the olive ream » Uncategorized

TOGETHER FOR LEBANON

Omer — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 21:07:00 +0000

[click to view larger version]

Please donate and/or help spread the word..

O-BITCH-UARY

Omer — Mon, 24 Jul 2006 06:54:00 +0000

Collective Conscience, 82, of block one of World Avenue, died Sunday, July 23, 2006.

Mr. Conscience was a retired secretary for the Peoples Inc. He was the head of the Moral Society of Human Beings and the founding member of the Ethical Committee of the Global Race. Mr. Conscience’s tragic death occurred during a bombing raid by state terrorists. His wife Deeds and brother Actions also fell victim to the attack.

Mr. Conscience is survived by his daughter Silence and son Apathy.

A memorial service will be held on Monday, July 24^th, 2006 at the Olive Ream Cemetery.

The family requests that memorials may be made in the comments section.

Mass burial will be held at 10:30 am or whenever a bulldozer is available to dig a big enough grave.

May the Collective Conscience rest in pieces, and those responsible burn in hell!

–

Thanks to Shaheen Malik for this link.

TAG

the olive ream — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 03:57:00 +0000

I have been ‘tagged’ by a friend (Teeth Maestro), and I have to admit that I am not too familiar with this mystical and strange blog ritual. I have however, answered the questions to the best of someone else’s ability and hold these truths to be self-evident, if you know what I mean.

Four Jobs I’ve Had In My Life

Map Re-Folding Expert
Contact Lens Remover
Page Turning Concierge
Privet Hedge Sculptor

Four Movies I Could Watch Over And Over

Glitter
Gigli
Battlefield Earth
Swept Away

Four Places I Have Lived

In a cardboard box
In the basement of my neighbor’s house
On earth
Vicariously through others

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch

Re-runs of Election 2004
Whitehouse Press Briefings
State of The Union Address (the sequel)
Local Programming

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation

Mirpur Khas
Heathrow Airport (spent a day there waiting for my flight – delightful!)
Sea of Tranquility
In my head (mostly)

Four Websites I Visit Daily

http://www.judgemylunch.com/
http://www.digholes.com/
http://www.waitforever.com/
http://www.staregame.com/

Four Favourite Foods

Extra-cheesy Cheesecake
Extra-cheesy Cheese pizza
Extra-cheesy Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Extra-cheesy Cheese Lasagna

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right now

Slightly left of center
In someone else’s shoes
On the other side (as the grass is always greener there)
I would rather be myself right now than be a ‘place’, let alone four of them

Four People I tag next

STATE OF THE HEAD OF STATE OF THE UNION

the olive ream — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 07:20:00 +0000

Excerpts from the you-know-what by the you-know-who:

Every time I am invited to this rostrum, I’m humbled by the privilege as I never have a clue as to what to say and how to come up with sorry excuses for all the mistakes I’ve made through out the year. Fortunately for me, I have never had to write my own speeches. I just get tutored on how to read from the auto-cue and pronounce the difficult words before I get to the podium.
–
In a system of two parties, just like the voices inside my head, there is likely to be differences and debate. Fortunately for me, the voices inside my head are so loud that they drown out any external disagreeable and dissenting expressions, so in the end I just do as I please… (at least that is what the voices in my head tell me). Tonight the state of my cranium is strong. (Applause.)
–
Abroad, my controllers and I are committed to a historic and long term goal – to show ourselves as sane and normal, which obviously is not working considering our actions and our passed record of psychosis. But rest assured, the current unholy mess we find ourselves in today is nothing compared to the havoc I am about to create with Iran. (Applause.)
–
No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it. They seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East, and arm themselves with weapons of mass murder. I will not allow that to happen, as that it exactly what I have planned for the Middle East, and the US already has WMDs and I intend to use them, pre-emptively I might add. (Applause.)
–
Their aim is to seize power in Iraq, and use it as a safe haven to launch attacks against America and the world. My aim on the other hand is to maintain our troops in Iraq and use it as a safe haven for future attacks against Iran. Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear. When they murder innocent people, the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will, allowing the violent to inherit the Earth. What they don’t realize is that we are doing exactly the same thing and much more, and we have already (nearly) inherited the Earth, so they are just too late, and so are the meek, for that matter. (Applause.)
–
Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And in that regard, I am doing everything in my power to convince other nations to support the US when we decide to attack you and your country (with even our tactical nuclear weapons) because apparently, you guys feel you have the freedom to develop nuclear power for a better future. I mean really, how dare you?! (Applause.)
–
Americans should not fear our economic future, because we intend to shape it. Shape it in a way that the disparity between the rich and poor becomes more evidently clear. Apparently, we need more tax breaks for the rich because America needs more billionaires in order to compensate for the extremely large number of jobless, homeless and below-the-poverty-line poor. (Applause.)
–
Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. Which is why, we really need to hurry up and invade all these Middle Eastern countries under false pretenses and usurp all their energy supplies and natural resources, before we pick a fight with Venezuela for their oil. (Applause.)
–
Blah, blah, blah, and yada, yada, yada. (Standing ovation.)

A ROOM WITH VIEW-POINTS (Random Thoughts)

the olive ream — Thu, 26 Jan 2006 10:15:00 +0000

DAY:
-Another day, another dollar (in someone else’s pocket).
-A new personal discovery; the rate of hair loss is directly proportional to the increase in waist size.
-Watching CNN while having my breakfast is a good idea. It gives me an upset stomach and keeps me regular. (Wonder what would happen if I switched to watching Fox?)
-Traffic is becoming not only a test of my nerves, but is an adequate screening process for possible candidates for the insane asylum (… and I don’t even drive).
-John Bolton’s mustache is like a privet hedge. I think it veils his Hitler mustache underneath.
-Work, work, work… (must attempt to do some, sometime today).
-Bush should be invited to watch Brokeback Mountain. (I have a feeling Karl Rove might be interested.)
-Money, money, money… (must attempt to save some in this lifetime).
-47 unread emails in my inbox (wow!) …. Only two of them were relevant (sucks!)
- Met a new client today. Have to add another name to the list people I need to avoid for the rest of my life.
-Another new personal discovery; the car ride is painfully slower when heading back home.
-Home is where the heart is… (in addition to my laptop and my ADSL net connection).

NIGHT:
-Is it hot tonight or is it global warming?… (it’s effing January!)
-400 channels but nothing worth watching (but one of these days, I am bound to get lucky…and drop my television out the window of my 8th floor apartment).
-Dan Quayle is a Project for New American Century signatory. Why doesn’t that surprise me?
-Department of Homeland Security is making us all feel rather insecure.
-Blogging is cathartic. It is the bastard child of Technology (internet) and Psychotherapy (the need to rant to a shrink).
-Email CNN and suggest that Wolf Blitzer interview Noam Chomsky, Robert Fisk and Greg Palast on the same show… (if that were ever to happen Wolfy’s little head would explode with frustration and dismay).
-Precision guided missiles?… (then how come the US consistently bombs the wrong targets?)…. Central severely lacking Intelligence Agency.
-Corporate Sponsorship is not getting its due credit in the media, for example, “The US President is brought to you this week by Haliburton in cooperation with the US Military Industrial Complex” would sound rather good before GWB’s press briefing.
-It is my observation that according to most Talibanists, the length of beard growth is directly proportional to the amount of piety one possesses. This rule applies to most religious fundamentalists.
-Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. But what if the victim has incurable insomnia? (…like myself)

PUBLIC APOLOGY

the olive ream — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 19:55:00 +0000

Never, and I mean NEVER, go in to recorded chinwag with a public radio station without being prepared. I cannot fathom, what possessed me to do this interview. I wasn’t pressured into doing it, (there was no gun to my head), and neither was I promised a large amount of money (wire transfer to a Swiss bank account) for this chat yet somehow some evil, conniving voice inside my head, (“Go on, do it! I dare ya!”), convinced me that I would be able to contribute in a healthy political discourse.

After this telephonic interview, which lasted nearly an hour, I was left with this overwhelming feeling that I sounded like a complete and utter prat (a lot more than usual). The host, to his credit, tried his level best to incite some decent responses from me to fairly well thought-out questions but all he got in return were nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. I’m having nightmares just thinking about it. My answers reflected as much political profundity as Bill O’ Reilly, meaning I ended up sounding like a total ass!

So, for those of you who ended up on my site, because you heard the interview, I would like to profusely apologize for not having made sense and for offending you with my incoherent rant. I promise not do it again. For the sole listener who was adequately impressed with my verbal tirade, I appreciate your support but you are biased because you happen to be my spouse.

For those of you who have no clue what I am on about, please ignore this post and continue with your reading of the other articles on this site.

And finally, to Chelsea Merz (show producer), thank you for this opportunity and for your kind words, and to Chris Lydon (show host), for your patience and tolerance. I want you both to know that it wasn’t your fault, as I didn’t even have any idea as to the level of my incompetence. I just hope you are able to edit out all the words that I said between “Hi Chris” and “Bye”.

Now, I am off to register for an elocution and public speaking class, so please excuse me.

—-
At the risk of personal humiliation (in case my interview is available online), I would still like to thank www.radioopensource.org for the opportunity to speak out. I believe the idea behind this radio program is very cool and encourage everyone to support their site and contribute. (Just don’t try to source my interview for your entertainment – it isn’t nice to laugh at someone’s misfortune).

Update Jan 21st, 2006 – Due to an incessant request from a dear friend I have had to insert a link to my interview in the post above. This wasn’t my idea and you have been warned.

A NOSTALGIC LOOK FORWARD

the olive ream — Thu, 05 Jan 2006 05:27:00 +0000

It is 2006 A.D. A.D., according to my book of references, stands for ‘Aedas Demento’, (Latin for Age of Insanity), which is quite apt, as that is how the mischievous global elitists had envisioned are future to be. With the coincidental convenience of terrorism threatening primarily every G8 country, it is the responsibility of the only benevolent, freedom-loving, superpower to pre-emptively strike specific sovereign nations in order to spread a whole lot of peace and love in the world.

So what is in store for us for the coming year(s)? More of the same, I am happy to report. The naughtiness of a specific oil producing Middle Eastern nation will be addressed with due care and attention. Once freedom and democracy has been spread all across this country, with the possible use of tactical nuclear weapons, peace and harmony will prevail via strict enforcement of martial law or continuous foreign military presence.

Large media companies will continue to merge until one day only one enormous Zeppelin media entity exists which will own the broadcast rights to everything on this planet. News will be presented as a form of a highly entertaining Reality Television show with continuous coverage of only the military’s view point of the successful War on Terror, with embedded journalists reporting live from the press room in the Pentagon.

As part of the continued War On Terror (WOT), citizens will be encouraged (by means of a friendly threat to their life and livelihood) to allow themselves to be spied on, not only by the global superpower but by their respective governments as well. This voluntary global spying network will ensure that the government(s) can foil any future terrorist ploys and thereby protect you from yourself by kicking you straight into your civil liberties. (Ouch!)

With further elimination or total disregard of environmental laws, lovely climate changes will continue to take affect through out the course of the coming year(s). World citizenry will be able to enjoy more flash floods, hurricanes, rising sea levels, volcano eruptions, earth quakes, snow storms and other extreme weather phenomena. A fun evening for all families, you’ll agree. The depleting ozone layer will help facilitate a longer-lasting and a bronzy-er tan so people can maintain a year long George Hamilton appearance.

An added advantage of the natural disasters will be to influence the less spiritual. The apocalyptic signs of disasters around the world will convince the non religious to finally be scared into attending their respective places of worship (mosques, temples, synagogues, churches, and the representative branch offices of the Church of Scientology or L. Ron Hubbard’s house, whichever is closest).

All these delightful world events will indisputably take place in our lifetime, which is why the Meek have decided to congregate for their first annual meeting this year. They need to formulate all their plans in time to inherit the earth (or whatever is left of the earth after the Neoconic Empire is done with it).

I SPY

the olive ream — Tue, 20 Dec 2005 17:44:00 +0000

Little Bush (LB): Let’s play a game.

Little John Doe (LJ): Sure. What do you wanna play?

LB: How ’bout I Spy? I spy with my little NSA on Americans residing within the USA.

LJ: Hold on, you can’t do that!

LB: Of course I can. I authorized it and I have the authority to do it.

LJ: No, you do not. It isn’t legal.

LB: It is too. Article 2 of the ‘goddamn piece of paper’ gives me the right.

LJ: Article 2 of the constitution doesn’t allow you to spy on Americans. You can’t spy on people without some sort of court approval.

LB: Oh, yeah! … ask Little Gonzales, he is playing the US attorney general, he says I have the right. Besides, I did it to protect Americans.

LJ: You have got to be kiddin’ me! You wanna spy on Americans, to protect the Americans you are actually spying on?

LB: Exactly!

LJ: You’re a moron!

LB: Shut up! I am spying on you right now, and you are sounding more and more like an enemy combatant.

LJ: Listen, just because we sycophantically approved all your other unlawful deeds does not qualify you to scrutinize citizens within your own country on a pretext of war on terrorism and this issue should be sub judice anyway!

LB: Huh?…. uh,… thanks for the compliment.

LJ: Jeez! You don’t get it, do you? I am going to request a congressional hearing on this.

LB: You can’t do that! By discussing our spying tactics will give advantage to the evil-doers!

LJ: That’s a load of bull and you know it! What you are doing is illegal.

LB: No it is NOT, and I am going to continue to spy on you and your family and the rest of the public, so there!

LJ: You can’t do that to me, I’m an American!!

LB: Dude that is a line used in Hollywood movies by an American character who gets mistreated outside his own country. It doesn’t mean anything here.

LJ: Well, I am not playing your stupid I SPY game. I’m leaving!

LB: Good! The whole idea of the game is to spy on you without you knowing anyway, so get lost!

PENTAGON APPAREL AND ACCESSORIES

the olive ream — Thu, 15 Dec 2005 06:20:00 +0000

With our resounding success in influencing meek little minds of our national populace through the exploitation of our mainstream media, we, at US Special Operations Command (USSOC), feel that it is the right time to target the subservient intellect of the international world population in order to influence them to support our (what some might consider farcical) US foreign policies.

In this regard, we shall be scratching backs, turning knobs, twisting arms, pulling hair, kicking ass, and spending $300 million to basically spread ‘the word’ through international media. In addition, USSOC has also decided to launch a special line of clothing, (t-shirts with pro-US slogans), under the international banner of ‘Pentagon Pret-a-porter’.

With great pleasure, we present to you, a preview of our t-shirt slogans from our debut summer 2006 collection.

-Just a goddamn piece of clothing
-THINKING; just don’t do it
-Trust us; we know what YOU are doing
-Don’t say No to GITMO
-Torturers R US
-For unknown, clandestine destinations – Fly CIA
-Who are you going to believe? US or the facts
-You are either with us or… Forget it; you are with us, period!
-Spreading Freedom through the use of Depleted Uranium Bombs
-For your new year’s resolution, try giving up your rights!
-Pollution rules!
-Martial Law and Order
-World Bank Loans… in 40 million easy installments!
-Make Trade Fare
-Stop beating around the BUSH…. and CHENEY

For Fall 2006, we are planning to launch our new line of Propagandist Underpants. These are specifically designed to provide US support in just the right places.

GODDAMN PRAYER

the olive ream — Sun, 11 Dec 2005 20:17:00 +0000

Dear Lordie,

Well, here we are again. So, what have you got to say for yourself? Hmm..? You’re not planning to give me a freakin’ break (ever), are You?

I don’t know what the big deal is?! All I said was, “It’s just a goddamned piece of paper” and everyone gets offended. Why? I have said so much worse before but it never leaked out to the press and now this happens. It can’t be because I blasphemed because that’s nothing new, and that’s never bothered you before, right? So, why did you do this to me this time?

They tell me, that the goddamned people on the goddamned internet are all makin’ noise about this. First, they all got a bug up their butt about our troop presence in Eye-rack (Iraq), then they start complainin’ about all the torturin’ we’re doin’ to those goddamned evil-doers, then they all start screamin’ about Patriotic Act infringin’ on their goddamn rights, and now they’re bitchin’ about the goddamn constitution. Why don’t they make up their goddamn minds!!

Number one, I ain’t movin the troops out of Eye-rack because they’re just a bunch of goddamn soldiers who are there to protect my interests and the interests of my friends. B, we can torture who we goddamn well please. Third, Patriotic Act is the best goddamn piece of paper ever written for this country and it ought to permanently replace that ‘other’ goddamn piece of paper. Constitution, my ass!

Now, work with me here Lordie, please get this damn internet press in check. ‘Cause I am goddamn’ runnin’ out of patience and might just ban the whole damn internet from this dag nabit planet, if they don’t shut the hell up!

Now, you know what you’ve got to do. You got to get that Aamaideja ……Akhmaane … Ahemenakh… the goddamn president of Eye-rain (Iran) to make another retarded statement against Israel and get this heat off me. You may ask, am I serious? You’re darn tootin, I am!