can be put back together, and she can eventually leave with the alien when he returns back to his planet and leave us all the f*#k alone!

And to all those readers who practice the fine art of chain-email letter forwarding, please take this quiz, and then grow the hell up! (thank you)

Now go forward the link to this post to everyone you know – your family members, friends, colleagues, neighbours, pets, large farm animals and the Albanians.

On my recent trip to Lahore and Karachi, I noticed a lot of bill hoardings advertising products which most people don’t want, like or need. Instead, I suggest the following billboards should be placed around the cities to highlight what is deserving of real attention.

Dangerous Babe – Sex ki shehzadi – Miro Jan

To: The Olive Ream, while you were out, your conscience called and left the following message.

You vacationing little git! How dare you leave on holiday with out me, leaving me here to stew in my own juices. Have you any idea what I’ve been going through? While you were gorging on sumptuous meals in fancy restaurants and maxing out your credit card on clothes you don’t need and art that you can’t afford (and don’t understand), I’ve been keeping track of things that you should have noticed while on holiday in Lahore. But I am not going to tell you any of those things, as you don’t deserve to know.

I am not going to tell you that not everyone that knocked on the car window at traffic signal was a beggar. Some of them were genuinely trying to sell you something (a news paper, a garland of flowers and incense sticks) and were generally more deserving than the wave of your hand to motion them to leave.

I am not going to tell you, that the waiter at Cooco’s Den was deserving of an additional tip because he was the only waiter there after the official closing time serving you and your friends on the roof top terrace (when the temperature was -2).

I am not going to mention that revulsion (and resulting hysterics) you should have suffered staring at the ubiquitous billboards with the image of the Punjab Chief Minister (and his ever-present constipated smile). Apparently, he is inaugurating or launching or promoting every new government initiative there is or ever likely to be in Lahore.

I am not going to tell you that you should have actually spent time admiring the architecture of the old buildings, rather than taking pictures of them like a Japanese tourist.

I am not going to mention that you should have spent more time talking to the students at NCA, rather than just admiring that art work. What an amazingly talented group of individuals they all are.

I am going to tell you that you should have spoken to the old man with the wheelbarrow collecting plastics bags that you saw every morning in Askari rather than to just photograph him.

I am not going to mention that you shouldn’t have laughed so much at the call to prayer by the tone-deaf muezzin at the Askari mosque, and his desperate attempts to sound in tune. (You will be going straight to hell for this one!)

I am not going to mention that you should have sourced the curator of the Lahore Museum and asked why a building that houses original Sadequain art work, is below freezing in temperature during the winter months. Is it an experiment in cryogenics to ensure posterity of the collection or an experiment in cryonics to ensure the posterity of the visitors to the museum?

And I am not even going to mention the international news that you missed out on while on vacation. With endless calls for exiting Iraq, Bush obliges by increasing the numbers of troops to be deployed to Iraq (naturally), which results in more deaths and chaos every day in that peace forsaken country, which leads to increase hostility in the region, which would result in moving forward the US/Israel plans to attack Iran, which would result in some insane Al Qaeda-labeled terrorist attack, which could possibly escalate to a nuclear war, and in turn cause even Paris Hilton to be concerned about more than just having a bad hair day. So, as far as international news is concerned, not much has changed while you were on vacation.