the olive ream

ST: Pssst! I’m over here.

Me: Sorry, I didn’t see you there. It is so bloody dark in here. Why did you want to meet here?

ST: Because multi-storey, vacant parking lots are the ‘in-thing’ for secret rendezvous of government insiders and mainstream journalists.

Me: Yes, but you work at the drive-through window at McDonalds, and I am sporadic blogger, so why the precaution?

ST: Because it is necessary! Tell me, are we safe?

Me: I don’t know about you but I always use protection.

ST: No, you fool; I mean did you ensure that you were not followed?

Me: Certainly. I changed 4 buses and 2 taxicabs to get here, and I live only half a block away.

ST: Good! So what did you want to ask me?

Me: I wanted to know, who is really behind all these international terrorist attacks?

ST: No. We have to play this game my way; you tell me what you know and I will let you know if you are on the right track.

Me: Okay. Is ‘Evil Ideology’ behind these attacks?

ST: Yes, in addition to ‘Wicked Theology, ‘Rancid Proctology’, and ‘Morbid Ornithology’.

Me: Bastards! This ubiquitous terror threat does not make any sense. No one is safe. What purpose does it serve to murder and kill innocent people?

ST: Hey! The Bush Administration is fighting to spread freedom and democracy in Iraq, so the death of the insurgents is a necessity! They are expendable.

Me: Dude, I was talking about the terrorists killing innocent people.

ST: Oh! Yes, the death of innocent people is always a tragedy. All human life is very precious.

Me: But you just said that the insurgents are expendable…

ST: Never mind that! Do you have any other questions for me?

Me: Yes. What about all these CIA flights? Are they actually kidnapping alleged terrorists and flying them to other countries for torture?

ST: Certainly not! Those are just recreational excursion flights for individuals who volunteered to be flown by CIA to holiday destinations for a bit of R & R.

Me: R & R? Rape and repression?

ST: Get serious! You heard what Bush and Condi said right? The US Administration does not torture detainees!

Me: Yes, they get other contemptible corrupt governments to do it for them.

ST: Not true!

Me: You’re right, I forgot about Gitmo.

ST: You better watch your mouth. You can’t make statements like that.

Me: What about freedom of speech?…..freedom of expression?

ST: Look, everyone is allowed to speak their mind, as long as they don’t criticize the Administration. Freedom can only be fully enjoyed if you regurgitate the mainstream view point.

Me: So what do you recommend, I start listening to Rush Limbaugh to formulate my political opinions?

ST: Why not? He’s already got them formulated for you?

Me: But true patriotism is speaking up against the wrongs committed by your own government.

ST: Who told you that? Don’t be such a Chomsky! True patriotism is not questioning authority.

Me: Fine. So I’ll just stop thinking then, shall I?

ST: Why not? You’ll be much happier.

We are happy to announce the long-awaited, much anticipated Mad-rasa Curriculum (2006) for ’selected’ Mad-rasas around the country. The Utterly Bored of Education have approved the following syllabus for the necessary indoctrination of future fanatics of our impoverished nation.

Program of Study

-How to misinterpret out-dated cultural norms as tenets of Islam - 101
-How to exploit women, children and your own faith for unrelenting avarice – 201
-How to memorize the verses of the Holy Quran while in iron shackles – freshman course
-Introduction to Beard Growth – 101
-Learning the meaning of the Holy Book (by pre-selected, authorized faculty members)
-The importance of Intolerance and Hatred towards the West (in contemporary times)
-The importance of Intolerance and Hatred towards the majority of your fellow citizens who disagree with your point of view
-Advanced Beard Growth - 201
-Fear and Fatal Beatings – the only approach to teaching the faith to the young
-Funding for Fanatics – Senior Class only
-Alteration of Pants, Trousers and Shalwars to ensure ‘Above-Ankle’ length style (extra credit)
-Martyrs r us: Self-Euthanasia and the murder of innocent people – Post Graduate course
-Propagation of the myth that all madrasas are alike
-Propagation and acceptance of the myth that the minority religious extremist views represent the true Islam (in accordance with Western government and Media guidelines)

It is indeed a privilege to have the distinguished faculty members return for yet another term of brainwashing. Please note members of our faculty still include ex- Mujahideen (yes, the same group supported and funded by the US who fought the Russians in Afghanistan, and then later came to be known as the Taliban and subsequently labeled as Al Qaeda supporters but we digress).

The Board of trustees guarantees the unlimited, covert and insidious support of the curriculum for the coming years. Donations will be accepted through all local and international branch offices in the UK. Wire transfers are welcome to our swiss bank account.
Account No.: OBL-911-BS
Swiftcode: GIMMEEMONEYORGOTOHELL

OLIVEREAM: To blog, or not to blog–that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The hypocrisy and belligerence of an outrageous government
Or to write posts against a sea of fascist neocons
And by opposing end them. To quit ranting, to stop feeling–
No more–and by stop feeling to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That are the result of incessant lies. ‘Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To watch Fox TV, to go numb–
To go numb–perchance to stop thinking: ay, there’s the rub,
For in that numbness what peace of mind may come
When we have shuffled off to another sovereign nation’s oil-rich soil,
Must give us pause. There’s the disrespect
That makes calamity of innocent lives.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of the current Administration,
Th’ PNAC’s wrong, Bush’s contumely
The pangs of ethnocentric arrogance, FEMA’s delay,
The insolence of West Wing office, and the spurns
That Middle East merits for what is considered their unworthy oil reserves,
When the White House might its quietus make
With possible indictments of Scooter, Karl and Dick? Who would Iraqis bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after Iraq,
The undiscovered oil-rich country, from whose bourn
No Haliburton subsidiary returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
All become so accustomed to
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of corporate media
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of honest journalism,
And enterprises of mainstream newspapers and broadcast television
With this regard their reporting turn awry
And lose total integrity. — Thick you now,
The fat Karl Rove! — Nymph, in thy arrogance
Be all your sins remembered.
—-
Based on Hamlet’s Soliloquy

You know I had heard it all before. “Global warming this, …climate change that…a big hole in the ozone, … yada, yada, yada” but none of it made any sense to me. I never really paid any attention to those ‘Green Pieces’ people anyway. And then one day, when my wife was in the kitchen, cookin up a storm, I sneaked a peak at one of those Fox television news programs where this man was talking about how cow farts were responsible for global warming. Well, that certainly got my attention, as the subject of Cattle Flatulence happened to be part of my dissertation during my senior year in university.

Apparently, the methane in the cow farts is causing the hole in the ozone layer to grow bigger. As an Industrialist cum Landowner cum Politician cum Blue-Chip Investor (and a man sporting a huge mustache), I have vast amounts of experience exploiting my country … uh, I mean, its people … no, I mean, its natural resources. As a shareholder in some very prominent oil exploration companies, I have never come across any scientific evidence that pollution caused by the use of fossil fuels is responsible for global warming. At least, not in the reports sponsored and issued by the companies in my investment portfolio. So, global warming is not because of the nonsense spewed by the tree-hugging left who keep insisting that the severity in global warming is due to increase in CO2 emissions because of mankind’s heavy dependence on the use of fossil fuels. Well, I am part of mankind and I don’t think my Toyota Land Cruiser caused any type of warming (global or otherwise) and neither have the 6 other SUVs driven by my immediate family members.

Just because of the 2004 Asia tsunami, recent high levels of rainfall and flooding, increase in the numbers of volcano eruptions, increase in the frequency of tropical storms and category five hurricanes like Katrina, everyone seems to think that industrialized nations are to blame. What bull crap!

Worst of all is the claim by some scientists that the recent increase in number of earthquakes is the result of global warming which in turn was caused by excessive fossil fuel related pollution. I mean, c’mon! How can that be? I mean I realize that recent one 7.6 earthquake in Pakistan was one of the worst that country has suffered in probably a hundred years but hey, there was another massive earthquake (a 7.2) in Alaska that hit in 1979 but no one remembers that! So what if the related subsequent scientific investigation revealed that “earthquake action picked up in places where the ice masses retreated some 10,000 years ago…. and pressures push up high mountains where glaciers form - and the weight of the glaciers pushing down can stabilize the situation, if not eliminate the risk altogether. Remove that weight, and the likelihood of a quake goes up as the strain accumulates.”

I know what you are all thinking, “what a load of horse manure!” I agree. Just because there is an increase in the number of horrible catastrophes happening around the world, does not mean there has to be a scientific explanation for it. The reality we all have to confront is that these are all a natural occurrence. A natural occurrence due to God’s will. God, it appears, is really ticked off at all of us humans. Why you might ask? The reason is as apparent as George Bush’s towering intellect. It is because we have all failed in our acceptance and full support of the Globalism. Had we fully backed the idea of open market and exportation of democracy (in its raw, unrestrained form) to all oil producing Middle Eastern and Third World countries, none of these catastrophes would have happened as God’s resulting punishment.

We, as humanity, are now confronted with one final question: Why the heck did I decide to start my annual excursion in the mountainous, northern region of Pakistan on the 7th of October, 2005? It’s been more than a week and I’m still waiting to be rescued. Help!

Dear Lord, … may I call you Lordie? It seems less formal since we know each other so well. I need your help … yet again.

Just to reiterate, you told me to invade Afghanistan, and I did. Granted you had to show me on the map where it was first but hey, nobody is perfect you know. You instructed me to bomb the sh** out of Iraq and I did. Now, you’re finally giving me signs about attacking Iran and I appreciate that because the Pentagonians have been itching to try out our new bunker-busting small scale nookular weapons. But, before I get around to that, I just needed to ask you something. What the heck was up with all this Katrina and Rita crap?! You know I am busy ruling the world, uh,… I mean, ruling the country, fighting the War on Terror and such stuff and you decide to hurricane my sorry ass in the middle of it all. Why lordie, why?! Now my popularity has gone to sh**! It was bad enough with the Cindy Sheehan crowd, but now my own loyal republi-con supporters are turning against me!

This is turning out to be the worst year ever! I mean, really Lordie, let’s be honest here. You haven’t made it easy for me since my first year of presidency but this year you really let me have it. I am not saying it is all your doing, I know Mike Brownie, Tom Delay, and Bill Frist haven’t help things either but please Almighty G, could you take some heat of me regarding this Valeria Plame affair? Now, Karl is saying that he wasn’t involved with the CIA leak, so could you just leave things at that and stall any further investigations into this matter. I’d really appreciate it, thanks! And as far as my involvement goes, the only leak I was responsible for was the one I made in my pants when I first heard about the Plame investigation.

Finally, I wanted to let you know that there are rumors among the press that I’ve recently started drinking again. I just wanted to you to know that is a bold face LIE! I started drinking a couple of years back and there’s nothing recent about it. I drink only for medicinal purposes mainly, as the alcohol helps me relax in these very stressful times. But most of all I drink because it brings me closer to you so I can converse with you every night in these very candid, one-to-one sessions.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I should die before I wake
Then have the White House Medical Emergency staff resuscitate me immediately, just like they did the last time I choked on a pretzel.
Amen

The epitome of advanced and cultured society, the state of Florida has implemented a new law for the protection of its citizens. Described as the ‘Shoot First’ (and don’t bother asking questions later) Law by the Brady Campaign, this new law “… eliminates the duty to avoid the threat and, instead, allows the gun user to ’shoot first’ to eliminate the threat.” How supremely wonderful!!(I hear you say.) I wish we had the same laws in our state but obviously we are not so lucky to have the President’s brother as our Governor to help support the implementation of such a law.

The law was championed by an organization that is prominently known for its erudite group of members (who only rival MENSA in their intellect). That’s right! You guessed it; I am talking about the National Rifle Association (NRA). The NRA supporters of the law have christened it the ‘Stand Your Ground’ (and fire indiscriminately) Law. “The law also makes it legal for someone to use deadly force against anyone who unlawfully or forcefully enters their home or car — even if they are not being attacked.” I know you all are soiling your pants with excitement with that one.

Mark this very special day on your calendar because from this day forth, the ‘Castle Doctrine’ (which enables the right of residents to protect their homes by shooting intruders) has now been extended to public places so if people feel threatened with death or bodily harm, they may shoot to kill. So if you are a Floridian, and you decide to take a stroll outside in public place, and just happen to notice a man smoking a cigarette in your near vicinity, you may have the right to go ahead and put two bullets in his forehead (at close range) because second-hand smoke causes ‘bodily harm’ and you have the right to defend yourself. But don’t pull out your gun in excitement just yet, as the jury is still out on this scenario. No one has a clue as to how ridiculously this current law might be interpreted by the gun-owning residents of Florida.

The NRA is so pleased with the enforcement of this new law that they are planning to change their slogan to “Guns don’t kill people, Floridians do!”

Obviously, the criminals are worried about this new law. “Before, I just used to go ahead and mug people at gun point but now with this new law in place, it is going to be very difficult for me. I mean, I will have to change my tactics because the average citizenry will now be ‘packin’. So what I’ll be doing from now on is shooting people dead the instant they try to fight back because as you know the new law allows me to protect myself from death and bodily harm. As a Floridian, gun-owning mugger, I have decided to abide by this new law and use it to my advantage.”

Florida Billboards now advertise:

Welcome to the Florida – the Sunshine State. Known for orange juice, beautiful beaches, frequent hurricanes, rigged election results AND citizenry brandishing heavy weaponry and possessing itchy trigger fingers. We hope you enjoy your stay!

“A lot of people say if you want to go abroad and get a visa for Canada or citizenship and be a millionaire, get yourself raped.” President Pervez Musharaf’s comment in the Washington Post article (13/09/05).

With the successful completion of the United Nations World Summit of 2005, (which concluded with a loud whimper), we can now all rest easy in our beds knowing that nothing really conclusive has been achieved by the world leaders (as per usual).

The only thing that really made news around the world was President Musharaf’s now infamous quote to Washington Post. There was a loud thud that reverberated around the world as collective jaws of the people (especially Pakistani women) hit the floor. To say we were all flabbergasted would be an understatement. In Pakistan, hospitals emergency wards were inundated with patients suffering from massive coronaries and violent vomiting spells due to the resulting shock and dismay.

Nothing and I mean NOTHING, can justify, qualify, or excuse such a retarded response to a question relating to the serious issue of rape victims in Pakistan. President Musharaf, has since clarified his position by claiming that he was “misquoted”. We all hope (as Pakistanis) that this is true, and that somehow the Washington Post reporter, high on mixture of alcohol and drugs, decided to type these offensive words demeaning Pakistani women and wrongfully associate them to Musharaf.

Even if Musharaf was narrating the words of someone else, and he is not of the same opinion, the IQ has to drop sharply below double digits for one to repeat such nonsensical views in front of the foreign press.

Apart from the massive anger it generated, the following incident occurred as a direct consequence to this idiotic quote appearing in print.

X: Good morning.

Mr. Y: Good morning, how can I help you?

X: I’d like for you to issue me Canadian visa please.

Mr. Y: Well, first you will have to provide us with a completed visa application form and related required documents, before we can assess if you qualify for visa.

X: I qualify, I have been raped.

Mr. Y: What?!

X: Yes, raped! And as you are well aware, Mr. Musharaf said that if I ‘get myself raped’, I will be granted a Canadian visa.

Mr. Y: That is utter rubbish and is highly offensive!

X: Alright, then what about the million dollars? I can at least get the million dollars right?

Mr. Y: Absolutely not!

X: Oh man, what a jib! You mean I don’t get anything for getting myself raped?

Mr. Y: No. And by the way SIR, who may I ask raped you?

X: The system! … “The meek shall inherit the earth?” Not bloody likely. I can’t even get a visa to Canada!

September 12, 2005

To: Mike Chertoff, (Secretary: Homeland Security)

cc: His Royal Holy-ness (the President of United States of America)

Dear Mr. Chertoff,

With an extremely heavy heart and lukewarm testicles, I hereby submit my letter of resignation for your review and acceptance. I know you were expecting it, along with the rest of the American population, so I decided that it would be the best time for me to quit my position as the head of FEMA, as I already have my tail tucked in between my legs.

As the Director of FEMA, I led the response to more than 164 declared disasters and emergencies, and I am not referring to the performance of the current Bush Administration and its handling of the Iraq invasion and the WAT (War on Terror). I worked my velvety buttocks off trying to keep up with you and your genius ideas about conducting WAT drills in every state in America AND responding to disasters, all at the same time. You are one heck of an evil task master. Screw up once with Katrina, and you are ready to can my sorry ass. And don’t pretend like you were not going to fire me because I know you were, and that’s why I conducted a pre-emptive strike and quit. Now you can appoint someone else to handle the mess that we are ALL responsible for creating.

Now, I know I fudged my resume a bit for the purpose of this job, (as you are well aware) but who doesn’t? The fact that prior to my position at FEMA, I served as a bar examiner on ethics and professional responsibility has nothing to do with anything. So, why was my resume-fudging made such a big issue? Have you seen the President’s resume? Would you like me to scrutinize that for you, hmm?!

All this time you had me busy preparing for responding to terrorist attacks by suspiciously obscure religious extremists and that is what my team and I were ready for. This is what you told me to concentrate on and to care about. And now that Katrina has happened, you are not taking any responsibility for it. That is category FIVE BULLSH**!! Your skinny little ass deserves to be fired and that is the truth. And don’t even get me started on the President. He should be held accountable for this mess and for not having a clue about what’s going on. Telling me “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of job.” Yeah, right! So are you Mr. President.

I have now decided to accept the offer as the new Director of the Criminally Insane Asylum of Washington, DC. In which capacity, I shall be looking forward to meeting you and the President very soon.

Love and Kisses,

Michael D. Brown (B.A., J.D. and WD-40)

Can you smell it? This vile stench from the aftermath of Katrina, has not only singed the hairs in our collective nostrils but has left us with this nauseating feeling that makes us want to vomit every time we watch or read the news. The source of this horrid disgusting odor is the bull sh** that spews forth from the mouths of those who are truly responsible for making this natural disaster into a national disaster.

Apparently, everyone was caught off-guard, including the President (which is understandable, since he was busy running away from Cindy Sheehan). NOAA had been posting warnings about a possible Category 5 hurricane making landfall but then who really had the time check out their web site.

The buck has floated in the rancid waters of New Orleans from one person to another has currently settled on the forehead of Mike Brown the Director of FEMA, who surprisingly is well experienced in handling natural disasters as he happens to be one himself. Brown, along with Mike Chertoff (Secretary of Department of Homeland inSecurity) were advised by the staff of the National Hurricane Center about storm’s potential deadly effects but apparently that bit of information was classified as irrelevant and was immediately evacuated out of their respective heads like a couple of rich white men out of New Orleans on a chartered jet right before the hurricane hit.

We don’t know what the local, state and federal officials were doing when Katrina hit New Orleans (probably watching the hurricane on CNN) but we do know that exactly 13 months prior to the arrival of Ms. Katrina in her category Five-ness, these people were busy conducting a successful hurricane drill in the same city, so it is not as if FEMA and the state and local authorities did not know how to respond to such a threat. They knew and they did NOTHING!

It is not enough just blaming FEMA for this hellish mess. We actually need to point our fingers and toes towards the real culprit which happens to be the Department of Homeland inSecurity. Since FEMA is a part of the DHS, it is fair to say that FEMA’s attention (and much of its covert budget) is diverted towards preparing for eventualities relating to civil unrest after a terrorist event. They faced the same criticism after hurricane Andrew smashed into Florida. (Yes, this is not the first time FEMA dropped the ball). The subsequent investigation of FEMA after that disaster revealed that “FEMA was spending 12 times more for “black operations” than for disaster relief” and “It spent $1.3 billion building secret bunkers throughout the United States in anticipation of government disruption by foreign or domestic upheaval.” And that was 1992 folks, so you can imagine what FEMA’s black Ops budget is now (after 9-11).

The reality is that Federal Emergency Management Agency is part of the DHS, and the DHS is too busy spending billions of tax dollars spying on you and your family members in their hunt for bearded, religious fanatic terrorists that they can NOT be bothered saving people’s lives during a category 5 hurricane. Sorry but that is just asking way too much of them. All they are authorized to do is to do a ‘clean-up’ job after excrement has hit the propeller. So as horrifying as this may sound you need to save your own ass when the time comes, (especially if you are African-American and/or poor) because ‘frankly my dear, FEMA don’t give a damn!’

Prez: I don’t care what the poles say!! I only give a darn about what the American public thinks. Well, some of them, anyway.

X: No, you insufferable idiot, I am referring to the recent opinion polls and surveys, which indicate that you are as popular as an acute case of hemorrhoids.

Prez: How can that be? They must be polling the wrong people then. I must ask Rove to come up with a new survey.

X: Karl Rove is too busy leaking the real identities of CIA employees to be bothered with fabricating opinion polls.

Prez: What the fudge am I doing wrong here?! I mean, I am just following your orders. You told me to start the crusade against the evil doers, who have done evil, are still doing evil and most likely, will continue with their doing of evil in the future.

X: I said no such thing! I never gave you such orders. Have you been sniffing diesel oil, again?

Prez: Of course not! …. Okay, once. Alright, I only do it occasionally…. after meals, and that’s it!

X: Holy motherboard! I knew it! Alright, why don’t you meet with Sheehan? I think that’ll take some pressure off you and it’ll please the public.

Prez: No I can’t. I have to get on with my life. I support her right to protest but I can’t support her right to confront me face-to-face. That’s asking way too much, plus I haven’t a clue what to say to her.

X: So what in the name of all that is Holy, are you going to do?! The majority of the world population detests you. They are remote tribes in the Amazon rainforest, completely untouched by civilization, who vomit violently at the sound of your name because they hate your guts so much.

Prez: But I am doing the Lord’s work, and I don’t care what people think!

X: What ‘Lord’ are you talking about? Lord Mountbatten? Lord Byron? Lord of the Rings? Lord’s Cricket ground….who?

Prez: You Lord, I am talking about you! I know who you are, J.C. You represent the man-upstairs.

X: J.C.?! Holy Valance! I am not J.C. you fool! I am just a voice inside your head.

Prez: What?!!!! You mean you are not James Cameron?!! Oh, sh*t!