the olive ream

…. OR HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS.

I was interviewed (again) by Cristopher Lydon of Radio Open Source a few days back. I would like to thank him for the opportunity for allowing me to rant. Although I had two pages of notes prepared in my attempt to sound sensible, I forgot to refer to them and instead spoke impromptu. The result are answers filled with umms, uhhs, long pauses and repeating the word ‘basically’ about a few hundred times during the course of the interview.

You can hear me sounding off here.

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A series of short documentary clips that explain how mainstream news and war reporting is redacted, ‘heroic’ events are staged, how facts are fudged, spun or down right ignored.

Warning: Some scenes are very graphic…but that shouldn’t stop you from watching these videos.

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3

PART 4

PART 5

PART 6

PART 7

PART 8

PART 9

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Dear Mr./President/General Musharraf,

The War On Terror Executive Committee is pleased to present you with your exclusive WOT Privilege Card, to be used at your discretion.

As a member of this elite club, this card allows you innumerable benefits (including and not limited to):
- Declaring “emergency”
- Suspending the Constitution
- Replacing the judiciary
- Setting up your choice interim government
- Arresting, detaining and mistreating lawyers, media personnel, human rights activists, students, and protestors in general.
- Shutting down cable news channels
- Holding suspect/staged elections
- Basically, anything that you can think up to cater to the whims of your colossal ego as apparently, you are the only one who knows what is right for Pakistan.

All these benefits are yours under the label of “war on terror”. Who knew it would be that simple?!

Please note that the use of this card is limited to Pakistan only. Other despot WOT Privilege card members have rights to similar benefits within their own countries, except for the US Administration who currently possesses the only Platinum WOT Privilege card which can be used globally.

Thank you for banking on us,

The WOT Executive Committee, in association with the Society of Fascists for the Advancement of Globalism

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This blog is silent until further notice. Meanwhile, you can read my GV post instead.

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… for Rant

He had been planning this attack for ages. He waited when she was at her most vulnerable and then raided her home with the intention of invading not just her privacy. He ripped off his scruples, gave into avarice and pounced on her. He tore up her country to usurp her bountiful resource(s). She screamed as he tried to massage her ego by saying this is what she wanted and then planted a big, wet puppet regime on her. She tried to resist but he utilized the terrorist cells to weaken her and blamed her for her own lack of security. Her screams were never heard as he controlled all her media channels. He played inside her ‘green zone’ while his blackwater proxies targeted her innocent civilians to weaken her further. She cried with pain and tried feebly to attack his permanent military bases but to no avail. He was determined to spread his democracy, in order to try to screw her freedom. Her neighbor heard her screams and called for help but that only turned him on more as he talked dirty by shouting profanities and fantasized about ravaging her neighbor while violating his current victim. The other G8ers watched the attack as the voyeuristic perverts that they are and no one came to her aid. They were far too impressed by the size of his military industrial complex. There was no end to his neoconic madness. The 08 presidential candidates complained about his actions but they could not muster enough courage to even collectively do anything to make him stop. They were all too busy thinking about taking over from him once he was done, especially with the photoshoped surveillance provided by the Israeli intelligence, they were all eyeing the neighbor as their own victim. The masses saw the rise of his police state and fell silent in fear of getting screwed themselves. He screamed as he reached his oil peak, his currency devalued while his stock markets collapsed with exhaustion. His massive empire finally fell. He suddenly realized what he had done, but it was too late, his future was already in ruins.

The End.

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Ladies and Gentlemen,

It gives me an unnecessary amount of pleasure to introduce to you…

WWW. QUINGE.COM

This is something I’ve been working on for the past few weeks, along with Dr. Awab and my brother (who doesn’t blog as it is against his religion). I hope you enjoy the site, especially the podcast section. Please help spread the word, and send me cash if you feel the need to do so.

On a more serious note, if you are interested in contributing articles/stories for quinge let me know…

’nuff said!

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EMT: We need a doctor here, quick!

Dr. Me: I’m here, tell me.

EMT: We’ve got a blog here by the name of Olive Ream, 2 years and a few months old. Flatline.

Dr. Me: How long has it been down?

EMT: Exact duration unknown. A regular reader found the blog inactive for several weeks and reported it in. We’ve worked on reviving it. Gave it two rounds of eppy and two of atrophine.

Dr. Me: Any signs of life?

EMT: Registered a faint pulse earlier but now we can’t even pick up on that.

Dr. Me: Thanks! We’ll take it from here. Alright, we need to get it on a monitor, people!

Dr. Myself: Sure, I’ll do it. I want someone to the check ventilation.

Dr. I: Can I help?

Dr. Me: Yeah, you can do a rectal temperature reading.

Dr. I: That sucks! Why do I always get the shitty jobs….literally!

Dr. Me: Monitor’s up. No readable pulse.

Dr. Myself: Asystole?

Dr. Me: Likely. No planned posts and no spontaneous rants either on the blog.

Dr. I: Any response to external stimuli, such as reader’s comments on the last post?

Dr. Me: None. And pupils are fixed and dilated.

Dr. Myself: Okay, so no corneal reflex either. Let’s have a high dose of eppy, a pulse ox and title CO2 detector.

Dr. I: Are you making this sh*t up?!

Dr. Myself: No. I saw it on an episode of ER.

Dr.I: Oh!

Dr. Me: Get the paddles, let’s shock the blog bastard into life. Crank it up to 50. No, wait! Make it 60.

Dr. Myself: Clear!

Dr. I: Nothing. No change in pulse.

Dr. Me: Alright, let’s try another dose of shock treatment. I know it will respond. Tape the eyelids open, and make the blog watch Fox News.

[One minute later]

Dr. I: Damn! Nothing. No response. No new posts so far.

Dr: Me: Alright another eppy. 7 milligrams.

Dr: I: I’ll resume with the chest compressions.

Dr. Myself: Good, keep bagging it. Start it on a dopamine drip, while I read out some news articles from the mainstream news paper. That ought to certainly get the attention of the blog. Hey, here’s a good one, Karl Rove quits!

[Five minutes later]

Dr. I: Nothing! Absolutely, no response to anything. Damn it! Did I forget to insert the rectal thermometer?

Dr. Me: No, you didn’t.

Dr. I: Phew!

Dr. Me: Yes, but you stuck it in me instead.

Dr. I: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll take it out.

Dr. Me: No, leave it. I’m rather enjoying it at the moment.

Dr. Myself: Give me the paddles! I’m setting it at 80. Charging… Clear!

Dr. I: Is that a beep?

Dr. Me: Yes but the beeps are random, there’s no rhythm yet.

Dr. Myself: Damn it! The beeps are getting more sporadic. Oh, no! The blog is flat-lining again!

Dr. Me: Even if we do revive the blog at this late stage, there’s likely to be brain damage. I’m not reading any alpha, theta, delta frequencies currently. It is likely that there might not be any new and original posts in the future for this blog even it had been fully resuscitated.

Dr. Myself: Should we call it then?

Dr. Me: I think so. We’ve done all we can.

Dr. Myself: Alright, time of death, eight forty tw…..

Dr. I: No, wait! What’s this? … this just fell out of its pocket.

Dr. Me: What is it?

Dr. I: It is a note. Looks like a shopping list. Give me the paddles, I’m setting it at 80 and I’ll shock him again. Charging…… Clear!

Dr. Me: We’ve got a pulse…and it is rhythmic!

Dr. Myself: It is a strong one…at 120. BP’s 100!

Dr. Me: Good call, Dr. I! The blog seems to be activated again.

Dr. Myself: But how did you know?

Dr. I: I just saw the grocery shopping list and I thought that it probably qualifies as a post, as these days any drivel can make it to a blog.

Dr: Me: Let me see the list.

GROCERY LIST

1. A bitter pill for the globalists to swallow so they can realize that not all their sordid schemes will work out the way that they’ve planned.
2. A Forbidden Fruit for every self-righteous, over-zealous, ultra-religious nut bags who believes they are responsible for showing everyone the right path and punishing those who don’t follow their way.
3. A bunch of sour grapes for all the sad gits who hoped Pakistan would not make it to 60 years.
4. A tissue of lies (regurgitated by the mainstream media) that I can use to blow my nose or better yet, wipe my ass with!
5. A pint of milk of human kindness for all humanity – I know we could all do with some more.

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It’s been more than a fortnight since I became a father [Applause]. I could blather on endlessly about how deeply moving the whole experience is about becoming a father (for the first time) and how profound the love one feels for a new born child BUT I’m not going to do that here. I would rather take this opportunity to reveal an observation I’ve made since my son was born and that is, all new-born babies are very similar to fascist leaders and military dictators. Allow me to elucidate and pontificate (all at the same time, while holding my breath and standing on one leg).

Coup d’é•tat: With a sudden and decisive overthrow of government, the new-born has taken control of my home and I have been involuntarily drafted into the service of my child. All natural (and unnatural) resources will now be utilized to cater to the needs of this tiny dictator.

Removal of opposition in high government positions: My position as the primary decision maker in the house has now been relegated to that of an observer. Like the Chief Justice of Pakistan I was forcefully removed from office. Apparently, I know nothing about handling a new-born baby, as I don’t know when to feed or burp the little general. I only end up annoying him by waking him at the wrong time and therefore I cannot be part of his government. I am currently in the process of rounding up supporters and holding a mass demonstration in front of the baby’s crib.

Martial Law: All aspects of my life including my required sojourns to the W.C. are now dictated by the time-table set by this wee fascist. My movement is restricted and a curfew is set on the amount of time I can browse the internet or watch the news. Moreover, it is very unlikely that I will ever get relief from my house-arrest, as my wife has specifically made it clear that she needs help with the baby so “you ain’t going nowhere!”

Regrettable alliances: All known and many unknown (frightfully suspicious) relatives insisted on seeing the baby as soon as we brought him home from the hospital. There were some within this crowd of baby sycophants, who I as a parent, particularly don’t like (despise to be more precise) and I prayed that the baby times his projectile vomiting to target these specific individuals. Unfortunately, the baby just like a military general (who also happens to be the president of your home) decided to form alliances with these individuals in order to gain further popularity amongst the masses of the these distant family members. He did this by behaving perfectly when he was embraced in the unholy bosoms of these individuals. I’m quite sure though that he will grow up to regret his decision not to regurgitate his last meal while being cuddled by these party members as they gobbled down the last of the ladoos (sweets), while their children (junior party members) ran riot and caused irrevocable damage (to my expensive coffee table). The little shits will pay for that one day as I exact my revenge by visiting their house (in a few years) and have my son demolish something really expensive like a 90 inch flat screen television (if I’m lucky).

Refusal to give up the uniform: Just like a military dictator who ‘elects’ himself as President and also remains the chief of army staff, and refuses to give up his uniform, the baby screams his head off as soon as I try to unbutton his romper in time for his bath.

Restriction on Free Speech: As based on the whims of repressive leaders, the baby has tendency to get upset at odd times (based on his mood) to any sound that comes from my mouth. Some days I can talk and “coochie-coo” the hell out of the little despot and on other days I have to keep my gob shut because his infant holiness will not tolerate any verbal discourse in his near vicinity.

Human Rights Abuse / Torture: Currently under practice at all fine covert detention facilities around the world, sleep depravation is the most common form of torture utilized for the War On Terror interrogations. This form of torture is preferred not just by fascist governments but also by my son. He utilizes this inhumane technique to keep me completely unhinged and subservient. Currently, my wife and I are averaging about an hour of sleep every night.

Usurping of public property for personal gain: As is the habit of most dictators, the baby also stakes claim to property which is not rightfully his. Specifically, the baby now owns my side of the bed, even though he does have his own cot to sleep in. I have been quarantined to a sofa in the living room for my 1 hour of nightly slumber.

Privatization of national assets: This is a characteristic move made by most fascist leaders (supported by the United States) during their generally tumultuous rule. They sell off all key national assets to foreign/private investors. The presence of a new-born baby also results in a similar move often suggested by the mother.

Mother: “You know the bedroom cabinet that houses your TV, stereo and DVD player?”

Father: “Yes, I’m familiar with it as it contains my favourite things.”

Mother: “Well, that cabinet just has to go including all of its contents. Sell the damn things if you want but get rid of them immediately because we need to make space for his lordship’s crib and changing table.”

Freedom of the Press: No matter how democratic and open the claims by an autocratic government to the freedom of the press, there is ALWAYS news and information that is censored. Similarly, the news and information about the baby that is shared amongst friends and relatives is also open to scrutiny and censorship by the mother. “Now, don’t go around telling all your friends about how many times the baby cries and how much he keeps us awake at night. He doesn’t need bad press right now, especially as he has not even completed his 100 days in office!”

Government Waste: No matter how many promises we have heard regarding the reduction in the size of the government, there always seems to disproportionate amount of waste created by the same government on useless public programs. In the same manner, no matter how little milk the baby consumes during the day, the amount of waste produced by the little Mussolini is shockingly disproportionate based on the exceedingly large number of diapers he uses up during the course of a 24 hour period.

That reminds me, I better be off as I’ve registered myself for a two-day HAZMAT (Hazardous Material) Handling and Disposal Training course. My wife insists that I have to help with the diaper change.

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I’ve spent the last 2 months researching the prime candidates for the next US Presidential race. Actually, that’s not quite true. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes browsing around the internet for something interesting to highlight but I have to say what I discovered was worthy of serious, global attention.

I’m sure you are all well aware of the more popular Republican politicians who have thrown their names in 2008 Presidential hat. For example, there’s Sam, Jim, Newt, Rudy, Mike, Fred, Tom, Chuck, Sneazy, Dopey, Tito and Asshead. Well, apart from the last four, all others are for real, (if you don’t believe me google the list of republican candidates).

There is however, one Republican candidate that immediately stands out far above the rest. He is not too well known amongst the populace and is certainly not among the political cohorts in Washington DC, who have made a career for themselves in government. His name is Philip Silva and he has officially announced his candidacy for 2008 Presidential race. I for one would like to thank him personally for doing that and hope he wins in 08. Why I am so thrilled about his candidacy? Please read on…

Philip Silva legally changed his name in 1996 to Saint Michael Jesus the Archangel. A former janitor who is now a self-employed writer, he describes himself as a “radical conservative republican”. He claims to be a Vietnam War veteran, which is impressive. He also claims to have been “volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency without pay” which is even more impressive, as I’m sure you all will agree. In reference to his current name, he says “From the time I was a little boy I knew I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn’t dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder me.” So you see, we are all in the presence of greatness here.

I managed to skim through his official Presidential campaign web site and highlight for you below, some of the key points from his manifesto:

Abortion:

I will outlaw by Executive Order all abortion in America because it has committed genocide against 40 to 50 million innocent helpless babies in America alone which cannot be tolerated any longer in a country that, according to a Supreme Court decision, is officially Christian.

Gay Marriage:

I will outlaw queer marriage by Executive Order because a Christian country cannot and should not tolerate what My Holy Word, the Bible, calls an ‘abomination’.

Economy

During My Campaign I will work to convince Archangel/President Gabuthelon George W. Bush to have the Congress pass the National Economic Stabilization And Recovery Act on the Internet atNESARA so he can sign it into law.

World Peace

I will work vigorously and pro-actively for World Peace when I take office in honor of My wife, the Blessed Virgin Mary Michelle (her middle name which I gave her as it is the feminine of Michael) who promised an “era of peace” when Pope Benedict XVI consecrates Russia in union with the Church’s bishops to her Immaculate Heart.

As soon as possible after taking office, I will commence buying for the United Domains Of Heaven other pacified countries’ bombs, mines, large ammunition, rockets, tanks, armored vehicles, artillery and other metal weapons of war that have become obsolete or unnecessary to melt them down and to use the metal to cast Heavenly coins to promote the peace and building Heaven on Earth. Warplanes, ships, submarines and other military vehicles will be allowed to remain for use in peaceful missions. I will establish a USA Department of Peace to teach the nations non-violent conflict resolution methods like My idea several years ago of having nations involved in verbal conflicts settle them with paintball wars, and provide for our troops to help the nations to train their disbanded military forces to be peace officers.

Reserve Bank

The United Domains Of Heaven Cosmic Reserve Bank will sell Our largest Banknotes to governments at the discount for legitimate and free governments in efforts to support the writing and adoption of American-style Constitutions which will do away with religious persecution, leftist political slavery and taxation which will be made unnecessary.

United Nations

I will confiscate the UN building with American troops, send all the socialist ambassadors there home, and turn it into the Headquarters of the United Domains Of Heaven On Earth, thus crippling the conspiracy of the Illuminati, the Bilderbergers, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Federal Reserve and other bankers and financiers, the Trilateral Commission, and the New Agers to subject the whole world to a Satanic to their homosexual pedophile One World Government run through the United Nations and its One World Religion, the blasphemous New Age Movement.

Islam and American Muslims

Since belief in Islam and the Koran is inconsistent with American freedom of religion because Islam believes in freedom of religion only for Muslims, and since they teach that Christians and Jews are “infidels” or pagans … all “American” Muslims will be given one month after I am elected to renounce their belief.

Palestine

I will buy from the Palestinians and other Arabs living between the Euphrates River and the Nile River all of that land which We gave to Israel in My Holy Word for eternity, and those Arabs will then have enough Heavenly Money to re-settle their people in other lands, perhaps Jordan where they’re really from and where they belong.

Now, I could go on quoting from his site but you can get the general gist of the profundity in his thinking. I highly recommend you go through his web site in detail, if you have a few free days at your disposal because it is very long read and exceptionally well designed with many interesting links.

Let’s all pray to the Head Quarters of the United Domain of Heaven on Earth, that come the next US Presidential election, he gets the recognition he deserves.

For those in doubt if he is real, check out his:

- name on the list of Republican candidates
- Presidential Campaign site
- News about his arrest on attempted homicide

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I receive about on average of 17 million ‘business proposal’ emails every week. I finally replied to one of them because I thought it was deserving of a response. Below is the actual email and my response to it.

Miss Cleo, please see answers/comments [in bold.]

From Miss Joy Cleo
Abidjan Cote D’ Ivoire
EMAIL; xxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.fr

Dearly Beloved, […we are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman, in the holy bond of matrimony?]

Thanks for your reply. [You're most welcome, although I never emailed you before but I'm sure you consider that fact irrelevant]. Based on your profile I am happy to request for your assistance [and what profile would that be exactly; my profile on the Sad Gits Unsolicited Email Group or my profile on the Suckers Anonymous Forum?] and also to go into business partnership with you. [oh?! and here I thought you emailed me because you loved me…sigh!] I believe that you will not betrayed my trust which I am going to lay on you. [Good heavens, no! Me? Betray(ed) your trust? Never! Lay it on me thick, fast and in copiously large quantities.]

I am Miss Joy Cleo, 23years old [Really?! Judging by the content of this email, I am guessing that you're a fat, balding, 47 year old sleaze bag con artist] and the daughter of my parents. [How fortunate you are not to be a daughter of someone else's parents – that would be a real bummer I should imagine.] My father was a highly reputable magnet-[Would that be a fridge magnet or a babe magnet?] who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. [And where did he operate during his nights?] It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in one of his business trips abroad. [It is even sadder for me to say that I am sorry about his ambiguous demise.]

But God knows the truth! [Indeed, He does, hallelujah!] My mother died when I was just 5 years old [Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Was it a mysterious death?] and since then my father took me so special. [My father only took me to Disneyland] Before his death on February 15th 2004 he called the secretary [would that be the Secretary of the Treasury?] who accompanied him to the hospital [how fortunate that your father managed to have company around for his 'mysterious' death at the hospital] and told him that he has the sum of Twelve Million five hundreds thousand United State Dollars.(USD$12 500 000) left in a security company in a metallic trunk box, but the security company didn’t know the contents because it was registered as family treasure and valuables items for security reasons. [Yes, I can understand the words 'family treasure and valuables items' can be a deceptively vague description for prospective thieves, as most likely they thought it contained gerbil food and dog biscuits.]

I am a university graduate [as apparent by the eloquence of your email] and really don’t know what to do. [Don't worry, most graduates are clueless]. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incest political crisis here in Ivory coast. [I was aware of the political corruption and turmoil but sexual relations with your relatives is certainly news to me]. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. [No doubt, but I'm sure the news of the whopping bags of cash, in metal box he left for you, must have brought you some amount of joy.] Sir, I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. For you to assist me in this transaction i will offer you %25 percent of the totall sum. [Make it 65%, plus I'll take the extra 'L' in 'totall' and you've got yourself a deal.]

Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. [Well then, you can start by printing out this reply on a piece of sandpaper, crumpling it up and neatly inserting it in the orifice located on your backside. Once this task is completed, bang your head against a brick wall 7 times and then commit yourself at the nearest mental institution.]

Please if you have any question to ask me do not delay to contact me on my above email address. [Would you take it amiss, if I told you to drop dead?... in a mysterious sort of way of course] I await your urgent response as soon as possible. [Sod off!]

Thanks and best regards. [love and kisses]

Miss Joy Cleo

11 comments