the olive ream

I receive about on average of 17 million ‘business proposal’ emails every week. I finally replied to one of them because I thought it was deserving of a response. Below is the actual email and my response to it.

Miss Cleo, please see answers/comments [in bold.]

From Miss Joy Cleo
Abidjan Cote D’ Ivoire
EMAIL; xxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.fr

Dearly Beloved, […we are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman, in the holy bond of matrimony?]

Thanks for your reply. [You're most welcome, although I never emailed you before but I'm sure you consider that fact irrelevant]. Based on your profile I am happy to request for your assistance [and what profile would that be exactly; my profile on the Sad Gits Unsolicited Email Group or my profile on the Suckers Anonymous Forum?] and also to go into business partnership with you. [oh?! and here I thought you emailed me because you loved me…sigh!] I believe that you will not betrayed my trust which I am going to lay on you. [Good heavens, no! Me? Betray(ed) your trust? Never! Lay it on me thick, fast and in copiously large quantities.]

I am Miss Joy Cleo, 23years old [Really?! Judging by the content of this email, I am guessing that you're a fat, balding, 47 year old sleaze bag con artist] and the daughter of my parents. [How fortunate you are not to be a daughter of someone else's parents – that would be a real bummer I should imagine.] My father was a highly reputable magnet-[Would that be a fridge magnet or a babe magnet?] who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. [And where did he operate during his nights?] It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in one of his business trips abroad. [It is even sadder for me to say that I am sorry about his ambiguous demise.]

But God knows the truth! [Indeed, He does, hallelujah!] My mother died when I was just 5 years old [Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Was it a mysterious death?] and since then my father took me so special. [My father only took me to Disneyland] Before his death on February 15th 2004 he called the secretary [would that be the Secretary of the Treasury?] who accompanied him to the hospital [how fortunate that your father managed to have company around for his 'mysterious' death at the hospital] and told him that he has the sum of Twelve Million five hundreds thousand United State Dollars.(USD$12 500 000) left in a security company in a metallic trunk box, but the security company didn’t know the contents because it was registered as family treasure and valuables items for security reasons. [Yes, I can understand the words 'family treasure and valuables items' can be a deceptively vague description for prospective thieves, as most likely they thought it contained gerbil food and dog biscuits.]

I am a university graduate [as apparent by the eloquence of your email] and really don’t know what to do. [Don't worry, most graduates are clueless]. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incest political crisis here in Ivory coast. [I was aware of the political corruption and turmoil but sexual relations with your relatives is certainly news to me]. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. [No doubt, but I'm sure the news of the whopping bags of cash, in metal box he left for you, must have brought you some amount of joy.] Sir, I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. For you to assist me in this transaction i will offer you %25 percent of the totall sum. [Make it 65%, plus I'll take the extra 'L' in 'totall' and you've got yourself a deal.]

Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. [Well then, you can start by printing out this reply on a piece of sandpaper, crumpling it up and neatly inserting it in the orifice located on your backside. Once this task is completed, bang your head against a brick wall 7 times and then commit yourself at the nearest mental institution.]

Please if you have any question to ask me do not delay to contact me on my above email address. [Would you take it amiss, if I told you to drop dead?... in a mysterious sort of way of course] I await your urgent response as soon as possible. [Sod off!]

Thanks and best regards. [love and kisses]

Miss Joy Cleo

There’s a mosque here in Dubai, with two separate entrances. The main entrance leads one to the main prayer hall and a second entrance to the side of the mosque displays the following sign:

For those unable to understand Arabic or Urdu, the sign in English presents a very different meaning. When it first caught my eye, I was like, “Ooh, I’m in here!”

And before anyone of you claim that this is blashphemy, let me just clarify that God does have a sense of humour. How else would you explain the Duckbill Platypus or even George W. Bush, for example?

Sung to the tune of My Way

And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, is only Bush, that much is clear,
We’re both war criminals, of that I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life, full of misdeeds,
Left trails of dead bodies on Iraqi highways,
And more, much more than this,
I screwed up My Way.

Regrets? I should have so many,
But then again, I can’t recall to mention
I did what I was told by Bush
And saw it through without exception
The US planned each charted course
each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this,
I still claimed it My Way.

Yes all the time, I’m sure you knew
When we bit off, more than we could chew
But through it all, as was our goal
We ate it up and swallowed whole
The sovereign rights of an entire nation
And did it Our Way.

I’ve loved kissing Bush’s arse,
I’ve laughed and hardly cried,
I’ve had my fill, my share of brown nosing
and now as sanity subsides
I find it all so amusing
to think I did all that
and may I say not in a shy way

Oh no, oh no not me
I did it My Way

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not usurping another country’s oil reserves, then he has naught.
Possessed by avarice, one hardly feels,
Which makes it easy for the one who steals.
The record shows
Iraqis took the blows –
All because I did it my way!

Cool Facts About Israel

And now, the Not So Cool Facts About Israel

Sit back, relax and enjoy the show!

You’ll feel right as rain after watching this.

…one afternoon in March

So this is how it all happened. Ajoka, a non-commercial theatre group committed to the cause of social change in Pakistan, unveiled its new play Burqavaganza last month in Lahore. The satirical play, written by Shahid Nadeem, addresses the issue of the burqa (veil) and highlights the double-standards and hypocrisy of the feudal/tribal mindset. The aim was to use humour and satire to challenge the cultural status quo and to provoke people to think for themselves.

The audience thoroughly enjoyed the show and the play received positive reviews in the press. But the most surprising response to the play came from a rather astute group of individuals belonging to the MMA (more popularly known as Mullah Military Alliance). Inspired by the success of the Burqavaganza, five extremely talented MNAs decided to perform their own impromptu over-the-top ‘drama‘ in the National Assembly. The play imaginatively titled Fanativaganza (by yours truly), was a staged rebuttal to the Ajoka group’s play. Substituting the use of satire, the inspired MNAs opted for provocative language and violent hand gestures to ridicule the writer of Burqvaganza and the Director of the Ajoka theatre group. Apparently, to these five highly sensitive and pious individuals, the Burqavaganza play was clearly un-Islamic, enough to be classified as blasphemous. Although, it has to be clarified that these days, any critique, criticism, aspersion, censure, swipe or nitpicking of the norms and practices of these religious extremists will likely lead to a blasphemy charge, even if it is a comment regarding the general unruliness of their beards.

One minor clarification here, they cannot be called religious fundamentalists. This is because they fail to grasp the fundamentals of the religion they claim to be following. ‘Nutters’ is more appropriate and generally my preference.

The MNA performed drama did not get a positive response from the public or the press, but it did manage to get a standing ovation from the Minister of Culture, who subsequently announced a government ban on the Burqavaganza play to show his appreciation for the drama queens of the national assembly. He was so moved by the MMA performance that he additionally promised further government actions against the key members of the Ajoka Theatre group. I have to admit, as a Pakistani citizen, hearing this news brought a lump to my throat. It wasn’t that I was emotional, it just happened to be part of the process of me regurgitating my last meal, as I got sick to my stomach.

It is clear now that the government’s attempt at promoting ‘enlightened moderation’ in reference to religion has not been very successful. Actually, that is an understatement; it has been an unquestionable, resounding failure. I do admit though that they have managed to create an era of (religious) ‘moderated enlightenment’. When your faith is judged by the size of your beard or measured by the length of your veil, you are in serious, serious trouble!

Thank you to Raza for inspiring me to restart my photoblog here.

Remember me.

I will be with you in the grave
on the night you leave behind
your shop and your family.
When you hear my soft voice
echoing in your tomb,
you will realize
that you were never hidden from my eyes.
I am the pure awareness within your heart,
with you during joy and celebration,
suffering and despair.

On that strange and fateful night
you will hear a familar voice –
you’ll be rescued from the fangs of snakes
and the searing sting of scorpions.
The euphoria of love will sweep over your grave;
it will bring wine and friends, candles and food.

When the light of realization dawns,
shouting and upheaval
will rise up from the graves!
The dust of ages will be stirred
by the cities of ecstasy,
by the banging of drums,
by the clamor of revolt!

Dead bodies will tear off their shrouds
and stuff their ears in fright–
What use are the senses and the ears
before the blast of that Trumpet?

Look and you will see my form
whether you are looking at yourself
or toward that noise and confusion.

Don’t be blurry-eyed,
See me clearly-
See my beauty without the old eyes of delusion.

Beware! Beware!
Don’t mistake me for this human form.
The soul is not obscured by forms.
Even if it were wrapped in a hundred folds of felt
the rays of the soul’s light
would still shine through.

Beat the drum,
Follow the minstrels of the city.
It’s a day of renewal
when every young man
walks boldly on the path of love.

Had everyone sought God
Instead of crumbs and copper coins
T’hey would not be sitting on the edge of the moat
in darkness and regret.

What kind of gossip-house
have you opened in our city?
Close your lips
and shine on the world
like loving sunlight.

Shine like the Sun of Tabriz rising in the East.
Shine like the star of victory.
Shine like the whole universe is yours

translated by Jonathan Star
“Rumi – In the Arms of the Beloved”

“I before E except after C” is a mnemonic device that helps me remember the rule for spelling certain words in the English language, such as deceive and siege when I’m describing the actions of the Bush Administration. There’s also a less known memory aid which I qualify as “I before SY when preceded by a ‘Hypo’ “. This writing standard helps formulate the word hypocrisy, which describes the current global, rather repugnant, political status quo.

Allow me to pontificate on the absurdity of their logic. A South Vietnamese student goes on a murderous rampage on a college campus and he is to be seen as ‘deranged psychopath’ (and rightly so). A neocon led army goes on a murderous rampage in sovereign nation and we are supposed to classify that as ‘spreading peace and democracy’. That’s rather an absurd logic, don’t you think? Skewed so far off course, you can’t even see its connection to reality.

18 british sailors accused of spying, are detained for two weeks by Iranian authorities. They suffer severe torture for two strenuous weeks. Initially blindfolded and then isolated they are then further tormented by being well fed, given cigarette breaks, allowed to lounge around and play table tennis and board games, given new suits to wear and then finally released after receiving a gift bag each. We (the public) are then expected to sympathize with the tremendous suffering of these 18 admitted spies (according to the Sky News) who vacationed in Iran for a fortnight and then released to make money by selling their stories.

Along with the detention of the alleged Al Qaeda, Taliban and the frightfully dangerous Al Jazeera News channel reporter currently being held in indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay, there are unknown number of world citizenry who have been kidnapped and ‘renditioned’ by CIA or their approved proxy agents under the umbrella of ‘War on Terror’. There are no signs of their release or an end to their REAL torture (as apposed to what the british sailors suffered). Any one in the world can be classified an ‘enemy combatant’ and suffer indefinite detention and torture, but we are all expected to feel safe because the sanctimonious saviors of this world are busy fighting EVIL and we should not disturb them. Our only responsibility here is to acquiesce when they come to unlawfully abduct us. Apparently, the meek shall not be inheriting the earth. We were misinformed.

We are all expected to support the right of others to voice their opinions on politics, race, religion, culture, etc. in order to ensure our own right to free speech. We should also be tolerant of criticism and ridicule of our own faith, as we cannot expect everyone to conform to our own religious norms and tenets. (And yes, I am referring specifically to the case of the religious caricatures in the mainstream media which caused a furor in many countries. Geez! People really need to chill out if South Park lampoons Tom Cruise and Scientology.) This point is key if you truly believe in free speech and freedom of expression. BUT, what you cannot be allowed to do (currently in Germany and Austria and soon to be applied to the rest of the EU and even the US) is to deny, question or revise (the facts about) the Holocaust. This is the one and only free speech issue most of the western media and even some activists groups I imagine, are really truly afraid of touching. Can u imagine what would have happened had Salman Rushdie written a holocaust revisionist book instead of the Satanic Verses. The darling of the British media would be rotting in some European jail without any complaints from the English press. Personally, I do not deny the holocaust and I think what happened was horrific to say the least, and Hitler was completely off his trolley, BUT I don’t want any country that criminalizes the discussion, revision or denial of the holocaust to claim to be a complete supporter of free speech – ever! Because that is just a lorry load of horse excrement!

Religious extremist groups generally lack the ability to recognize their own hypocrisy when it comes to human rights. They desperately complain and start rioting if you don’t allow them to exercise their (self-anointed) privilege to infringe on the rights of others. They couldn’t spot the ‘irony’ if it came and bit them on their gluteus maximus. After much contemplation, I’ve come to the conclusion; it is pointless to argue with them because they lack the requisite amount of brain cells and having seven or eight will just not do. I’m sorry!

And of course, there’s the pretentious bunch of so called ‘professional’ media and broadcast journalists who routinely question the abilities of bloggers to tell the truth, while the same lot (CNN, New York Times, The Associated Press, UPI and many other agencies) ran propagandist disinformation news stories courtesy the Office of Strategic Influence (which should have been appropriately called Department of Shoveling Sh*t). All these news stories were uncorroborated but the media published them anyway. So the next time you (as a blogger) gets questioned by the likes of Wolf Blitzer from CNN, you have the right to attack his journalistic integrity by kneeing him in the groin.

And here’s something even more asinine:
- US = 10,000 nuclear warheads
- Israel = 100 plus nuclear warheads (conservative est.)
- Iran = 0 nuclear warheads (currently)
And guess who is being classified as the biggest threat to the world? I’m sure you know the answer to that one. They further claim that Ahmedinajad is actually what makes Iran more dangerous, which supposedly justifies their covert attempts (by CIA and Mossad) to bring regime change in Iran. Excuse me?! Has anyone considered the other two geniuses (Bush and Olmert) in question in this current political stand-off ? Surely, by all rational, logical and factual reasoning, a regime change is far more desperately needed in the US and Israel.

The truth is, like you, I am severely frustrated by this growing hypocrisy. It started as like a small pimple but now this uncontrollable blemish has blossomed into a festering boil on the backside of humanity. And who is to blame? The current crop of fascist leaders. And by the way, they don’t give a damn about any of this. If you questioned them now, Bush would show you the finger and Cheney would signal you as a “Loser”. Don’t believe me?

Here’s proof:

Press: So, how were you treated by your captors?

British Sailor (BS): We had a really tough time there for a bit. We were blindfolded.

Press: How absolutely horrifying!

BS: Yeah, and that wasn’t all, they then proceeded to isolate all of us.

Press: Gruesome!

BS: It was, yes! They put us in these cold, cemented cells.

Press: Oh dear God! Have they no decency?!

BS: Apparently not. But that wasn’t the worst of it. They then forced us to make false confessions by threatening us with 7 years in prison. Obviously, we all cracked under pressure.

Press: Oh the inhumanity of it all!

BS: Tell me about it. They fed us, got us cleaned up and dressed and then paraded us on television to have us make our false confession, one by one. But we made it clear by means of surreptitious winks, smiles and scratching of the ear lobes that we were being coerced into making these claims.

Press: Wow! I’m suitably impressed.

BS: You should be.

Press: So, what exactly did they make you confess?

BS: Well, as soon as we got back to England, they made us confess that we were actually in Iraqi territorial waters even though we all had confessed otherwise. They also wanted us to say we faced unrelenting psychological pressure from the Iranians to justify the reason for our cracking under pressure so quickly and in confessing to our uninvited sojourn into Iranian waters.