the olive ream

The festering boil on the backside of the UN has started leaking pus. I know that sounds revolting but the mustachioed freak (John Bolton) has only been at the UN a few days and he is already causing trouble, (as predicted). Only weeks before the UN reforms summit, the United States wants to renegotiate the draft agreement and get rid of some its most crucial provisions.

Obviously to Bolt-head and the current US administration these provisions seem rather insignificant, I mean all we are talking about is:

- the elimination of pledges of foreign aid to poor, third world nations (because they don’t really need it and that money could be better used by the US military) and

- scrapping provisions calling for action to halt climate change (because as we all know, there is no real evidence of climate change, and the only global warming and pollution that has occurred is due to the methane gas caused by John Bolton’s flatulence).

In addition, ‘The US amendments call for striking any mention of the 2000 Millennium Development Goals, in which UN members set goals over the next 15 years to reduce poverty, preventable diseases and other scourges of the world’s poor’ and instead wants ‘ to underscore the importance of the 2002 Monterrey (Mexico) Consensus, that focused on free-market reforms and required governments to improve accountability in exchange for aid and debt relief’. (We are so glad that the US government has got its priorities straight).

The proposals also highlights US efforts to impose greater oversight of UN spending (but not the UN oversight of US spending of Iraq oil revenues) and to eliminate any reference to the International Criminal Court (because any international court that would consider prosecuting Americans, is against God’s will).

There are in total 750 amendments presented by Bolt-head, and the US is expecting each one to be approved by the UN ambassadors or else the US will invade their respective countries.

Charles Clarke, the Home Secretary has taken another giant step towards countering ‘real and significant terror threat’ (as opposed to unreal and insignificant terror threat) by issuing a definitive list of ‘unacceptable’ behaviours that he hopes will be followed by all non-UK citizens interested in being deported from the United Kingdom. Considering the fact that he spent a full two weeks, trying to come up with this list, ‘it is the least you can do’.

The list covers everyone anyone (except UK citizens) within the UK or abroad, i.e. the rest of the world population who use any medium (including distributing materials, preaching, running web sites, drawing pictures, miming, break-dancing, and lip synching) to express views that:

- foment, justify or glorify terrorist violence in furtherance of particular beliefs;
[no, this does not refer to the Invasion of Iraq and the murder of thousands of Iraqis to promote the fascist globalist agenda under false pretenses and then claim it as a success story]

- seek to provoke others to terrorist acts;
[no, this does not refer to leak of Abu Ghraib images/videos to incite insurgent violence to ensure the presence of foreign troops in Iraq]

- foment other serious criminal activity or seek to provoke others to serious criminal acts; or
[no, this does not refer to no-bid selection of Haliburton or the missing 9 billion dollars of Iraq oil revenues]

- foster hatred which might lead to inter-community violence in the UK
[ no, we are not refering to the murder of Jean Charles de Menezes]

So, now who wants to get deported, hmm?

In order to address the desperate need for an urgent relief to this dreadful malady that has afflicted most, if not all, the settlers who have been forcefully removed from their homes by the IA, we present:

A Helpful Guide to Fighting Gaza Withdrawal Symptoms (GWS)

GWS may occur suddenly, most often, after immediate removal from your place of residence in the occupied settlements zone. Not everyone evicted will suffer these symptoms but most people who had inhabited these illegal settlements for more than a decade our likely candidates for a nasty case of GWS.

There is no way of predicting how an individual will respond to a government sponsored forced expulsion but these “cold-turkey” evictions can cause considerable damage.

A victim of GWS might suffer from mild to severe psychological symptoms such as Anxiety, Irritability, Emotional Volatility, Agitation, Extreme Anger, Severe Depression, Mental Fatigue and a state of confusion followed by hallucinations (visual).

Physical symptoms include Headache, Sweating, Nausea, Vomiting, Loss of Appetite and irregular and abnormal bowel movements.

Treatment:

After the punching, kicking, wailing and gnashing of teeth has stopped, move the victim to a comfortable environment (like a five star hotel room with television and cable access to Arutz Shalosh and Fox News). Place the victim calmly on the bed, and with the aid of a bullhorn, reiterate the following facts directly into his/her ear hole:

- Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once!
- Although it is against The Fourth Geneva Convention, you are being relocated from your old (illegal) settlement to your new (illegal) settlement near the beach.
- The government has decided to compensate you handsomely for your transfer.
- Courtesy of Paul Wolfowitz, the World Bank has decided to buyout the colonies’ greenhouses built on confiscated land, so if you own one, you’re in the money!
- It is a likely possibility you will be relocated to your new fancy home on another illegal settlement in the West bank.
- You and your family members will remain secure and safe as the Israeli military will continue to control the air and land borders.
- The colonists will continue to control majority of the water supply in the illegal settlements.
- By ‘disengaging’ from Gaza, Israel can finally concentrate on annexation of crucial Palestinian territories in Jerusalem and West Bank.
- The Apartheid Wall will continue to be built until the Palestinian prison is complete.
- Finally, the IDF will continue to demolish Palestinian homes, shoot innocent civilians (including children), and restrict their movement to the confines of the prison they call home.
- Now calm the f**k down!

You will notice that GWS victim will immediately begin showing signs of relief. He/She will appear much calmer, happier and might end-up even laughing uncontrollably; in which case, you can join him with evil menacing chuckle mimicking the fascist git Sharon.

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Source and Inspiration for this piece are here and here.

Since these days the definition of a true patriot is defined by the number of bumper stickers plastered on the back of your car, we here at the Olive Ream, would like to present to you with our own collection of sticky dictums (and no, we are not referring to the duct tapes used by the terrorists), that you can print, paste and promote on your SUV.

- You have the right to bare arms – so wear a sleeveless t-shirt.
- We troop our supports – by tying you up well so you won’t escape.
- You are either with us or you’re opting for sanity.
- Land of the free (only for a little while longer)
- Home of the brave (currently being scheduled for demolition)
- Remember 9-11 (but forget about catching Ossama)
- Support the Patriotic Acts (because civil liberties are over-rated)
- In God we trust, (but the feeling is certainly not mutual)
- Spread Freedom & Democracy (by bombing the crap out of other sovereign nations)
- Join the Army (voluntarily or we will draft your sorry ass!)
- Support Israel (if you know what’s good for you)
- United we stand (in our disbelief at the mess the Neocons have created)
- Divided we fall (for the same type of lies repeatedly)
- Support the war on terrorism (with your tax dollars and your life)
- Prey for the troops (they need help in killing insurgents)
- Let freedom ring (just don’t bother answering and it’ll go away)

If you need to feel patriotic at home, we suggest you plop yourself on your sofa, place a family size bucket of buttered popcorn in your lap, and watch the Fox channel. Every time you hear the word ‘terrorist’ you have to chug a pint of Beer. We promise you will be feeling extremely patriotic by the end of the evening.

Not recommended for minors, pregnant women and the clinically sane.

Are you an ‘Evil Ideologist’? Do you hate the WEST? (even though you and every member of immediate family is either a UK or a US passport holder) Do you belong to a quorum of religious fanatics with itchy fingers and who have nothing better to do than having strokey beard meetings? Are you looking to cause havoc and human suffering but cannot come up with a good enough idea because you are severely lacking in the brain department?

If your answer is a resounding YES to all of the above, then we have a list of wonderful terrorist activities that you can plan and execute courtesy the US intelligence, military and security agencies.

We know how hard it is to come up with the logistics of pulling off something like 9-11, (trust us, it wasn’t easy), therefore in our infinite wisdom, we have provided you with varied selection of detailed terrorist scenarios from which to choose from.

You can start by visiting this web site, here. This happens to be Homeland Security Council’s ‘Idiot’s Guide to the 15 most frightening terrorist scenarios’. This should provide you with sufficient ideas to perpetrate your next radical activity. They are plenty to choose from, so this site shall pretty much address all your maniacal requirements. It is open to the public and there is no subscription fee to view the contents, although donations are welcomed.

If you are looking for more contemporary ideas regarding committing heinous crimes against humanity, US Northern Command (NORTHCOM) has been kind enough to advertise their next terror drill, which is described as follows, “Here’s the scenario. A seafaring vessel transporting a 10-kiloton nuclear warhead makes its way into a port off the coast of Charleston, S.C. Terrorists aboard the ship attempt to smuggle the warhead off the ship to detonate it.” How mind-numbingly frightening is that?!

Well, we hope you appreciate our tireless efforts in making your job as terrorist a whole lot easier. Our only request remains that you please conform to the ideas and terrorist scenarios referenced for you above. We have only been practicing our terrorism response drills related to the above highlighted scenarios, so please don’t come up with your own silly little plans or else we’re screwed.

——–

Author’s note: Before I receive any complaints regarding the above, please note the post is meant to be sarcastic and I am not actually encouraging, inciting or promoting terrorism. Rest assured all grievances will be duly noted, printed on thoroughly absorbent paper, and shall be used as my lavatory roll in the future.

I’ve been trying to figure out why so many Americans still continue to support this current lying, fascist, Neoconic Administration. I think I might have found the answer. Check this out.

Well, there you go. The supreme seed in the foul collection of mixed nuts known collectively as the Bush Administration, has appointed John Robert Bolton as the Ambassador to the United Nations.

The mustachioed freak that held the position of Under Secretary of State for Arms Control and International Security since May, 2001, will now be terrorizing the UN and his presence there will be as welcome as the black plague. Enough has been revealed about his sordid past for all us to come to an obvious conclusion that this fascist git is being positioned into place (like a chess piece) for the next big US military misadventure.

So what is in store? Just like Iraq, VP Prick Cheney has instructed the Pentagon(ians) to come up with another insane attack plan. But this time it is specifically fashioned for Iran. This plan is to be implemented following another 9-11 type attack (which apparently, Prick and his Neocon nuts are sure will happen, sooner rather than later). The core of this plan includes the use of air assault on Iran, utilizing not only conventional but tactical NUCLEAR weapons. Hello!!?? Anyone see the results of their precision bombing in Iraq? Destroy everything in sight including their own US ground troops. Now imagine this being done with a nuclear weapon. Get the picture?

Returning back to the mustachioed freak, the reason for his urgent appointment to the UN by El Presidente, is to ensure that the UN does not cause unnecessary delays in expediting their maniacal plan. Bolt-head will be prepping the UN offices with necessary bugging devices, black-mailing the requisite members for future attack on Iran, and harassing the living sh** out of the female (and the male) staff at the UN HQ for his own perverted pleasure. And this is just for starters, he has got a lot more tricks up his sleeve and down his pants to cause serious concern for the future of UN.

So while our collective attentions are diverted towards spotting non-Caucasian looking individuals carrying back packs, the real terrorists are preparing for a mass annihilation of yet another sovereign nation. Of course, to muster support of the American public (and the coalition of the willing sycophants) would require another 9-11 type scenario to take place, and how convenient it is for the US administration that Al Qaeda will oblige this time, as it has done in the past. Just ask Prick Cheney. Al Qaeda has never let him down, since the days when these band of merry men were known as the Mujahideeen.

I sincerely hope and pray that I turn out to be wrong about all of this. But knowing my luck….(sigh).

BOOK REVIEW:

Title: Chicken Sh** for the Soul – 101 stories to Open the Bowels and Rekindle the Hatred
Compiled and Edited: Bubba Bush & Tony Prick
Publisher: Global Elitist Refuse House of Publishing & Marauding

A fine collection of heart-warming, stomach-churning, vomit-inducing lies that help uplift your blood pressure, while shrinking your thought process to that equivalent of a retarded gold fish.

The main theme prevalent in this imbecilic collection of fabled fables is the global threat of terrorism. In order to fully appreciate this book, the reader must surrender all rational thought, dwell in paranoia and possess a single digit IQ. To help achieve this state of mind, a small collection of hallucinogenic drugs are provided with each hard back version.

Some of the masterpieces in this fine collection of drivel include:

- The convenience of blaming Al Qaeda for everything from a terrorist attack to a paper cut
- How to avoid questioning authority and learning not to think for yourself
- How to demean a religion and its followers in a devious way
- How to include the words “great resolve” in a speech following a terrorist event
- The benefits of a National ID card including a 10% discount on socks at your local BHS outlet
- 3 Easy ways to sell out completely – for the mainstream media
- The Freedom to vote (for pre-selected candidates)
- The use of Depleted Uranium (DU) Bombs and its related health benefits
- Committing Torture – An effective form of stress relief for our military.
- Human rights and other fallacies
- What climate change?
- Play your part in promoting Globalism, (you know you want to!)
- Trust no one but your government
- Why Billionaires are good for the economy
- How extremely rich musicians can help extremely rich G8 leaders pretend to care about ending world hunger

Price: Free (including frisking and man-handling)

Order your copy today!
[ Selected for Oprah’s Book of the Month Club]

We were all feeling so good about doing something positive for a change by watching the Live8 concerts, in support of the Make Poverty History campaign, where internationally celebrated stars like Madonna, adorned in diamond studded jewelry, reminded us of how revoltingly rich artists like herself, are so deeply concerned about the subject of global poverty. She truly felt the pain, as evidenced by the amount of profanity she used during this live television performance.

And as our collective attentions were diverted towards such noble causes as dropping the debt of the world’s poorest nations, increasing and improving aid, and negotiating fairer trade rules in the interest of poorer countries, the ubiquitous Al Qaeda struck once again to basically scare the living crap out all of us. We have been reminded once again of the ‘real’ issue that we should all be concentrating on; the global terrorist threat of ‘islamic extremism’ represented by the Al Qaeda Network Inc. and its official ‘Sleeper Cell’ partners. They can strike anywhere and at anytime, like a US led invasion of an oil rich sovereign nation under false pretenses.

This time again, we were all caught unawares. The incident as described by the first associated press report happened thus: “GLENEAGLES, Scotland - President Bush collided with a local police officer and fell during a bike ride on the grounds of the Gleneagles golf resort while attending a meeting of world leaders Wednesday.”

Needless to say but we were all horrified to hear that such a devastating incident has happened again, after he had made headlines only last year when he fell off his bicycle and scraped his knee. I think it is fair to say that majority of us knew that it was Al Qaeda behind this devious plot to disrupt the presidential transportation system (bike) and injure not only the president but also innocent people (the poor police officer who Bush slammed into while admiring the scenery). As a result of this accident, transportation systems in all major cities have been put on High Alert.

It was additionally reported that Bush was wearing a helmet at the time, so luckily he did not suffer any injuries to his scrotum.

Initial intelligence reports sourcing an undeniably solid piece of evidence (a post on web site) confirmed that this was the work of the scheming ‘Secret Organization of Al Qaeda in Europe and The Outer Hebrides’.

The US president later commented on the attack, “I have great resolve, and I shall recover soon. It is just like learning to ride a bike, once you learn how, you can frequently forget and fall on your ass.”

To: The Secretary of Offense
The White House

Dear Mr. Rumsfeld,

As requested, please find below the minutes from the first meeting held with the insurgents in Iraq.

Meeting with the representatives of
Iraqi Insurgents Association Inc. (IIAI)
Date: 3rd June, 2005
Time: 3pm
Location: Balad

Members-Present:
Representative of Ansar al-Sunna Army
Representative of Islamic Army in Iraq
Representative(s) of the Fairly Pissed-off Iraqi Population In General

Minister of Electricity (absolutely true, I am not making this up)
Senior US Military Officer
Senior US Lack Of Intelligence Officer
Representative of the CIA
Civilian Staff Aide from US Congress
Representative of the American Embassy in Baghdad

Absent: Abu Missing Al Zarkawi and Where’s Ossama Bin Lately

Quorum present? Yes

Others Present:

-Paris Hilton (I am making this one up)

Proceedings:

Meeting called to order at 3:00 p.m. by the sound of a loud BANG outside the villa window, with everyone ducking under the table. (Later discovered to be a car back firing).

It was mutually and prematurely agreed to further hold such meetings. The Chair suggested, “Its damn good idea, and gets me out of the house for a change.”

Key Issues Discussed:

-Representatives of the Iraqi Insurgents Association requested a timetable for the US Exit Strategy (from Iraq). The Senior Lack of Intelligence Officer replied, “We don’t have one.” IIAI Representative reiterated the importance of a proper US exit strategy other than the current ‘body bags’ approach to the US personnel leaving Iraq. It was mutually agreed that ‘something must be done’ to address this issue.

- Minister of Electricity enquired about the number of power outages that the IIAI were aware, of other than the daily load-shedding disruption averaging 18 hours. IIAI representative said, “What electricity? We have electricity?”

- The Senior US Military Officer requested the IIAI to address the issue of the daily suicide attacks on the US Military. The IIAI representative requested further information on the subject. (“What do you want me to do about it?”). The Senior Military Officer replied, “Stop it!” The IIAI representatives mutually agreed to “see what we can do about it” and then burst out laughing.

-The Representative of the US Embassy in Baghdad requested the IIAI representatives to return back to their own countries and to “stop the terrorist attacks in Iraq.” The IIAI clarified that majority of the ‘insurgents’ in Iraq are Iraqis themselves and not outsiders. They further suggested the US Embassy representative to “stop believing in your own propaganda and to avoid watching CNN and Fox news as it was definitely taking a toll on his intelligence”. The representative from the US Embassy was flattered by their comment, and said “Thank you for the compliment.”

Other business:

-All parties agreed to have the representative of the CIA attend all future meetings as his contribution of ‘straightening chairs’ was invaluable.

-The Civilian staff aide from the US Congress requested the IIAI to forward a message of goodwill to the US Administration. They courteously replied with a “Sod off and die!”

Assessment of the Meeting:

Went quite well, although the falafel sandwiches left much to be desired.

Meeting adjourned at 3:10 p.m.

X: Psssst!

Me: Yes?

X: Come closer honey, I won’t bite.

Me: Well, that’s a relief.

X: Do you wanna have some fun, darlin’?

Me: No thanks, I just had some.

X: Oh, c’mon! I can promise you some real hard-core action.

Me: I know, and that’s what I’m afraid of.

X: Hey, I’m desperate. If I don’t get your business, I’ll be in serious trouble.

Me: Why don’t you do something better with your life. Stop demeaning yourself like this. I’m sure you could make a better living.

X: Easy for you to say. You think I like doing what I do? They are people out there who would make my life a living hell, if I stop working the streets.

Me: I’m sorry; I didn’t realize things were so tough for you.

X: You have no idea. I’ve been walking the streets for the last 6 hours and my heels are killing me. I haven’t been able to convince a single guy to come with me.

Me: That is a shame but I’m sorry, I am still not interested.

X: Damn you!!

Me: I have twenty bucks in my wallet. Here, you can have it.

X: I don’t want your charity! I want you to come…

Me: You are wasting your time. I am not bloody interested! Get it?

X: But why?!!

Me: Because I am not from the US, and there is NO way that you, as a US Military Recruiter, can sign me up for your bloody War on Terror, which incidentally, is a complete farce to the majority of sane people of this world. Now fu** off and leave me alone!