the olive ream

“I before E except after C” is a mnemonic device that helps me remember the rule for spelling certain words in the English language, such as deceive and siege when I’m describing the actions of the Bush Administration. There’s also a less known memory aid which I qualify as “I before SY when preceded by a ‘Hypo’ “. This writing standard helps formulate the word hypocrisy, which describes the current global, rather repugnant, political status quo.

Allow me to pontificate on the absurdity of their logic. A South Vietnamese student goes on a murderous rampage on a college campus and he is to be seen as ‘deranged psychopath’ (and rightly so). A neocon led army goes on a murderous rampage in sovereign nation and we are supposed to classify that as ’spreading peace and democracy’. That’s rather an absurd logic, don’t you think? Skewed so far off course, you can’t even see its connection to reality.

18 british sailors accused of spying, are detained for two weeks by Iranian authorities. They suffer severe torture for two strenuous weeks. Initially blindfolded and then isolated they are then further tormented by being well fed, given cigarette breaks, allowed to lounge around and play table tennis and board games, given new suits to wear and then finally released after receiving a gift bag each. We (the public) are then expected to sympathize with the tremendous suffering of these 18 admitted spies (according to the Sky News) who vacationed in Iran for a fortnight and then released to make money by selling their stories.

Along with the detention of the alleged Al Qaeda, Taliban and the frightfully dangerous Al Jazeera News channel reporter currently being held in indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay, there are unknown number of world citizenry who have been kidnapped and ‘renditioned’ by CIA or their approved proxy agents under the umbrella of ‘War on Terror’. There are no signs of their release or an end to their REAL torture (as apposed to what the british sailors suffered). Any one in the world can be classified an ‘enemy combatant’ and suffer indefinite detention and torture, but we are all expected to feel safe because the sanctimonious saviors of this world are busy fighting EVIL and we should not disturb them. Our only responsibility here is to acquiesce when they come to unlawfully abduct us. Apparently, the meek shall not be inheriting the earth. We were misinformed.

We are all expected to support the right of others to voice their opinions on politics, race, religion, culture, etc. in order to ensure our own right to free speech. We should also be tolerant of criticism and ridicule of our own faith, as we cannot expect everyone to conform to our own religious norms and tenets. (And yes, I am referring specifically to the case of the religious caricatures in the mainstream media which caused a furor in many countries. Geez! People really need to chill out if South Park lampoons Tom Cruise and Scientology.) This point is key if you truly believe in free speech and freedom of expression. BUT, what you cannot be allowed to do (currently in Germany and Austria and soon to be applied to the rest of the EU and even the US) is to deny, question or revise (the facts about) the Holocaust. This is the one and only free speech issue most of the western media and even some activists groups I imagine, are really truly afraid of touching. Can u imagine what would have happened had Salman Rushdie written a holocaust revisionist book instead of the Satanic Verses. The darling of the British media would be rotting in some European jail without any complaints from the English press. Personally, I do not deny the holocaust and I think what happened was horrific to say the least, and Hitler was completely off his trolley, BUT I don’t want any country that criminalizes the discussion, revision or denial of the holocaust to claim to be a complete supporter of free speech – ever! Because that is just a lorry load of horse excrement!

Religious extremist groups generally lack the ability to recognize their own hypocrisy when it comes to human rights. They desperately complain and start rioting if you don’t allow them to exercise their (self-anointed) privilege to infringe on the rights of others. They couldn’t spot the ‘irony’ if it came and bit them on their gluteus maximus. After much contemplation, I’ve come to the conclusion; it is pointless to argue with them because they lack the requisite amount of brain cells and having seven or eight will just not do. I’m sorry!

And of course, there’s the pretentious bunch of so called ‘professional’ media and broadcast journalists who routinely question the abilities of bloggers to tell the truth, while the same lot (CNN, New York Times, The Associated Press, UPI and many other agencies) ran propagandist disinformation news stories courtesy the Office of Strategic Influence (which should have been appropriately called Department of Shoveling Sh*t). All these news stories were uncorroborated but the media published them anyway. So the next time you (as a blogger) gets questioned by the likes of Wolf Blitzer from CNN, you have the right to attack his journalistic integrity by kneeing him in the groin.

And here’s something even more asinine:
- US = 10,000 nuclear warheads
- Israel = 100 plus nuclear warheads (conservative est.)
- Iran = 0 nuclear warheads (currently)
And guess who is being classified as the biggest threat to the world? I’m sure you know the answer to that one. They further claim that Ahmedinajad is actually what makes Iran more dangerous, which supposedly justifies their covert attempts (by CIA and Mossad) to bring regime change in Iran. Excuse me?! Has anyone considered the other two geniuses (Bush and Olmert) in question in this current political stand-off ? Surely, by all rational, logical and factual reasoning, a regime change is far more desperately needed in the US and Israel.

The truth is, like you, I am severely frustrated by this growing hypocrisy. It started as like a small pimple but now this uncontrollable blemish has blossomed into a festering boil on the backside of humanity. And who is to blame? The current crop of fascist leaders. And by the way, they don’t give a damn about any of this. If you questioned them now, Bush would show you the finger and Cheney would signal you as a “Loser”. Don’t believe me?

Here’s proof:

The US Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is setting up its new HQ in a former lunatic Asylum. The move seems rather appropriate as most of the DHS senior management happen to be former residents of the institution anyway….. or so it seems to me. Anyhow, I’m sure they shall all feel right at home.

Scientists create a sheep that is 15% human. Professor Esmail Zanjani, of the University of Nevada, has spent the past 7 years and five million pounds perfecting the technique. The Republican Party has declared the sheep as their official presidential candidate for the elections of 2008, as it possesses the same biological make-up as the current president of the United States, (although they do admit that the sheep possesses a higher IQ).

Israeli officer sells weapons to terrorists in Iraq. The Iraqi sources announced earlier that terrorist attacks in Iraq were backed by the intelligence agencies of CIA and Mossad and the secret agents of Iraqi former regime. They also declared that the sky is blue and the grass is green. The Iraqi sources possess an uncanny knack for pointing out the obvious.

Name that war – Your chance to rewrite Israeli history. A ministerial committee met recently, in essence, to declare war. Eight months in arrears. Apparently Ehud Olmert, apart from all his other screw-ups, also forgot to officially declare war last July. The first Lebanon war was classified ‘Operation Peace for Galilee’, so they’ve decided to call this one ‘Operation Massively Underestimate Hezbollah And Suffer A Humiliating Ass Kicking That The Whole World Collectively Laughs At’.

Cadets express unwillingness to remember the holocaust. The Berliner Zeitung reported that an entire class of German police cadets expressed their unwillingness to remember the Holocaust, during a compulsory class that dealt with the Nazi regime. Well, it finally happened, repetition, reminders, reiteration of the holocaust topic has finally resulted in a group finally becoming indifferent to the issue. As punishment, all cadets have had to have their foreheads tattooed with the words, “Ask me about the holocaust – you know you want to!”

US can’t account for 600,000 fugitives. Teams assigned to make sure foreigners ordered out of the United States actually leave have a backlog of more than 600,000 cases and can’t accurately account for the fugitives’ whereabouts, the government reported Monday. Representative of the DHS said, “We’re pretty sure they are all harmless, and the public should not be concerned about these fugitives. Besides, we haven’t got time with all the illegal spying we have to do on the general populace to ensure we track and silence all voices of dissent.”

Cheney funds Al Qaeda and no one cares. Seymour Hersh’s recent report that Iran-Contra veterans working out of Dick Cheney’s office are using stolen funds from Iraq to arm al Qaeda-tied groups and foment a larger Sunni-Shia war is a big deal. Fox News Anchor responded by saying, “No, it is not! Britney Spears shaving her head, now that IS a big deal!”

Rice urges Egypt to reform its Democracy. “I’ve made my concerns known, as well as my hopes, for continued reform here in Egypt,” Rice told a news conference. Condeelaza Rice is the Secretary of State of the United States. The same United States responsible for promoting democracy in Guantanamo Bay, the Abu Ghraib prison, CIA rendition cells, etc. Upon hearing the comment from Rice, Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak said, “I laughed so hard, a little pee came out.”

14 year old sentenced to 7 years for shoving a school hall monitor. “I am a 14-year-old black freshman who shoved a hall monitor at Paris High School in a dispute over entering the building before the school day had officially begun and was sentenced to 7 years in prison.” The sentence was the decision of the Lamar County judge Chuck Superville. Chuck also warned future offenders that, “sneezing will get you 5 years, and breaking wind in the general direction of a public servant will warrant a sentence of 9 years in a federal penitentiary.”

Americans don’t mind torture. To the amazement of the audience, (Senator) Graham said, with a twinkle in his eye, that “Americans don’t mind torture, they really don’t.” Asked to justify his claim, Senator Graham replied, “Of course they don’t mind torture, they’ve been watching Fox News for years!”

Are you in the mood for a Julie Andrews song? Well I am not, so you’ll just have to settle for this:

Sung to the tune of My favourite Things

Bomb drops on ‘targets’ and suicide bombing the masses
Imperialist dogma and alleged sectarian clashes
Anthrax laced packages tied up with strings
These aren’t a few of my favorite things
Sold out mainstream media and brain dead sheeple
Kidnapping and detention and ‘rendition’ of people
Fascists that think they are leaders or kings
These aren’t a few of my favorite things
Skinheads in white robes with swastika sashes
Govt. cameras that continuously spy on the masses
Manufactured intelligence and the invasion it brings
These aren’t a few of my favorite things
Again they talk war, again they sell fear, and I think “what the f*#k?”
Now there’s no use hiding in a bunker but I wish us all good luck!

[rinse and repeat]

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of War On Terror (WOT) and the Threat Of Terrorism (TOT) in the bonds of unholy matrimony. Let us call upon our insanity as we commemorate this union of two into one. For the sake of the Power, the Gun and the Fermented Spirit. Amen
Globalists, bless and consecrate WOT and TOT in their correlation and admiration for each other. May these rings signify their true interdependence of each other, and always remind us of their unholy communion.
In piece(s) let us pray.

Bilderbergers, hear our prayers for WOT and TOT who have come here today to be united in the sacrament of marriage. Increase their faith in avarice and in each other, and through them bless our Globalist agenda. Make their union fruitful so that they may be living witnesses to the complete annihilation of security and civil liberties in the world.
The powers that be have already consecrated you in fascism and now enriches and strengthens you by a special bond so that you may assume the duties of marriage of mutual and lasting infidelity towards the masses. And so, in the presence of the suffering public here present, I ask you to state your intentions.
WOT and TOT, have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?
WOT: Hell ya!
TOT: You betcha!

Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, with your hands joined and with the public’s tied behind their backs, declare your consent before your community of fellow Neocons and Extremists.
WOT, do you take TOT for your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for personal pleasure, for copious amounts of cash, for unbelievable amount of power, only in good health, until you both shall live or the end of the planet, whichever comes first.
WOT: I do.
TOT, do you take… oh bugger it! Same question.
TOT: I do.

You may now exchange the rings.
WOT: TOT, I give you this ring as a symbol of my woahs, oohs and aaahs and with all that I am and all that I have usurped from the public because of you, I honour you.
TOT: WOT, I give you this ring as a symbol of my let’s get it ons, ride me big boys and me love you long times and all that I am and all that I destroyed for the sake of our mutual benefit, I honour you.
Imperialist Father, keep them always true to your commandments. Keep them faithful in marriage and let them be primary examples of satan’s minions.
Our Authoritarian Father who aren’t in heaven (obviously), hollowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come (in the form of suspect terrorist threats and resulting military attacks on sovereign nations), thy won’t be done (on earth until you’ve sucked the last drop of oil and murdered a considerably large number of world’s population). Lead us into temptation but deliver us cash in only unmarked bills. Amen.
By the grace of Bush, I now, pronounce you as husband and wife.

You may now kiss my ass!

On behalf of Captain Bigot and the rest of our ethnocentric crew, I would like to welcome you all on our transcontinental flight from New York to Los Angeles.

Our estimated flying time for this flight is six hours but it is more likely that it will take 48 hours or more to get to our scheduled destination. This is because the Air Martial and our fearful crew are most likely going to spot some ’suspicious’ passengers exhibiting very ’suspect’ behavior during the course of this flight which will automatically result in stop-overs in various yet to-be-identified locations to ensure the forceful and involuntary disembarkation of said ’suspicious’ passengers. So we hope you will bear with us, and keep all future complaints to yourselves, or else you will be classified as a terror-suspect and get your ass kicked off the plane.

In keeping with latest travel security procedures issued by the FAA and the Department of Homeland Security, we would request all passengers to stay vigilant and alert of any strange behavior exhibited by any of your fellow passengers. As a guide the following list of oddities should be reported directly, by means of surreptitious wink, to a flight crew member:

-Passengers exchanging cell phones

-Passengers fiddling with their cell phones

-Passengers possessing cell phones

-Passengers talking too much

-Passengers talking too little

-Passengers appearing to be Arab-looking

-Passengers appearing to be Asian-looking

-Passengers possessing tanned or darker skin complexion

-Passengers wearing head gear

-Passengers not conversing in English

-Passengers sweating too much

-Passengers possessing beards

-Passenger stroking his beard

-Passenger twirling his moustache

-Passenger stroking someone else’s beard

-Passenger twirling someone else’s moustache

-Passengers frequenting the toilet

-Passengers pretending to be sleeping

-Passengers looking too happy

-Passengers looking too sad

-Passengers looking morose

-Passengers looking too calm

-Passengers staring out the windows

-Passengers eyeing other passengers or flight crew members

-Passengers praying

-Passengers reading

-Passengers staring into space

-Passengers traveling alone

-Passengers traveling with companions

-Basically, passengers possessing a pulse (or not)

Please also be informed that no beverages will be served on this flight, in case a passenger possess the knowledge to expertly mix drinks to create an extremely dangerous liquid explosive or to create a concoction that could result in uncontrollable flatulence which is equally dangerous.

As part of our additional safety measures, no plastic cutlery will be provided with your meal. In fact, no solid food will be served during flight, as the meal tray itself can be used as a weapon. As an alternate, feeding tubes will automatically drop from the overhead slot during meal times. The crew will assist you inserting into the correct orifice for your feeding pleasure.

Your in-flight entertainment includes, and are limited to, the Fox News Network’s documentaries: The 9-11 Commission Report, Terror Is All Around Us, and Iran: The Biggest Nuclear Threat - Ever!

And finally, all Asian and Arab looking passengers are requested to keep their hands above their heads for the duration of the flight.

We thank you for choosing Harassment Airways as your preferred carrier and we hope you enjoy this flight.

Bush: Tony, that was awesome! You pulled a fast one there, but you did a great job. Great plot thwarting, I am pretty impressed!

Blair: Thank you, your Holiness. Coming from you, it means a lot! Had I been there in person, I would requested your permission to kiss you on your royal cheek.

Bush: Aw, shucks… Really?

Blair: Certainly Sir, I would have planted a big, wet one right on your pious arse.

Bush: You spoil me Tony.

Olmert: Tony, congratulations on the success on faltering the terrorist plot.

Blair: Cheers, Ehud. Couldn’t have pulled it off without the help from your Mossad boys and the lads in the CIA. The whole thing was planned, sponsored, monitored and thwarted to perfection.

Bush: I am meaning to have my own here in the States.

Olmert: What?

Bush: A massive, texas-style thwarting of a major terrorist plot. Since Tony, has already used planes, I am thinking of using trains. And instead of liquid bombs, I am thinking of supplying my patsy group with garlic suppositories, and call it a chemical/biological attack. Thwarting such an attack will really drive up the Threat Level straight to RED.

Blair: Pure, utter genius, your lordship!

Olmert: Oh, man! I want to do that. My popularity is also taking a dive, with all the ass kicking Hezbollah is giving us.

Bush: No way, dude! You get your own terror threat thwarting ploy. It took me 8 months and 40 advisors to come up with this one. Plus E-hood, you gotta concentrate on targeting more civilians in Lebanon as you haven’t got much time left because some sort of real cease fire will eventually be agreed upon.

Olmert: Later rather than sooner, of course.

Bush: We’re doing our best.

Blair: So, when does the real one happen? You know the terrorist plot that we don’t thwart.

Bush: SHHHH!!! What are you, an idiot? Dick told me not to discuss this over the phone – even on a secure line.

Blair: Sorry, your mightiness, I thought it was safe for this type of chinwag.

Olmert: Tony, don’t worry you’ll get the heads up before it happens. Mossad will keep you in the loop.

Bush: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most righteous of holy wars that the world has ever seen.

Blair: To destroy the Islamic fascists?

Bush: No, to covet more personal power to save our collective asses. Dick keeps telling me we are in serious trouble. He told me that people ain’t buying our version of 9-11. I thought we sold it pretty good. But apparently, this shit about an independent investigation of 9-11 is about to spill over to the mainstream.

Blair: Same here in Britain.

Bush: So in order to secure our own backsides, we will be going after our biggest enemy; the people. Because gentlemen, truth is something we can all ill afford. Condi told me to say that! She uses that a lot in conversations in the White House.

Blair: So, we shall discuss this in our next private meeting?

Bush: Does a bear shit in the woods?

Blair: Alright, thank you Mr. President, and good night. See, you Ehud!

Olmert: Sieg Heil!

Bush: What?!

Olmert: Uh…I meant, good bye.

AIRCRAFT BOMB PLOT

LONDON - British authorities thwarted a terrorist plot to blow up several aircraft mid-flight between the United States and Britain using explosives smuggled in hand luggage, officials said Thursday.

Britain’s Home Secretary John Reid said the alleged plot was “significant” and that terrorists aimed to “bring down a number of aircraft through mid-flight explosions, causing a considerable loss of life.”

—
MI5 has raised Britain’s threat level to critical and the Department of Homeland Security (USA) has also upgraded their threat assessment to the highest level. Following is the combined statement issued by MI5 and the DHS:

“BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID.

THIS PLOT WAS INTENDED TO BE MASS MURDER AT UNIMAGINEABLE SCALE!

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID.

THANK YOU.”

—
Also, have a look at this!

I was asked by the Opinions Editor of Gulf News, to provide a brief comment on what Bloggers have to say regarding the death of Abu Musab Al-zarqawi. Below is my reply, which incidently made the front page of today’s Gulf News accompanying a breaking story questioning the circumstances of Al-zarqawi’s death. Unfortunately, there’s no online link to my comments on the Gulf News site, so you will have just have to take my word for it that it appeared on the front page OR buy yourself a copy of today’s Gulf News. Following is my opinion piece in full, which was further edited due to space constraints (or so I assume) on the front page of GN.

Bloggers Doubt Veracity of official Version

The Blogging world is a buzz again with the recent news of the death of Abu Mussab Al-zarqawi. As is the norm in the blogging community, the official version of any prominent event has to be scrutinized for validity and truth. As a result, a lot of questions have cropped regarding the official version of Al-zarqawi’s demise.

According to CNN website, “Al-Zarqawi was alive when US troops reached the mortally wounded terrorist leader after a US bombing raid”. Now, although none of the bloggers are mourning the death of Al Zarqawi (at least none of the sane ones), some have highlighted interesting questions regarding the official story of the bombing raid. Two, 500-pound bombs were dropped on a concrete hideout which as a result was blown to smithereens, and all that was left in the end was brick rubble, yet Al Zarqawi, who was mortally wounded, remained in a single piece and got carried away on a stretcher before he died. How did he manage that? Could it be for the possibility of a morbid PR press photo of his dead face and celebration of a US precision bombing campaign? Logically, shouldn’t his body have been in pieces after that kind of bombing, and his skin burnt off? Could it be that Al-Zarqawi was killed elsewhere and then claimed as dead due to this bombing raid? The official version of the death of one child (in this incident) has now been revised to include three other women. Now, a new element of the story unfolds that says that women’s (sexy) lingerie was also discovered in the rubble. Is this being done to embarrass the Muslims or just big-up the playboy image of Al-zarkawi?

Other bloggers have pointed out to older news reports that claimed Al-zarkawi died in 2003. There is also the question as to why this attack on Al-zarkawi hideout happened now, is it because President Bush’s approval rating rests at an all time low (near his IQ level)?

Are we being conditioned to accept the official version for a future terrorist attack on American soil? God forbid something like that does happen, the first reactions will probably be, “You see, Al Qaeda took revenge for killing Al-zarkawi!” Some bloggers are forced to be this cynical because of their experience of 9-11, where they discovered more holes in the official Whitehouse version of that event than a slice of Swiss cheese.

The point is, bloggers ask questions that may be conspiratorial, overtly obvious, logical, intelligent or even downright stupid. They do this because others are not willing to.

By The Olive Ream (a blogger)

X: Psst! Did you see this story in the newspaper?

Y: Yes, I did. Another ‘alleged’ terrorist arrested attempting to blow-up a building.

X: Say, are you a Pakinisian?

Y: No I am not a Pakistani, but I am of Arab origin, if that’s what you meant.

X: Don’t it bother you that so many Moslems are dying in Iraq?

Y: Yes it does but it isn’t just Iraq.

X: You must do something about it.

Y: Like what?

X: Take some action, buddy!

Y: I do protest by writing my opinions on a few websites and…

X: Nobody reads that! You must take action. You must retaliate against what is happening to you Moslems.

Y: Retaliate? You mean protest on the streets against the government?!

X: No, no! What good would that do? Plus, you could get arrested for doing that these days.

Y: So what are you suggesting?

X: You know, blow some stuff up…it’ll get you the attention.

Y: Ah! I see, well…let me just say that you might have mistaken me for an escapee from the mental asylum but I assure you I am not. In fact, I will go further to suggest that you commit yourself in an institution.

X: Oh, c’mon! Do it! Do it for your Moslem brothers and sisters. Here, I’ve got details instructions on the ‘How To’ in these notes, in Arabic. I’ll just stuff this in your bagpack.

Y: Piss off! … and stop sniffing diesel oil, it’s killing your brain cells.

X: I’ve got these blue-prints for various prominent locations and I…

Y: Go sell crazy to someone else. In fact, let me direct you to the Department of Homeland Security. They desperately need loons like you to parade on television.

X: Well, how about some bags of fertilizer I have stored in my warehouse. I can give those to you and other household items to build your self some dangerous explosive and then you..

Y: I don’t need bags of fertilizer from you!! There’s enough bullshit coming out of your mouth to fertilize most of Wyoming. Now, leave!

X: Listen brother. I’ve already have you assigned as a leader to our yet undisclosed organization. I’ve been following you for months, and by the way, the instructions, blue prints, 80 bags of fertilizer and 8 large thin crust pizzas are being delivered to your home as we speak.

Y: Who the hell are you?!

X: I am undercover officer of the Anti-Terror squad, and you my friend, are under arrest!

Y: WTF?! What for?!

X: For being the leader of an evil terror organization that was planning to attack prominent landmarks and we have the evidence to prove it, as it has just been delivered to your home.

Y: This is a bloody set-up!! I want to call my lawyer..

X: You don’t get a lawyer, remember? You are classified as ‘enemy combatant’. Now do me a favor, just keep your mouth shut and don’t shave for the next few days because we’ve got the PR press photos planned for this bust for Tuesday and we need you looking evil and beardy.

Y: Sigh.

X: Don’t sulk. You’ll be famous. You might even be qualified as so dangerous that DHS will shift the threat level up one category and that is something you can be really proud of.

–

Inspired by this

The 78th Annual Academy awards will be presented on March 5th, 2006 at the Kodak Theatre, and I for one am on tenterhooks. I can’t wait till it is all over. The understandable excitement for the Oscars ceremony has resulted in much hair loss and rectal prolapsing amongst all Hollywood bigwigs. This year’s selection is rather special as it covers the gamut of topical issues from cowboy manhandling to terrorists with a conscience. You will definitely need to take a box of tissues (and a clean pair of underwear) with you to go watch these films.

With much further ado, I present the nominees for this year’s Best Motion Picture Award:

Redneck Mountain
An epic love story, set against the sweeping landscapes of Texas that tells the story of two old, extremely rich men–a Vice President and a lawyer–who meet in February of 2006 while driving through a ranch apparently hunting for birds. They unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, when the VP accidentally shoots the lawyer in the face, mistaking him for a quail. The resulting complications, joys and tragedies provide a testament to the endurance and power of love.

Kaput!
The brutal murder of more than a hundred thousand Iraqis and two thousand plus American soldiers in the invasion of Iraq sent shockwaves through the world – and captured the attention of an author named William Blum.The movie covers his journey to create a bestseller ROGUE STATE: A Guide to the World’s Only Superpower. Through his extensive research, Blum compiles a detailed list of US governments involvement since WWII in torturing, kidnapping, harboring terrorists, using chemical and biological weapons and utilizing many other lovely foreign policy tools. The book got a recommendation from the most wanted and homicidal of terrorists, Ossama Bin Laden. (I am not kidding!)

Crash (and burn)
A Danish Cartoon(ist). A rightwing-liberal newspaper. A Prime Minister in shock. Thousands of pissed off Muslim protestors. They all clash due to the re-printing of sacrilegious caricatures and over the question of freedom of expression. The protests start out with reasonable and legitimate verbal and written exchange but over the course of a few weeks turn into insanity driven, politically charged riots resulting in damage to property and human life. In the end, most of the protestors have forgotten what they were actually protesting about and end up smashing windows and peoples’ heads for the heck of it.

Good Bye and Good Riddance
Taking place in the post 9-11 era of broadcast journalism, the movie chronicles the real life conflict between Bill O’ Reilly (of Fox News) and those possessing sanity. With a desire to distort facts and promote sycophancy for the Administration, Bill ends up looking like an ass after each show. The movie is about O’ Reilly’s spiral downwards in the cesspool of tabloid journalism. Even the famous late night talk show host, David Letterman, known for his irreverent and ridiculous sense of humour, tells Bill, “60% of what you say is crap.” (Absolutely true – this actually happened.)

Munchen
Set in the aftermath of the US invasion of Iraq and the Abu Ghraib scandal, the story follows the secret CIA chartered flights that originate from various European cities (including Munich) to pick up ’suspected’ Al Qaeda terrorists to be flown to other (suspect) countries for illegal detention and torture. As the news breaks in the mainstream media of these flights, it is up to the CIA to come up with more creative and innovative ways to cover their tracks (and their ass) in order to continue what they are doing.

As esteemed members of the academy, please submit your vote for the Best Picture and I shall see you all at the Oscars!