the olive ream

Senator Hillary Clinton, the U.S Sentator from New York running for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination, addressing the American Israeli Public Affair’s Committee:

[My comments are in bold]

” … That is why we stand with Israel because it is a beacon of democracy
in the region [This sentence just guaranteed her at least five million dollars towards her presidential campaign contribution]; that is why we stand with Israel because its very existence is a defiant affront to anti-Semitism [human rights and international rule of law]; that is why we stand with Israel because in defeating terror [it actually does nothing except incite it by the actions of the IDF] because Israel’s cause is our cause [Kaching! That sentence just added 20 million dollars into her presidential campaign kitty]. And that is why we stand with Israel because of our shared values and our shared belief in the dignity of men and women and the right to live without fear or oppression [except for the Palestinians who obviously don't exist for either Hillary or for the Israeli leaders]. And what we must do is to think rationally and strategically about how our values, our beliefs can be translated into effective action. [Bomb the hell out of Iran] It is not enough for us to say the right things; we’ve got to be smart and tough enough to do the right things that will protect American and Israeli interests now and forever. [Correction: Attack Iran, Syria, Lebanon - oh, heck! the whole of the Middle East while we are at it]”

—
Let me now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, while I go vomit violently into a sick bag.

US-Led forces show evidence of Iranian Arms in Iraq

BAGHDAD (Reuters) – U.S.-led forces presented on Sunday what officials said was “a growing body of evidence” of Iran made arms being used in Iraq. The following image was provided by the US Intel. as proof.

Interviewer: Mr. President, is the U.S. Planning to attack Iran?

The President: We are not planning to attack Iran, but all options are on the table.

Interviewer: But Mr. President, during your 10th January speech, you mentioned Iran six times!

The President: Of course! Iran is a threat to the region. Ahmedinadinadinadinajaad is building nuclear weapons over there.

Interviewer: Yes, but the speech was about the civil war situation in Iraq.

The President: Was it? … really? Yes, well, uhmm…. ahh.

Interviewer: I think your earpiece fell out Mr. President.

The President: Oh sh*t! No wonder I couldn’t hear the lines to answer you. Wait a second, let me put put it back in. Ah! that’s better. Yes, well Iran is directly involved in creating the civil war situation in Iraq.

Interviewer: So are you planning to order an attack on Iran?

The President: We are not planning to attack Iran, but all tables are on the option.

Interviewer: But the recent moves by the US navy, specifically the positioning of aircraft carriers in the Persian Gulf, points to an attack on Iran.

The President: We are not planning to attack the tables, but all the options are on Iran.

Interviewer: But it is clear that Israeli prime minister, sees the attack on Iran as a as necessity because he classifies Iran as the biggest threat to Israel, even though Prime Minister Olmert himself accidently admitted in public that Israel possesses nuclear weapons.

The President: We are not planning to option Iran, but all tables are on the attack.

Interviewer: Even the most prominent neo-conservative members of your party are now beating the war drums for Iran.

The President: We are not planning to table all the options, but the attack is on Iran.

Interviewer: Aha!! so you admit it.

The President: No wait! … I didn’t mean to say that….yet.

Interviewer: So how do you plan to drum up support for the attack?

The President: Wait for it.

Interviewer: Wait for what?

The President: Shhh!!…wait and listen.

[[[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[ [[[ [[KABOOOOM!!!!!!]] ]]] ]]]] ]]]]] ]]]]]]

The President: There’s the support I need. Now no other option is on the table BUT to attack Iran.
-
Disclaimer: This is a fictional account of what could actually turn out to be the reasoning of a future, non-fictional event.

Dear Congress,

Please find enclosed the four-volume set of the 2008 Federal Budget Books for your review – and they are absolutely free for yours to keep! I am asking you all to approve this $2.9 trillion dollar budget without the necessary due care and attention, as you have done so in the previous years. By the way, does anyone know how many zeros there are in a trillion? They tell me it is a lot, so I am suitably impressed.

Apart from pledging allegiance to the flag of these United States, I also pledge to balance this here budget by the year 2012. Now I realize that is a long ways off, but let’s be honest here, with the way things are going in the Middle East and the fight I’m soon to pick with Iran, balancing of the budget should be the last of year worries for the future.

With this budget, I intend to make my first-term tax cuts permanent! I’m sure you all will agree to that as it provides the break for all our repulsively rich fat cat friends we have sponsoring our positions in government. So let’s not hear any bitching about this later.

You should be happy to know that with this budget, we would achieve nearly $100 billion dollar in savings by expertly trimming down on increases in Medicare, the health insurance program for the 43 million retirees and disabled, and Medicaid for the poor. You see, I’ve decided to attack only those people that I know cannot hit back. So, no real change there in my policy.

Just so you know, I’m asking for a $100 billion dollars more for Iraq and the war on terror. And, this is in addition to $70 billion I asked for earlier. Now, don’t all of you get your panties in a bunch over this amount cause it ain’t much, believe me! I could have asked for much more. I expect you all to approve it as early as possible, or else I will declare all of you “enemy combatants” and then you’ll rot in a federal prison for life, without your families ever knowing where and how you are.

And I might as well tell you now; I am increasing the Pentagon budget by relatively decent 11 percent. This brings there 2008 budget to 481.4 billion dollars but I better not get any complaints from you guys, got that?! How else do you expect me to sponsor the attack on Iran? …with f*cking food stamps?!

Now go do what you do best, act like you care about the people and argue and fight about this budget, before most of you cave-in and approve everything I’ve proposed.

Take care,
Love and kisses,
George
(The Prez)

So I read this article the other day on the CNN web site, about this new military technology that is catching everyone’s attention. I present the same article here for your review but with my comments in BOLD.

The military’s new weapon is a ray gun that shoots a beam that makes people feel as if they will catch fire. [How fantastic! But they can do that by holding a lighter next to someone's face so why spend billions inventing such an expansive alternative?]

The technology is supposed to be harmless — a non-lethal way to get enemies to drop their weapons. [Ooh! just like the tazer guns were supposed to be non-lethal, right? The same tazers guns that have resulted in 'accidental' deaths of several innocent civilians when they were utilized by law enforcement.]

Military officials say it could save the lives of civilians and service members in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. [Why? Is the US military planning to leave Iraq and Afghanistan and are permanently removing their military bases from these countries?]

The weapon is not expected to go into production until at least 2010, but all branches of the military have expressed interest in it, officials said. [Are these the same branches of the military whose senior personnel are shareholders in the company producing this offensive weaponry or are they the paid lobbyists for the company in question?]

During the first media demonstration of the weapon Wednesday, airmen fired beams from a large dish antenna mounted atop a Humvee at people pretending to be rioters and acting out other scenarios U.S. troops might encounter. [Hold on a minute! I thought you just said this was 'a non-lethal way to get ENEMIES to drop their weapons.' So a rioting public is the enemy, and the stones, sticks and banners they might be holding are their weapons. Yes I can certainly see how dangerous such weapons can be for armoured personnel sitting inside a tank. And what 'other scenarios' are we talking about here? People yelling, screaming obcenities telling the US military to f*ck off out of their country...and perhaps people walking aggressively is another scenario that qualifies as dangerous.]

While the sudden, 130-degree Fahrenheit (54.44 Celsius) heat was not painful, it was intense enough to make participants think their clothes were about to ignite. [Apparently, feeling like your clothes are about to burst into flames is not painful. It is just like disrobing because you feel slightly warm and you feel the need for a tan.]

“This is one of the key technologies for the future,” said Marine Col. Kirk Hymes, director of the non-lethal weapons program that helped develop the weapon. “Non-lethal weapons are important for the escalation of force, especially in the environments our forces are operating in.” [Actually, the environment you are operating in requires a de-escalation of force...and the US military force to be exact.]

The system uses millimeter waves, which can penetrate only 1/64th of an inch of skin, just enough to cause discomfort. By comparison, common kitchen microwaves penetrate several inches of skin. [But kitchen microwaves don't make you feel like your clothes are on fire either unless you are sitting inside the microwave while warming your food.]

The millimeter waves cannot go through walls, but they can penetrate most clothing, officials said. They refused to comment on whether the waves can go through glass. [So all the enemy has to do is stand behind a wall, and this million dollar weapon becomes utterly useless. I guess it becomes even more apparent that this weapon is solely meant for rioters or protestors (i.e. the general public) out in the open and the military qualifies them as the 'real' enemy. And why the refusal to comment if this will go through glass? Is it because it can't or they haven't tested the damn thing going through glass or is it because it shatters the glass injuring innocent civilians?]

The system was developed by the military, but the two devices being evaluated were built by defense contractor Raytheon. [No wonder the military is showing so much interest in buying this damn thing, they made it. And 'Ray-theon' was probably chosen because the name seemed appropriate based on the weapon in question.]

Airman Blaine Pernell, 22, said he could have used the system during his four tours in Iraq, where he manned watchtowers around a base near Kirkuk. He said Iraqis often pulled up and faked car problems so they could scout U.S. forces.[He is 22 and he's done four tours of Iraq at this age? The US military is seriously short of volunteers. I am sure he could have used this system, like many other US soldiers who use the alternate method of firing indiscriminately at the crowd to disperse them. But then again, the weapon wont be much of use, if the Iraqis run and hide behind walls.]
———–

From the article above, one gets the clear impression this weapon is developed and will be used primarily on the general public for crowd control at times of government protests. So water canons, tear gas, rubber bullets and now this! … a weapon against civil disobedience.

The source of the article is here.

Category: Croackpot cooking

Yield: Endless servings of bulls**t

Ingredients: 

4 lbs Palestinian Oppression
2 lbs Palestinian Apartheid and inhumane conditions
2 table spoons(ts) of Hamas extremists (including the
original Mossad funded type)
3 oz Hezbollah retaliation
1 large clove of Media Bias towards Israel
2 large ts of stinging IDF attacks
10 kilos pre-planned Israeli Air assault
5 cups of globalist agenda
1 Large packet of Apathy and Indifference

Method:

Pour the 5 cups of globalist agenda in to a large pot.
Add Palestinian oppression, apartheid and inhumane
conditions and bring to boil. Stir in Mossad funded
Hamas extremism, if regular Hamas extremism does not
achieve desired results. Increase heat and add the
two tea spoons of IDF attacks. Let it simmer 5 minutes.
Now, add half a clove of Media Bias until it all starts
to smell bad.

Stir the pot and slowly add the Hezbollah retaliation. Now
add the disproportionate amount of pre-planned Israeli Air
assault. Add the other half clove of media bias until
the stench becomes unbearable. Increase heat and let the
whole situation cook into an all-out, incontrollable war.
Disregard the resulting human death toll of innocent
civilians (Palestinians and Israelis), put them in
a separate bowl and ignore.

Finally spoon out the contents into a large porcelain
serving dish and sprinkle heavily with finally chopped
Apathy and Indifference. Add Total Ignorance to taste.

Serves millions

Ensure that all leftovers are sealed in a air-tight bag
and placed in the freezer until needed for future attacks
on Syria and Iran and served either as cold 'self defense'
or spicy (hellish) 'war on terror'.

MMMMM……enjoy!

--
Note: For those watching CNN and BBC, please make it a point
check this out as well. [Warning: Graphic/Disturbing images]

O say, can you see, 19 terrorist’s take flight,
What so proudly we hail’d as the Al Qaeda’s evil scheming.
With a broad beard and beady eyes, he laid claim to this perilous fight,
O’er CNN we watch’d, the attack on W.T.C.
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro’ the night that we attacked Iraq instead.
O say, does it matter that there were no WMDs?
O’er the land of large oil reserves and the home of new strategic military bases.

On other shore dimly seen thro’ our satellite surveillance cameras,
Where the foe’s naughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which we see, o’er the border, in Iran,
An ‘allegedly’ suspect nuclear program it half conceals, half discloses.
Now it catches the gleam of the Neoconic dream,
To pre-emptively attack in full glory, another sovereign nation in full stream
‘Tis the star-scrambled bummer: O, another faux war
O’er the another land of large oil reserves and the home of strategic military advantage for Israel‘s sake.

And here is that band who so vauntingly swore
To create the havoc of war and in the battle’s confusion,
remove citizens’ rights and corrode the constitution.

Iraqi blood has wash’d out their foul footsteps’ pollution (or so they think).
No refuge could save the citizen slave
From the terror of (another) faux impending attack or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-scrambled bummer in triumph doth wave
O’er the land of the indifferent and the home of the unlawfully detained.

O thus be it never when free-men shall stand
Between their home and the war’s desolation;
Blest with Globalism, may the corporate-sponsored land
Praise the Pow’r that hath made this a complete fascist nation
Then conquer we must, no matter how clearly unjust,
And this be our motto: “In avarice we trust!”
And the star-scrambled bummer in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the controlled and the home of the scared!

–

Inspired by

Super Bush is a non-fictional superhero, in the Neocomic Universe, created by the members of the PNAC, he has become the world’s most infamous, enduring yet comical superheroes.

Rather unlike Phoenix rising from the ashes, Super Bush emerged more like a putrid stench emerging from the sewers of New York after the September 11^th attack on the World Trade Center. Although believed to be originally from another planet, it was later discovered that Super Bush actually makes his home on ranch in Texas. Despite this fact, most people still believe he is from another planet, as he seems completely out of touch with reality.

The origin of his super powers, reside with his handlers in all the prominent government departments including the Congress. From warrant-less wiretaps, collecting telephone records, holding alleged terror suspects without legal protection, and tracking millions of financial records of Americans, Super Bush’s powers seem to be growing by leaps and bounds every single day.

Super Bush uses all these powers to protect Americans from the dreaded evil-doers…or so we are told. The ubiquitous arch-enemy of Super Bush, is the evil organization: Al Qaeda Corp, headed by the wicked Lex Ossama Bin Luthor. Although Lex Ossama is rarely seen in public or ever caught by Super Bush, he manages to release audio or video tapes at regular intervals to scare the pants of the general public, and cause leakage in Super Bush’s wonder pants with excitement, as Super Bush is able to grab even more powers to control the American populace as a result.

Super Bush’s most annoying and fiercest opponents are the civil liberties organizations. They seem to think that he is the biggest eradicator of human rights, since the Mighty Hitler of Deutschland with his silly little mustache. Human Rights group wonder if Super Bush’s end will be similar to that of Herr Adolf, the bastard.

Super Bush’s greatest ally in his fight against humanity is the mainstream media collectively known as the Daily Plankton. They are responsible for shoveling the super sh*t that spews from the mouth of Super Bush and bringing it directly to the homes of the general public.

As of now, there seems to be no end to the growing powers of Super Bush. With each terror threat (real or imagined) his powers grow ten fold. Majority of the public seems to be fine with it. “Oh, help yourself, have some more of our rights, we don’t need ‘em!” they seem to say. What they fail to realize is that the Super Bush’s biggest enemy is not Lex Ossama but the people themselves.

“What is that? … Is it a bird?… Is it a plane?” No! it is another one of your rights being swallowed and pissed down the toilet by Super Bush, so wake the F**k up!!

I was asked by the Opinions Editor of Gulf News, to provide a brief comment on what Bloggers have to say regarding the death of Abu Musab Al-zarqawi. Below is my reply, which incidently made the front page of today’s Gulf News accompanying a breaking story questioning the circumstances of Al-zarqawi’s death. Unfortunately, there’s no online link to my comments on the Gulf News site, so you will have just have to take my word for it that it appeared on the front page OR buy yourself a copy of today’s Gulf News. Following is my opinion piece in full, which was further edited due to space constraints (or so I assume) on the front page of GN.

Bloggers Doubt Veracity of official Version

The Blogging world is a buzz again with the recent news of the death of Abu Mussab Al-zarqawi. As is the norm in the blogging community, the official version of any prominent event has to be scrutinized for validity and truth. As a result, a lot of questions have cropped regarding the official version of Al-zarqawi’s demise.

According to CNN website, “Al-Zarqawi was alive when US troops reached the mortally wounded terrorist leader after a US bombing raid”. Now, although none of the bloggers are mourning the death of Al Zarqawi (at least none of the sane ones), some have highlighted interesting questions regarding the official story of the bombing raid. Two, 500-pound bombs were dropped on a concrete hideout which as a result was blown to smithereens, and all that was left in the end was brick rubble, yet Al Zarqawi, who was mortally wounded, remained in a single piece and got carried away on a stretcher before he died. How did he manage that? Could it be for the possibility of a morbid PR press photo of his dead face and celebration of a US precision bombing campaign? Logically, shouldn’t his body have been in pieces after that kind of bombing, and his skin burnt off? Could it be that Al-Zarqawi was killed elsewhere and then claimed as dead due to this bombing raid? The official version of the death of one child (in this incident) has now been revised to include three other women. Now, a new element of the story unfolds that says that women’s (sexy) lingerie was also discovered in the rubble. Is this being done to embarrass the Muslims or just big-up the playboy image of Al-zarkawi?

Other bloggers have pointed out to older news reports that claimed Al-zarkawi died in 2003. There is also the question as to why this attack on Al-zarkawi hideout happened now, is it because President Bush’s approval rating rests at an all time low (near his IQ level)?

Are we being conditioned to accept the official version for a future terrorist attack on American soil? God forbid something like that does happen, the first reactions will probably be, “You see, Al Qaeda took revenge for killing Al-zarkawi!” Some bloggers are forced to be this cynical because of their experience of 9-11, where they discovered more holes in the official Whitehouse version of that event than a slice of Swiss cheese.

The point is, bloggers ask questions that may be conspiratorial, overtly obvious, logical, intelligent or even downright stupid. They do this because others are not willing to.

By The Olive Ream (a blogger)

X: Psst! Did you see this story in the newspaper?

Y: Yes, I did. Another ‘alleged’ terrorist arrested attempting to blow-up a building.

X: Say, are you a Pakinisian?

Y: No I am not a Pakistani, but I am of Arab origin, if that’s what you meant.

X: Don’t it bother you that so many Moslems are dying in Iraq?

Y: Yes it does but it isn’t just Iraq.

X: You must do something about it.

Y: Like what?

X: Take some action, buddy!

Y: I do protest by writing my opinions on a few websites and…

X: Nobody reads that! You must take action. You must retaliate against what is happening to you Moslems.

Y: Retaliate? You mean protest on the streets against the government?!

X: No, no! What good would that do? Plus, you could get arrested for doing that these days.

Y: So what are you suggesting?

X: You know, blow some stuff up…it’ll get you the attention.

Y: Ah! I see, well…let me just say that you might have mistaken me for an escapee from the mental asylum but I assure you I am not. In fact, I will go further to suggest that you commit yourself in an institution.

X: Oh, c’mon! Do it! Do it for your Moslem brothers and sisters. Here, I’ve got details instructions on the ‘How To’ in these notes, in Arabic. I’ll just stuff this in your bagpack.

Y: Piss off! … and stop sniffing diesel oil, it’s killing your brain cells.

X: I’ve got these blue-prints for various prominent locations and I…

Y: Go sell crazy to someone else. In fact, let me direct you to the Department of Homeland Security. They desperately need loons like you to parade on television.

X: Well, how about some bags of fertilizer I have stored in my warehouse. I can give those to you and other household items to build your self some dangerous explosive and then you..

Y: I don’t need bags of fertilizer from you!! There’s enough bullshit coming out of your mouth to fertilize most of Wyoming. Now, leave!

X: Listen brother. I’ve already have you assigned as a leader to our yet undisclosed organization. I’ve been following you for months, and by the way, the instructions, blue prints, 80 bags of fertilizer and 8 large thin crust pizzas are being delivered to your home as we speak.

Y: Who the hell are you?!

X: I am undercover officer of the Anti-Terror squad, and you my friend, are under arrest!

Y: WTF?! What for?!

X: For being the leader of an evil terror organization that was planning to attack prominent landmarks and we have the evidence to prove it, as it has just been delivered to your home.

Y: This is a bloody set-up!! I want to call my lawyer..

X: You don’t get a lawyer, remember? You are classified as ‘enemy combatant’. Now do me a favor, just keep your mouth shut and don’t shave for the next few days because we’ve got the PR press photos planned for this bust for Tuesday and we need you looking evil and beardy.

Y: Sigh.

X: Don’t sulk. You’ll be famous. You might even be qualified as so dangerous that DHS will shift the threat level up one category and that is something you can be really proud of.

–

Inspired by this